Agoraphobia is a mental and behavioral disorder, specifically an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety symptoms in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape. These situations can include open spaces, public transit, shopping centers, or simply being outside their home.
Amy's mom died suddenly and unexpectedly when she was 11 of a massive heart attack. They were the best of friends a mother and daughter could be. As an only child of a single mom, it was just the two of them - until they weren't.
Amy found herself living with her Godmother and her Godmother's family. However, one day a series of events led to Amy being forced to turn over her key to safety and security and trade it for loneliness, homelessness, and insecurity. But that's not the whole story.
After years of bouncing around from shelter to shelter, Amy would later turn her life around. Without the support of family and only that of a few friends, Amy got her G.E.D., overcame agoraphobia, learned life skills for the first time, and discovered a path of service as a social worker.
Our conversation went to many places, including raising/mentoring/teaching kids, mental health challenges, and the fact that family isn't always blood - sometimes it's the people you choose.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
______
NEED HELP?
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Agoraphobia is a mental and behavioral disorder, specifically an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety symptoms in situations where the person perceives their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape. These situations can include open spaces, public transit, shopping centers, or simply being outside their home.
Amy's mom died suddenly and unexpectedly when she was 11 of a massive heart attack. They were the best of friends a mother and daughter could be. As an only child of a single mom, it was just the two of them - until they weren't.
Amy found herself living with her Godmother and her Godmother's family. However, one day a series of events led to Amy being forced to turn over her key to safety and security and trade it for loneliness, homelessness, and insecurity. But that's not the whole story.
After years of bouncing around from shelter to shelter, Amy would later turn her life around. Without the support of family and only that of a few friends, Amy got her G.E.D., overcame agoraphobia, learned life skills for the first time, and discovered a path of service as a social worker.
Our conversation went to many places, including raising/mentoring/teaching kids, mental health challenges, and the fact that family isn't always blood - sometimes it's the people you choose.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
______
NEED HELP?
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
💛 Would you like to Learn Your Energy Type? Free Quiz ➡️ HERE! ⬅️
SUPPORT THE SHOW:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Victoria Volk 0:00
Hi this is Victoria of the unleashedheart.com and you're listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever and advanced Grief Recovery methods specialist. I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate gravers and non gravers like spread hope and inspire compassion towards those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours and this platform, Grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather. Let's get started. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Again, if this is your second, third, fourth, fifth time, welcome. And if this is your first time, thank you for being here. today. My guest is Amy Metcalf. She is one of two members in her podcast once upon a nightmare, who deals with her loss and grief through humor and spooky things. She is new to the podcasting world and working her way through to find peace of mind as daily life can be hard. keeping busy helps, and especially when it's something that you're interested in, like your podcast. And so let's thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. So let's start with your podcast once upon a nightmare, and what was the prompting for you to create that?
Amy Medcalf 1:44
So I've always like kind of wanted to do a podcast. It's been on my mind for the past few years. But it's like, what do I want to do? Like, I wasn't sure if I wanted to do things that were part of my job. But like, even then it's like, you got to kind of back away from that. Because like if you get too much into your job when you're a social worker and you're working with like, vulnerable people, it's it, you tend to kinda burn out really fast. And I didn't want to kind of like get into something like that. And I really like spooky things like I'm an October Baby. So I hold October and spooky like near and dear to my heart and my friend she is very into spooky stuff as well. I like true crime, I like all that kind of stuff. And it kind of makes me happy in it. It allows me to kind of express myself in a different way than what a lot of people who know me see on a daily kind of so.
Victoria Volk 2:48
I connect with what you're saying. I actually just shared a news my actually my most recent newsletter was about being in a way addicted to sadness.
Amy Medcalf 2:59
Yeah, it's very much true. Like I find if I am alone and in my head a little too much i i Can I can make myself I can hurt my own feelings and make myself cry. Like I always felt like you've always had things happen to you especially like, with loss and whether that's with a death or breaking of a relationship, like a friendship or whatever. You tend to kind of get in your head and all this stuff. And it's like, why do people keep leaving me? Why am I always alone? And why do like, Why does everything always happen to me? And it kind of it's kind of like a security blanket kind of and it's like, and a lot of people use that to not get close to people. Right? So I that's definitely a thing where you can be addicted to sadness. So
Victoria Volk 3:56
Well, because I've just been really investigating this for myself, because I love true crime always. Like I was reading Patricia Cornwell. You know, when I was a teenager and love true crime then and my some of my favorite podcasts are true crime podcasts. And so what do you think? In your social worker? Correct? Yeah, yeah. So what do you think it is? Well, I have so many questions now. Because I think for me a little bit of it is that I feel a connection to the sadness that victims feel. Oh, yeah. Survivors, or, you know, connecting to that on the base of loss. Right. Yeah. And, and it can be it's very traumatic for families. Oh, yeah. Through stuff like that. And but do you think like this connection to other people, and their sadness is kind of what led you and your own personal experience, of course, led you to be a social worker,
Amy Medcalf 4:58
Kind of at the time I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, like, I was on my own at 16. So I didn't finish high school, I ended up getting my GED. And I was, I had like a really great sense of empathy. And I liked helping people and all other stuff. And especially when it came to like, understanding them on that deeper level, like when they're going through loss, or they're going through being on their own for the first time. And they're very young, and because they got kicked out, or they had a really bad family dynamic and all that stuff. And I think that was part of the reason like part of it. And I didn't kind of want to leave the town that I was in, and the college in the town. It was very, very small. It was held in our arena. And there was only like a handful of classes. And they just came in with like a social work program. And somebody mentioned it to me. So I applied and I got in and yeah,
Victoria Volk 6:10
It's amazing. So how many years have you been doing this work?
