In this episode, we're continuing the grief education in honor of National Grief Awareness Week on December 2nd-8th. Last week, I shared facts, staggering statistics, and insights about grief, many of which surprised me!
So many people will be going into this Christmas missing a loved one or wishing a relationship would be different, better, or more. The holidays often bring up a lot of emotions. And sitting with all of the big feelings without self-awareness, tools, and support only exacerbates those emotions.
Today, I share ten tips for grieving hearts to nurture hope during the holidays—many of which I've shared in the past. However, sometimes you need to hear it differently or another time when you're ready to really hear it. Maybe today will be when the information will land differently in your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
In this episode, we're continuing the grief education in honor of National Grief Awareness Week on December 2nd-8th. Last week, I shared facts, staggering statistics, and insights about grief, many of which surprised me!
So many people will be going into this Christmas missing a loved one or wishing a relationship would be different, better, or more. The holidays often bring up a lot of emotions. And sitting with all of the big feelings without self-awareness, tools, and support only exacerbates those emotions.
Today, I share ten tips for grieving hearts to nurture hope during the holidays—many of which I've shared in the past. However, sometimes you need to hear it differently or another time when you're ready to really hear it. Maybe today will be when the information will land differently in your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. I hope this podcast today finds you well. And if not, if you're struggling, with the holidays coming up, then this episode is for you. Last week, I shared that it was National Grief Awareness Week between December second through the eighth. And in honor of National Grief Awareness Week, I am concluding with a second episode in the two-part series. This time I'm talking about grief during the holidays and last week was facts, stats, and grief in the workplace, which probably affects the majority of us. A lot of interesting statistics and facts were shared in that episode, I will link to it in the show notes if you're interested in listening.
Victoria Volk: But today, let's talk about the holidays. Because they're fast approaching. And I know there are some people out there who this is the first time after a loss of a loved one going to into the Christmas season without that person, and it can be very challenging. While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, it's the holiday season. That is one of the biggest stimulus to provoked memories and feelings about important people in our lives who have died or who are no longer present at holiday celebrations and rituals. And it could be from divorce or other arrangements. Again, I've said it like a thousand times, grief is not just about death, my friends.
Victoria Volk: So the holidays are supposed to be a happy time. But let's be honest, you know, many of us are grieving this time of year. And not just about the death, divorce, or job loss, everyone has issues. So let's discuss hopes, dreams, and expectations, changes and choices, my friends.
Victoria Volk: I have heard it said that expectations are planned disappointments, or an expectation is just a disappointment that hasn't happened yet. And expectations are at an all time high during the holidays. We have a lot of expectations about who coming together for the holidays? Will it be what will it be like? What will we do? There are just a lot of uncertainties. Will everybody be happy? Will we get along? What if the food doesn't turn out? Or what if it just doesn't taste right? Or what if your sewer, like, backs up and you lose water? Like, that didn't happen to us during the holidays, but it happened during my son's graduation. Had a household of people. You can't plan for that stuff. Right? But you have these high hopes and high expectations that like for me, just became a disappointment. Right? But many hopes, dreams, and expectations are wrapped up in the holidays.
Victoria Volk: It's important to remember that losing or letting go of a hope, dream, or expectation can be a loss too. Times have changed. Little kids aren't playing with the matchbox cars on the floor anymore. Everybody's sitting on the couch looking at their phones. I've actually I mean, I've caught I've caught myself too, but I've taken stock like when all the families together, like how many people in the room are sitting on their phones. Right? This is the time that we live in it's a fact of life, but a lot of people listening to this are experiencing a change in traditions and plans.
Victoria Volk: And one definition of grief is the natural, it is the natural and normal response to change or loss. The change in familiar patterns, habits, or traditions. As I said, if this is your first Christmas, without a loved one, I'm sure you've already given this a lot of thought. There's going to be a lot of change. Change is a significant cause of grief. We just don't call it that. We don't articulate it or think about it that way, which is why it's so hard to deal with some of these changes and expectations that aren't being met.