Amy Medcalf 6:14
So I graduated in 2013. And I started before I graduated, I started working at kind of like a group home setting for adults with autism and anything else, because with autism comes a plethora of other lots of things. Like so yeah, it's just a lot of the times I worked with, like them. And then I worked in group homes for Teen Girls, which a lot of them I still talk to now that they're older and everything and they're and they still come to me for advice. Sometimes they're like, Amy, like, I need help. And so it's just like, I really liked working with youth the most I think because that's where I felt my loss the most. So right now I live in Montreal, I'm not bilingual so I'm nannying. But I also did daycare and all that stuff. So it's just I didn't mind the group home, like, the group home was very, like, kept you on the go all the time. So do you miss that work? Sometimes. But they tend to like you tend to get really overworked and like, burned out so fast. And because there's so much turnover because people don't realize like how hard it is like, it's heartbreaking. Like, I remember when the one of the group homes I was working for was getting shut down. And like, the kids were crying, they were upset. They didn't want to like leave like, probably wasn't the greatest one. But like, it was better than most so I can like, yeah, yeah, so the kids
Victoria Volk 8:04
Yeah. You know, because that's their can ask their family, right? For,
Amy Medcalf 8:09
Like, as much as they fight with all the other girls, they love each other in systole kind of way. And they I know a lot of them are still like, talking with each other and like being there for each other in a certain way. And even though they still talk badly about each other sometimes and it's like, oh my god, girls, like, you guys haven't changed. But, um, no, they do become a family even with like, the staff, like the ones that stay. And it's hard when staff leaving, come and go and because they always come and go, and if they're there for a long time. And it's like, they feel like they don't really have a home but like, they tried to make the best of it.
Victoria Volk 8:57
Well, right, because they come from instability. And so when there's no instability on where they're stuck. Yeah, because they're children, and they don't have really much of a choice unless they try and go out on the streets. Yeah, so was that you? Were you a child in a group home then at 16 or youth group.
Amy Medcalf 9:19
Um, when I was at on my own, I ended up in the shelter, like a youth shelter, on and off and but I like I never really like lived fully on the streets. I couldn't live without a shower. So I always opted for the for the shelter if I could, and I had some places on my own, but like, it's hard when you're 16 and you're on your own and you don't have those life skills. Like I'm still paying for some of my lack of life skills. Like I had a credit card at 18 and I didn't like use it properly and it affected my credit. Although I'm like what Working on that even at 33. Like, if I could go back younger me would do things a lot differently, I would hope. But um, it is yeah, I was more in group home, not group homes, shelters, then group homes. So CHS didn't come in when I was on my own.
Victoria Volk 10:24
And you speak to the importance of support and having that support system, just learning life skills, because, like, look at the the impact that you're living now. And I had a little bit of that too, like you, you just if you're not taught, you just don't know.
Amy Medcalf 10:40
That's exactly it. Like, when my mom passed away, I was 11 years old. And I went to go live with my godparents, and my godmother did a lot of my stuff. So she's like, Yeah, I would clean my room and all that other stuff. But like, a lot of the time, she would clean my room, she would do my laundry, like, I knew how to do laundry. Because my mom made me do laundry. Sometimes, when I was younger, to teach me like my mom tried. And I had such really bad depression, that cleaning wasn't a priority in my life. And like, when you are super depressed, those things tend to go unnoticed. And like you don't like usually bite people in like, you don't like hanging out with anybody, because you're like, My place is a mess. Or if you do invite somebody, like I remember I would invite like, somebody would like, oh, let's hang out. I'm like, okay, and I would be up all night cleaning my little apartment, because it was such, it was so hard to get up and do things. And I also dealt with anxiety as well, which I still kind of deal with. And I like, I probably had anxiety prior to. And with the death of my mom, like I have anxiety when it comes to death and dying because it was so young. And then there was other people that died in my life at the time. So it definitely is very, very hard to deal with. And I've learned that sometimes you don't have to be blood related to be family. I've chosen a lot of friends who have become in my love become my family. And they are probably the best things in my life. And so I always tried to keep a contact with my godmother until she died four years ago. So a lot of people that I consider family are definitely not blood related for sure. But yeah.