Victoria Volk: First of all, we don't even think about it as a grieving situation. We don't articulate it to ourselves do we even share it with somebody else? How can they even understand or disappointment? Something that disappoints me might not even be a big deal to somebody else, but this is a thing, like, then what you have people doing sometimes is they're minimizing what you're experiencing or minimizing what you're trying to share. And it can hurt you greatly into someone else it's not a big deal, but sometimes we just need to learn to be a listening ear and be supportive. And even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to us, we just try and be the support. Right? That's one thing you can do this holiday season.
Victoria Volk: The good news is, though, is that and this is why I talk about a lot too, is we have choices. Grievers just don't think they have any options. They're just the victim.
They're stuck with whatever is it going to happen and it won't be good enough, but that's not true. What is true is that we can't change what has happened. We may not have a lot of influence or power to change what will be but we can choose how we respond to those changes and how we respond to those losses.
Victoria Volk: I want you to take some time to figure out and identify all of the changes that you may be experiencing during the holidays, but do it during these pre-holiday days. As we time is quickly passing by, just take stock, kind of play play it out to the end. Right? Like, think about the holidays coming up and the different rituals and traditions and things that you used to do with your loved one. Think about all of those different changes, everything that will be different this time around, and then choose to not sit and be the victim. Reframe how you will see these next several days and weeks as you go through the holidays.
Victoria Volk: And here's some advice if you want to take it. First of all, try to have fewer expectations. Put your hands up and ride the roller coaster without expecting what the ride will be actually be like.
Victoria Volk: And secondly, reframe how you see things. You get to choose how you make what the holidays happen. You can't change what's happened in the past and can't change what will happen in the future, but you can change. You can change. You can also choose how you respond to what's happening today. Do you want to be saddened and gloomy during the holidays? Who would? I don't. The principles and actions of the grief recovery method, which is what I facilitate through my program Do Grief Differently are dedicated to helping people discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished by a death, divorce, or other loss. In the interest of helping both grieving people and the friends and family near them, I thought I'd share holiday tips that give some basic, practical, and emotionally helpful guidance.
Victoria Volk: So there's ten tips. The first five relate primarily to the death of someone important to you. And that person might have been a loved one or may have been what we call a less than loved one, but you will probably still be affected by their absence. And the second set of five tips relates either to the death of a spouse or to divorce. And we're not comparing those experiences just suggesting that the tips can be helpful in either situation.
Victoria Volk: So here are five tips for the holidays, if you're grieving the death of someone important to you. Don't isolate yourself. It's normal and natural to feel lost and alone, but don't isolate. This is one of the mess of grief. Right? Grieve alone. Even if you have to force yourself to be with people and participate in normal activities, just do it. If someone asks you to go out and do something, go and tell people, you know what, keep asking. Even if I say no this time, you just keep asking. One of these times, I will say yes.
Victoria Volk: Tip two: Don't misuse food or alcohol to cover up or push down your feelings. As children, when we were sad about something, we were often told, don't feel bad, have a cookie, you'll feel better, and cookies don't make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and the real cause of this sadness is not addressed. When we get older, alcohol and drugs are used for the same wrong reasons to mask feelings of sadness.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Talk about your feelings, but don't expect a quick fix. It's essential to have someone you trust to talk to about your memories and the feelings they in evoke. Ask your friend to just listen to you and try not to fix you. You're sad. You're not broken. You just need to be heard.
Victoria Volk: Tip number four: While it's important to talk about your feelings don't dwell on them. Telling the same sad story over and over is not helpful. In fact, it can establish and cement a relationship to your pain. It's better just to make a simple statement of how you feel in the moment. For example, say, I just had a sad feeling of missing him or her. You've likely heard me say, referring to support groups, support groups can be amazing for connection and meeting new people and it's getting you out of the house. Right? And I'm saying, don't grieve alone, so you go to support group. Great. But here's the thing about support groups is if it's the type of support group where it's a repetition of the same stories over and over and over and nothing is moving you forward. You don't feel like it's getting you forward or moving in your life. It's not, helping you grow and not that you have to grow through grief. I think I should do an episode on that, but if you let your grief be a part of you and you integrate it in a way that you give it the time and space and you feel it and you're sitting with it and working through it by doing the work, which we do and Do Grief Differently. That's different. That's taking action. And this is what you don't have in a lot of support groups. There is no action. So it's just a lot of the same story and that doesn't help you move forward in your life. If that's what you're desiring to do, I think there's a time and space and a phase for support groups and things, but definitely use your own discernment, but that's just kind of why that I wanted to say about support groups in this episode.