Victoria Volk 12:47
May I ask what happened with the relationship with the godmother that you were with her from 11. And then what happened when you left at 16.
Amy Medcalf 12:56
So I didn't like leave. My God, like her daughter was living with us. And she's 17 years older than me.
Amy Medcalf 13:09
And her and my grandmother went to the cottage for the weekend. And I didn't want to go. And I snuck on the computer when I was grounded from the computer. So when they got back, they found out I was on the computer, I got grounded again. And my I call her my godsister. She came into my room, she was a big girl too. And like I'm a big girl. And I was looking for my belt. I was supposed to be cleaning my room. And she's like, What are you doing? And I'm like looking for my belt. And she's like, it probably wouldn't fit you anyway, I'm like, basically saying that I'm too big for it or whatever. And I was like, so I found it, I put it on. I'm like, look at that. It's on the last hole like, like, not the first one like the last one. And it was like, and she just kept teasing me. And I was like, You know what, I don't want to deal with you. It was more I didn't want to deal with my sister. So I went out and I was like I tend to. I'm like a very, I don't like conflict. So I tried to like leave it as much as possible. And I went out to go see my friend. And as I was leaving my godmother said that if I left then don't come back. But she was saying it, hoping that I just wouldn't leave. And I went out and my friend took me around and I went and found somebody I could stay with for the night until things cooled down. And I saw my godmother driving by when I was in the other town because we lived in to like in a very small town and the two towns were very connected. When I went back to get my clothes she wasn't there. But my God sister and my godfather were and my boss was there had this dog it was a Dr. Russell and he was so vicious. Anyway, she had him in his arm. And she's like, give me your key. And I'm like, no, like, I'm not giving you my key. I'm just getting closed for the night. And she follows me up to my room. And she's telling me to give her my key. And I'm like, no, like, no, no, no, she grabs me by the back of my neck, pins me to my bed. And it's trying to get the key and I'm screaming, my godfather comes in, tells her to get off me, but then tells me to give her my key. And for years, I thought that it was all of their doing. But like, I realized that my godmother did not know any of this. And to the day that she died, she died believing that I left on my own because like, I wouldn't talk about it much. Because like, every time we would talk about it, she get upset, like I would try to like say like, No, this is what happened. She get upset. And like, I didn't really want to upset her. She was like an old, like, she was born in 40 fours, and she was older. And it was like, she was having a lot of health problems. And I didn't want to like, so I never got that closure with her. And it was like, really, really heartbreaking. But I'm, I'm working on getting that closure for myself kind of and getting it out there because I don't want it like, like I told my god brother, the story. And I told my told their cousin. So she's kind of like my cousin too. And I'm like, just so you know, I'm not this bad person. Like, because I thought they were all kicking me out. There was a little bit of animosity when I was trying to like get some more of my stuff so that I had clothes and everything to wear. And it was a big thing. So it was it was really hard.
Victoria Volk 16:47
I imagine. Yeah. And you speak to what I talk a lot about and what we share in Grief Recovery. Is this incomplete emotionally being this feeling of being emotionally incomplete with people? Yeah. And that's almost tormenting to us.
Amy Medcalf 17:05
Yeah, it's almost worse. Like, it's not like she's still alive. And I can like be like, Hey, let's talk about it. Now that I'm older, and I kind of understand how to talk about it with somebody, especially because I went to school for it. But like, and because of like working in my field, like you tend you tend to kind of like build these things. As you get older, whether you're in the field or not, you tend to build, like a little more clarity of like, how you should deal with things like, I don't know, if you do this or any like I well, I know a lot of people do this, but like, I sit there and I'll like have conversations in my head and I'm like, Okay, this is how this conversation is gonna go and never goes the way I want it to. But I'm like, all go back and I'll like, think of a great comeback. And then I'm like, Oh, I wish I knew that before I like ended that conversation. But yeah, like, I wish I could sit her down and talk to her like, and be like, Hey, I didn't leave. I didn't want to leave. I was young. I was scared. Like, I've never, like felt more alone at that time. You know, and it's, it's a scary thing when you're 16
Victoria Volk 18:15
Since you're into spooky things, do you believe in the afterlife?