Victoria Volk: Tip number five: This time doesn't heal. Actions do. Speaking of actions. Right? The myth that time heals a broken heart is just that. It's a myth. Time can't heal a broken heart anymore than air can jump into a flat tire. Time just goes by. It is the action you take within time that can help you feel better.
Victoria Volk: Speaking of feeling better, before we get into the next five tips, I just want to share a little bit about the new sponsor to my podcast, Magic Mind. I've been using their two-ounce shot for not quite the last thirty days. I think I have maybe four bottles left. And what I've noticed the onset after a few days is this calm that almost is new to me. It's when I'm feeling like I have a lot on my to do list. If you just read my recent newsletter, it was all about checking lists, making lists and checking them off and all this and that about lists, but because we make all kinds of lists. But I love a good list, but at the same time, all the lists can become overwhelming and when getting close to the holiday season and whatever is going on in your life, it is a list that can help keep you organized, but it can also feel overwhelming, right? When we keep adding stuff to the list. Well, magic mind might be the thing that can help you as it's helped me check things off the list.
Victoria Volk: And it like I said, it's just kind of helped me notice this calm that has come over me when I'm using it. When I take that two-ounce shot in the morning with my coffee, it's not a replacement for coffee, although it can be. You can drink it alongside your coffee. I take my get my first cup in, and then I take the shot, and I go about my day, and it helps you get into a flow state. It helps for me, it's helped call me. I don't know. It's like I find my focus. A lot easier to get certain tasks done. And I've just really it actually tastes good too, but I've actually just really liked using it. And they're actually gonna be launching in January in all of the Sprouts markets.
Victoria Volk: But for you listening to this, you can actually get fifty-six percent off your first subscription plus another twenty percent off your one-time purchase the first purchase, excuse me, with my discount code, "grieving voices". So if you go to magicmind.com slash grieving voices and use the coupon code, "grieving voices" altogether, all caps, you will receive an additional twenty percent off your first purchase. And I just say try it and see what you think. Give it a good a week for sure of using it every day. They say after three days, you will notice a difference, but and I did. But after five days, I think it is, you kind of get more of the benefits because there's neurotropics in it, adaptogens, matcha green tea, plus twelve other magical ingredients. And I like how the founder James Baeshara has says in his video about it. He says, athletes have gatorade, and creatives now have catorade. And I love that because as a creator, we can have a million things, like a million tabs open in our brain a day. Not to mention all of the family stuff and things that go on in our lives such as grief.
Right?
Victoria Volk: And so if there is anything that can help as we're going through the grievance process or just as we're navigating life, you know, this is just another kind of tool in our toolbox that we can use to help our brains function more optimally. And if that's something you're looking for, then I again checkout magicmind.com/grievingvoices for twenty percent off your subscription.
Victoria Volk: Alright. Back to the list in the next five tips. And so here's five tips if you are grieving the death of a spouse or have experienced divorce. Tip number one: Just because you feel lonely doesn't mean you're ready to start dating. Don't start dating while your heart is still broken or you will guarantee that the next relationship will fail. Being ready to date is a function of the actions you take within time to repair your heart. This is valid whether you're dealing with a death or a divorce.
Victoria Volk: Tip number two: Don't get too busy. Avoid hyperactivity. This is one of the myths of grief too, keeping busy. Be careful not to get too busy. Being super active just distracts you. It doesn't help you deal with your broken heart. And you know what? There can be a lot of healthy. You're deemed healthy distractions too. Just, let's say, you're an ultra-marathoner. That takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of determination and a lot of time commitment. And if you're doing that has a distraction, from your feelings and for what's happening in your life or the stressors of life. It's a healthy coping mechanism for stress, of course, but if you're not doing things in other aspects of your life to address your emotional well-being, then it could just possibly be a coping mechanism, a sterb, a short-term energy-relieving behavior. And it can become something that you become addicted to for that reason.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Maintain your normal routines. Adapting to the changes in your life following the death or a divorce is an enormous adjustment. You are learning how to move from being with someone to being alone, and it's never a good idea to add a host of other changes while you're trying to adapt to so much disruption in your life.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Go through the pain not under it, not over it, and not around it. It's very tempting to try to avoid the pain associated with a broken heart, but it's also a very bad idea. Whenever you skirt the pain, you're also pushing it down which is only temporary. It will always come back to haunt you.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Find effective guidance or you will sabotage your future. While the grief of a broken heart is the normal reaction to the death of your spouse or to the end of a romantic relationship, it's very helpful to find effective tools to help you discover and complete everything that was left emotionally unfinished otherwise, you will drag your emotional baggage into the next relationship and ruin it before it even starts.