Amy Medcalf 18:20
Oh, totally. So I believe now like, if she could she would tell me that. She now knows because like, I'm sure in the afterlife, she would know. Especially like if there if you do connect with people in your past, so like she would have had that connection with my mom or whoever else. Right? And it's like, the communication and finding out what really goes on and I had a friend who while I have she's still my friend her and her mom do taro and like, I think she can't like she she also has like a connection with people in the other side and it's like and she said that she used to feel sick every time she looked at my room because of what happened and and everything and she's like, she didn't realize that that's what went down and blah blah and I believe it on a on a note but like my friend also kind of knew so like it's kind of like is that her picking up that or is that her picking up? What she also knows at the same time right? Although she forgot the most of it. It's it's definitely a huge belief of mine. I do believe in psychics, the right kind of psychics, and because there are some people who will say that they're psychic and just not because it's good. Scam money, I guess. But yeah, so I definitely believe in the afterlife and ghost.
Victoria Volk 20:01
You might be interested in listening to my episode with Siri Bernsen. She's a certified psychic medium. Oh, really? Yeah. But she's also a grief recovery specialist like me, so. Oh, cool. Yeah. Look at that good lesson because it helps. She also helps people to understand how to connect to their loved ones to in that episode. Yeah. So I would recommend that. So with your mom, I know you mentioned this emotionally incomplete feeling with your godmother. But how about your mom? Like, was that a good relationship?
Amy Medcalf 20:34
Oh, yeah, my mom was a single parent, I was an only child, every child says about their mom, but my mom was the greatest. She, from what I can remember, she was, she was tough, but she was good. Like, she was a very good person, she was very helpful to a lot of people. Like, I remember, she would help her friends by taking their kids who were a little a little rough on the edges. And she would help them kind of like be like, hey, like, you can't be like this, or she would take in, like, I know, my cousin came to stay with us, because he didn't have anywhere else to go at a point. And all this other stuff. So it's like, my mom was very helpful to a lot of people. And I feel like she also kind of like, put others before herself. But we had a really good relationship. I loved her. She was like, my best friend, as much of a kid as, like, as much as I can say, as a kid, like, I wish I kind of have known been able to know her as an adult, and be an actual friend with her and know more about her life than what a child knows about their mom at the time. You know? So it's like, no, like, I feel like I got robbed of that. And it's, it's always been my biggest thing is like, I wish I had known her more as an adult. So,
Victoria Volk 21:57
Do have other family of hers that you've been able to. I mean, I know you mentioned you don't have much family, but did she have siblings and things that you could learn about her from?
Amy Medcalf 22:10
My family life is so she has friends that I can kind of like hit up and be like, hey, like, but a lot of them are just like, she just loved you so much. Like, that's usually all like, I get like, she just adored you. She just like, you were her life. You are her universe, basically. And it's like, that's basically. And I try not to delve into it because they also go through the loss. And I kind of haven't like wanted to kind of know too to too much yet. And I don't know the right questions to ask like what I want to know, like, my mom was adopted. And my Nana and Papa also adopted another kid. And so that was my Uncle Chris. And after my Nana died, my Uncle Chris went missing. He went MIA, but he always went MIA even when my mom and my Nana were alive. And my mom was the one who kind of like, went knocking on his door because he was an alcoholic. And he had his problems. And so she would go knocking on his door and she'd be like, No, you need to get back in there and you need to get your help and all this other stuff. And my Nana died not long after my mom. So and then my papa died a few years back, but I stopped talking to him when I was like 18 I think maybe before that way before that. And my uncle Chris's son, my cousin Peter, him and I stopped talking. So and it's not that I wanted to stop talking to them. It's just things happen. So like when I was on my own, my cousin Peter was like, Hey, let's go to Papa's for Thanksgiving. And that's usually like my birthday weekend. And I had just gotten this job at a restaurant and I'm like, Oh, hey, like, I would love to but I have to work. And he got mad at me saying like, I put work for my family. And then he stopped me never talked to me ever since. And we live in the same town and I would see him all the time. And yeah, that one was, but he has his own issues. And I I do kind of I am kind of thankful that I don't share blood with some of these because like, even my papa like I didn't find out he had a brother until my Nana's funeral. And I was 12 at the time because like she died around my trunk. She died the day before the day after my 12th birthday. So a lot of his life was very secretive. And then he started and then he was also kind of abusive to me in his own way like he came over for Christmas to my god pair Since I was 15 years old, and he looks at me, he's like, you could find a nice boy if you lost some weight. And it's like, who says that to a 15 year old child. And he started dating this other woman who apparently he ended up marrying. I didn't know that until I saw his obituary because I was trying to like, find my mom's obituary, and I stumbled upon it. So he got together with this woman, and my godmother made me go visit him and her. And I didn't want to because like one, I didn't really know her. They also weren't living in the home that I grew up in anymore. So it was just awkward for me. And when I went there, I went to help with the dishes, because I was a polite kid. And I did do a lot of stuff. And so I went to help with the dishes. And she's like, Oh, no, no, no, no, you just sit there, you relax, and all this other stuff. And she would do that. And like, they lived in like, a tobacco. So like Toronto, and Ontario. So not the safest place. So I wouldn't even leave. I didn't go anywhere. And like, I'd be home alone most of the time. And yeah, so like, then when they sent me home, she gives my godparents a letter, which I read. And they're basically saying that I'm lazy, I don't do anything. I need to do more chores. And all this stuff. I'm like, Who are you? Like, even my godmother was like, This is ridiculous. I did my chores. She knows that. And so like, after that I just kind of like, was iffy about them. And then I was even more iffy, because I was homeless. And they wouldn't help me.