Victoria Volk: There's your five tips for each different type of loss, and a lot of these really just reiterate the six myths of grief. Don't feel bad, grieve alone, replace the loss, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. For most people, the first holiday season after the death or a divorce is the most painful, but that's not true for everyone. And for many, the second, third, and subsequent years are very painful. And since time doesn't heal emotional wounds, as I've just said, people often report feeling says years go by. No matter when your loss occurred, it's most important that you become aware that recovery is possible and to learn which actions will help you create some momentum and movement in your life. And when I say momentum and movement, it's just progress. It's getting back out into the world, integrating the experiences that you've had through the grief, through the years, however long it's been and reframing, it's a lot of reframing.
Victoria Volk: And often it takes support to help you shift your perspective to to modify your beliefs about grief, to shift how you feel about certain aspects of your relationship that you could you can't go back and change. But again, you can change how you respond today. Because really the relationship continues whether the person has died or whether you're divorced, there's some sort of emotional continuation. Right? And so you can hold on to anger and bitterness and resentment and or the pain of the loss itself and the sadness and maybe even the hurt, even the most loving relationships, people hurt us you can hold on to all of that or you can recover from the pain. And when I say recover because a lot of people in the grief space have a lot of opinions about the word recover and the word heal. But when I say recover, it is recovering from the pain so that when you have these holidays coming up, you're not taking back to that like this heart-wrenching pain that takes you down for weeks or days or even months on end into this, depression that you can't find your way out of. It's possible. Recovery is possible. And this is why I like the word recovery because it gives people hope. Because when people don't have hope, that's a slippery slope.
Victoria Volk: And I'm in the business of hope, so I like the word recovery. I'm gonna continue to use the word recovery. And because I know it's possible. I know it's possible. It happened for me. It's happened to countless clients of mine and the thousands of people. I don't even know how many people have gone through grief recovery. But it's changed people's lives, transformed people's lives. One of the she's marketing. She's a trainer and things with the grief recovery institute. She was on my podcast early on. Her name is Sandy Derby. I'm gonna link to her up in the show notes because, I mean, she was addicted. She had a meth addiction. She was in an abusive relationship. And she was on a fast track to a really self-destructive life. She had a lot of trauma from her father and other family members, satanic ritualistic abuse. I mean, she went through the gamut of trauma and pain and suffering in her life and grief recovery, my friend, changed her life. And she is in the whole business just like me. And this is this is why I'm so passionate about this work.
Victoria Volk: So whether this is your first year of being without a loved one or it's your tenth. I don't care. It's never too soon. It's never too late. Reach out for help. Make twenty twenty-four the year of you. Alright. I'm gonna put those resources in the show notes. And if you have any questions about Do Grief Differently or anything else that I've said, and if you wanna join the conversation, please do so on social media. I'm @theunleashedheart on Instagram, that's typically my favorite social media place to hang out. I'm not on there a lot, but I will read messages if I get them, so I encourage you to reach out or send me an email, victoria@theunleashedheart.com. And if you found this episode helpful, I hope you share it with someone you know or love. Who could benefit from these tips and come back to it anytime. I mean, the podcast is here. This is a free resource. Do this for you. It's a labor of love and have many blessings for this upcoming season. My heart goes all out to all of you grievers. I know you. I wanna say I am you, but I grieve differently now. It's not like it used to be for sure. I feel like we're all lifelong grievers. I mean, there's always something. There's always something that life is gonna throw at us. Always. But we can build an emotional resilience and empower ourselves with new tools and new knowledge and a new belief about what we are capable of. A new belief about what it means to grieve in a healthy way. That's where we can change, and that's where we have choice. So remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, my friend. Much love.