Amy Medcalf 26:56
They let me stay in a shelter at 16, even though they had a two bedroom, just because, and I kind of get it but I also kind of don't. But because her granddaughter who was like, severely autistic would come and stay and she can get and like, some people on the spectrum, they tend to be a little bit like violent, depending on their communication level. And she was nonverbal. So when she couldn't communicate, she tended to lash out, right? And it's like, I get it. But if that's only like every now and then, why can't I come and have a home? So it was very hard on me that he did that and didn't stand up for me and be like, hey, like, let me help you.
Victoria Volk 27:39
So you kind of felt like you were on an island, right? Yeah, that's my people who are illustration of for the my podcast illustrates is you feel like you're on an island often.
Amy Medcalf 27:52
Yeah, Uber. Yeah, it's exactly it. And like, sometimes, you sit there and you're like, be these people who are supposed to love me and care for me, are doing nothing. And they're letting me drown. Like, this island is like starting to flood at this point. It's becoming Atlantis, and you're, I'm like going down with it. And it was only me that has brought myself out of it. I've had to rely on myself a lot. And I've had to rely heavily on a lot of my friends who were very supportive and very helpful. And a lot of them who are still helpful in my life. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have that determination to stay afloat, which sometimes I sunk eventually, I did get back up. That is how life is like, there are gonna be times where you feel like you're sinking, but you can't let yourself drown. Like, you know, you have to figure out your ways, like, everybody has their own ways of dealing with their anxiety, their depression, their grief, and it's all about finding your niche. And sometimes you need to find more than one because like, you can't consistently rely on the one but like for me like feeling anxious, I can call a friend or try to like I have like a few friends like on standby. So if one doesn't answer, I can call this person and it's like, that's helped me a lot. And also, music is another thing for me. When I'm feeling anxious This is more like when I'm out because like with my anxiety I developed a core phobia so for the longest time I couldn't go places without feeling like I'm going to die. And because my mom died of a massive heart attack i and the anxiety symptoms that you tend to get so like the heart palpitations, the meaning of the heart, like not being able to breathe, I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna die. So that was a lot of my life where sometimes I couldn't even get off the couch. And it's not easy. It's so not easy, but I got to a point now where, yeah, sometimes I have really hard days or it's hard for me to go from point A to point B. But I can now drive to my work, which is a 40 minute drive and on the highway, which I'd never, like driving on, because I had very bad anxiety back in the day, I go from point A to point B, and like, I don't break down. And it's because I've learned to develop, like, what I need to get there and do that, like, sometimes I'll be in my head, I'm like, Okay, there's so many people around, if something happens, like, they'll help you, you know, like, or at least one of the 20 people that are around here will help you know, and it's like being in my head and doing that. Whereas like, whenever I would go and talk to somebody their advice, when you have an anxiety attack, a lot of the times I don't know if it's changed, because like, every time I now go in, I'm like the counting. Five things, I can taste, touch, hear and everything that doesn't work. Like, it doesn't need to talk it out. I know what I can do when I'm feeling anxious at the time. But I think when I get to the level of holding things in which I do a lot, still I need somebody non biased to talk to you. That's all I needed somebody non biased that I can talk to, and let it all out. Because my boyfriend, I'm sure he's sick of hearing things. Like he's like, okay, I get it, but he's biased. And he will always be on my side in every single case. And so all my friends and like, or they'll be like, or they just don't understand. And even when you talk to a professional, they might not understand in your case, but they understand how to talk to you when it comes to those moments. You know, and that I that I found was a really great thing. And I tell my friends all the time, I'm like you need to talk to like, I can talk to you as much as possible. And I can give you the greatest advice ever. And I get it. I'm a social worker, but I'm also biased and like you're my friend, you have to talk to somebody who's not who doesn't know you.
Victoria Volk 32:04
That's great advice. Yeah. And you bring up a good point. And I I just want to say this too, because you didn't lead with when you contacted me to be on the podcast, you didn't leave with the fact that you are a social worker, though. And I find that interesting. And not because you're not doing that work right now. But I just find that interesting. And I say that because you're coming on here to share your story, right? But not from a place of expertise. You're an expert in your story. Of course we all are, are an expert in our story. No one knows it like we do. But I, I bring that up. Because even though you've had this training in this education, you are still a Griever you are still processing your own stuff. And as a social worker, you too, need somebody you can't heal alone on an island. No, no, I just wanted to bring that up. So thank you for sharing all of that.
Amy Medcalf 33:05
Yeah, no worries. And that's exactly it like, and I tell people this all the time. And I feel like people use my not well, they don't use it, but like, they're like, Oh, my God, like Amy like would be a better person to give advice. And I'm like, Okay, I don't mind giving you advice, but I'm not gonna sit down with you once a week. And like, because that's not part of like what I do anyways, as a person and a professional or whatever. And it's like, and even then, like, what I've been through, and even what I've learned in my training, and everything is not black and white. It's not what's written down in the books, you have to read outside of those lines all the time, because everybody deals with grief or any situation that's traumatic in so many different ways. And because everybody's brain, if I think of the brain, like a fingerprint, they are so unique. They are so powerful. And like, I could be sitting there. And all of a sudden, I'm remembering something I did when I was like six years old or something. And I get embarrassed. And I'm like, oh my god, like why are we thinking about my past like this? Like, I just wanted to watch my Netflix show, you know? But yeah, like, everybody's brain is so different. And everybody deals with grief differently. Like, even if it was the exact same situation like, say you and I share the situation. Your mom died the same year. You were the same age as me in the same way and all this other stuff like it could be the exact situation. But because you and I are totally two different people with two different brains. You're going to grieve a lot differently than what I'm going to grieve.
Victoria Volk 34:54
Well, only that our relationships with our mothers are very different. Exactly, exactly. It's that brain, the brain connection with that person, that relationship with that person.
Amy Medcalf 35:07
Yeah, that's exactly it. And like, when I was young, after my mom died, I denied going to see a psychologist, which I've really regret. As I got older, I did go through bereavement counseling through school, like, every single year through school. But as I got older, I remember talking to a social worker or somebody. And they asked me like what I used to do, when I was younger, and I was breathing. Now, there, I had some positive, but I also had some negative, because of my anxiety, I would also stay up in lane as I could, because I was afraid I was gonna die in my sleep, and I wouldn't like and I stayed up until I passed out. So it didn't get a lot of sleep when I was younger. But when I was really upset, like I had a bad day, or I had a fight with my godparents, I would write in a journal to her. And I, like, ask her questions, I'd be like, How's heaven, like, I hope you're okay, and all this other stuff and tell her like, I wish he was still here and all this stuff. And then as I got older, when I was allowed to just sit outside at night, like at midnight, and cry, I would look up at stars, and I would talk to her, and all this other stuff. So it's the when I spoke to the social worker, and I told them that they're like, basically, you found your own ways of coping in a healthy way. And that's how I coped with it when I was younger. And it did help me a lot and because like, I, but when I was younger, I was very creative, I like to write I like to draw, I still like to, I just never had the time to. So those were my outlets. And that's how I coped with it. And as I got older, said, I loved looking at the stars. And I remember when I was younger, as well, after she died, somebody showed me the stars, and they're like, the first star you see, is always your mom shining down on you. And I always will look up and the first star I see is the one that I always talk to. And it doesn't always have to be the brightest star. But it's very, it's very helpful in a in a way. But, again, what was helpful for me might not be helpful for the next person. It's always just finding your niche. Well, and it changes over time, too, right? Yeah, I don't do that as much anymore.
Victoria Volk 37:43
Well, and especially considering our frontal lobes aren't fully developed until we're 25 to right 625, something like that, you know, so we don't have the cognitive ability in a lot of ways to emotionally process some things until we are actually getting that's why the midlife crisis is what it is, I think, because it takes so long for our brain to fully develop. Yeah, you know, that, you know, everything that but here's the fascinating thing too about it is that everything that you learn, and how to cope with challenges in life, are developed by the age of three or 470 5%, of how you will cope with challenges as an adult, are formed and developed in your, in your beliefs, like what you know, by the age of three, or 470 5%. And then the rest is like 1516.
Amy Medcalf 38:44
And it's so crazy, because like, we don't realize a lot of people don't realize that and it, it's how you nurture and deal with situations when you're talking to your children who are at that age and older and all that stuff. And your how you treat the situations at that time, is how they're going to figure out how to treat it in the future. And it could not be in the right way. And not that parenting is easy, and it's not perfect. And sometimes we're going to do things the wrong way. I'm not a parent, but like I'm talking about other people who are parents and I have friends who struggle and they're like, I think I'm failing and I'm like you're not failing. There's no book written about being a perfect parent, and there's no perfect parent, you're, you're fine. Or your kids eating or they do have a shelter over their head. Do they have a bed to sleep in at night? You're doing great. Like and that's exactly it. And I tell my friends all the time, like my one friend, she needs a break and I'm like, take that break, tell your partner. Next time you're off. I'm going and she's like, I don't even know myself anymore. I'm like, you don't have to know yourself. And I'm like, go get a coffee and go sit by the water somewhere or go into the woods and scream like you don't have to Go to the spa or go to the movies. Like it's not about that it's about channeling who you are. And like getting deeper into your self and having that quiet and alone time sometimes because you have children or whatever at you all the time. It's totally not what we're talking about when it comes to grief. But like, it is a kind of grief, though. Because mothers who are there for their kids all the time, feel like they lost themselves. And that's another part of grief and when, and especially with postpartum, and that being a big thing, you got to understand that you have to take that break, you have to go, and it's okay to cry. And I tell this to everybody, no matter what it is, if it hurts you enough. It's okay to cry. Crying releases that chemical in your brain that helps you feel good. I find if I have a nice big cry, I'm good. I'm tired, and I'm ready to go to bed. I take that time to cry sometimes. And if I really don't want to I try not to look at animal videos, you got to understand that to help yourself. It's not always about having to go out and do something where you're spending a whole ton of money. Like, just go to the coffee shop, get a $2 coffee and just go sit in your car, cry, scream, or just watch and meditate like it's you don't have to do anything super extreme. To kind of like get that chemical release in your brain that says okay, you're okay.
Victoria Volk 41:35
To everything you just said that was like my life. That was me and motherhood it was my youngest went to kindergarten I had this midlife crisis like that was my identity. I did have a business at the time to which I also closed at around the same time. I knew I was going to close it. And so I lost that baby. And I lost my other my other baby. And it was a really difficult time. And that's really what opened me up to wanting to feel better to wanting to discover myself who I was before them who I was before grief even because that really opened up a lot of old wounds to right. Oh, yeah, I mean, children will do that. And I mean, that's what happens. They reflect back to us what we need to really work on in ourselves. And I say this to on this podcast a lot. If you're a parent and you're listening, the best thing you can ever do for your kids is to work on yourself. Yeah, bar none. That's exactly the greatest gift you can give them.
Amy Medcalf 42:39
Like, I find a lot of mothers tend to put their all into the household and making sure, like 24/7. And it's even like with my job when I was working in group homes, I'd be at that group home and I just go home and I'd sleep in and come back. And I never took time to care for myself. And when you don't take that time you tend to burnout. And burnout can look like depression, it can look like anxiety, it can look like a multitude of other things. Like you just don't want to do anything. You don't want to shower, you don't want to eat you don't like or you forget to eat. And you got to understand that you can't do it all by yourself. You have if you have a partner, or if you have somebody like a friend to come be like, Hey, can you come watch my kids for an hour, I need to go and I need some time to myself. Or tell your partner like, hey, I want to take the day, you get your time. I want my time. You know, like, You got to be demanding like you're not failing as a parent. Because you need a break from your kids.
Victoria Volk 43:50
That's the greatest example you can give your kids exactly caring for yourself. Exactly. And that's it. Grab a pen and paper and go somewhere. And that's how you discover yourself. Ask yourself some deeper, better questions.
Amy Medcalf 44:03
Exactly. And it also teaches them that you have boundaries yourself. Because I value yourself. Exactly. Because like as a mom, I'm sure like, you go to the bathroom and Hello, there's a child there watching you, you know, like are asking you Hey, can I have a snack? Well, Dad's out in the living room, or near the kitchen is like, go ask him I'm peeing. Right? So like, I also read this thing that was really, really great. It was this couple and each of them had one day in the week, where at a certain time they got to go do whatever they needed to, and they would take care of the kids. So say and there was this one example that they put where the mom it was her time to have her day and she went into her room to into well their room and Have her time. And he gave her that. And one of the children kept saying, I want to ask mommy something I want to and he's like, No, you can wait. If you need something you can ask me. And like, she got upset and everything and but the whole time he had he kept his foot down. He's like, if you need something you can ask me. Until then you can wait until the morning. So as it usually is, it's usually minuscule. Like, I need a snack. But, um, and the next morning, he's like, she, because I think he explained it to me. He's like, sometimes Mommy needs a break. And right now she's taking her break, and you need to deal with me. So the next morning, she even asked like, mom, her mom, like, how was your time? Like, I think she kind of got it. But like, you have to be very consistent with children when it comes to stuff like that. Because like, you need to teach them like, hey, like, it's something that you don't like. So like, if I were to do this to you, how would you feel? And like they are at the level where they can understand that. And it's like, I remember. And I take that back to like, when I was a kid, I was out with my mom, we were at like a restaurant. And I bet my mom for some reason, I wasn't being malicious. I was just like, Oh, I wonder what happens if I do this. And my mom put me back, and I didn't like it. And trust me, I never bit after that. Like, like, parents nowadays, like I get it. Like, they'd be like, Oh my god, like, why would you? Why would she bite you? I'm like, well, it taught me that I didn't like it. And that I probably shouldn't do it ever again. And now I kind of like do it jokingly, like with my boyfriend be like, Oh, I'm gonna bite you like, but like, I don't like bite hard. And like I did when I was a kid. And it's like, you kind of take things like that. And you have to kind of give them natural consequences to like, what they do. And I think a lot of people protect their kids from that.
Victoria Volk 47:12
Well, and I just shut up just to that point, it's let them sit in their uncomfortable feelings for a little bit.
Amy Medcalf 47:19
That's exactly it. Right? And
Victoria Volk 47:22
they don't learn how to manage their emotions, if they're constantly if their emotions are
Amy Medcalf 47:27
in that band aid. Yeah, that's exactly it, they, you need to give them that band aid. You can't keep giving them that band aid. Sometimes they need to realize like, hey, I need to give myself that band aid. Because I'm old enough to do so.
Victoria Volk 47:42
And when they see that they went through this uncomfortable feeling. I couldn't talk to my mom, it was uncomfortable. I didn't like it. And the next day, well, it was okay. Yes, fine. It wasn't that big of a deal. Next are connecting those dots, and they make that connection, connection themselves.
Amy Medcalf 47:59
And then they, when they get older, they're gonna be like, Man, my parents aren't alone now. Mom, I need my space, like, you know, so like, but it's all always about give and take, and you need to you need to put those boundaries and teach your kids these boundaries, right? So I don't even know how we got on this topic.
Victoria Volk 48:23
Not sure either. One. And that's a lot of grief. I mean, it is it's parenting is going to have a lot of grief, it's going to carry a lot of grief with it. Because you will feel like you're failing a lot. And you do what you know best. But if you can work through your own stuff, so that whenever your children are doing something and projecting their feelings, and it's reminding you of something from your childhood, and then all of a sudden, it's really emotionally fueled, and you know, all of that it's, you can't I know me personally, I dealt with a lot of I had a lot of pent up anger from my child and my, my dad passed away when I was eight, just a lot of anger. Just a lot of anger from my childhood. And I didn't I stuffed it down and for like, you talked about, like the things that you use to cope. And for me, it was writing. I had a journal and then tell my mom read it. And parenting is ever changing. You constantly every day is an opportunity to learn something, but you have to be an observer. You have to be kind of step back from the situation and just observe like, why is this like, stirring me up? Like why is this making me upset? Yeah, and usually it's, it's not the child that's intentionally doing it. It's that feeling you get that you feel provoked, right? You just feel provoked. So yeah, Especially how to work through but anyway, yeah,
Amy Medcalf 50:02
Oh, yeah, no, no. And children. They, they, they know how to push buttons
Victoria Volk 50:09
While in your nanny, um, yeah, you're not a parent or a nanny, I used to watch that show Supernanny, when I was feeling kind of crazy as a parent, it's easier for her.
Amy Medcalf 50:18
Yeah. And it, it's crazy, like you see, like these families where these kids are like running the show, and it's like, you got to parent first and friend later. Because if you're teaching your kids like, yes, you want to be their friend, yes, you want to have that relationship. And it's, it's hard to kind of like, build from how you were brought up. But there's different ways of parenting from the way you were brought up. Because a lot of people are very, I didn't like how my mom raised me, like, I didn't like being grounded, I didn't like this or whatever. And like, you get it. And, but kids need structure kids need that, hey, like, if I do something that's not appropriate, I'm gonna get in trouble for it. In real world, if somebody does something bad, they're either gonna get fined, they're gonna go to jail, they're gonna get fired, all that other stuff. And if we're saying, like, Hey, it's okay, like you did this, like I understand your feelings, I do understand your feelings, like, you can still talk to them as the adult, but you need to put those pieces down where it's like, hey, you know what, like, this is a natural consequence. And you're gonna have to sit in your room, I get it, these are your big feelings. This is how your, how you deal with it. But natural consequences is you need to sit in your room, and you don't get electronics. Because in real world, you can't be like, going out there and saying, like, and screaming and yelling, or whatever the cases, and I can't think of a situation right now.
Victoria Volk 51:52
I think like what you're saying, it comes down to accountability,
Amy Medcalf 51:55
it does, it definitely comes down to accountability and keeping that structure in keeping in line with what you say. And kids are going to be all on you and like begging and it's like, you have to keep your foot down, you have to because like, they're not going to be able to get this in real life where they're going to have a boss, they're gonna have a professor like, oh, like, I think I deserve a b like, sometimes, yes, you probably are in a yes, sometimes you probably did, you can get it double checked in college, but like, sometimes you didn't put enough work in. And it's like you have to, they have to kind of like develop those skills where they can learn how to manage their time and their and manage how they react to certain things. And it's like, but they can't, like we talked about, like how they develop that cognitive part where they deal with certain things at four years old. And it's like, they're learning how to deal with that. And if we're dealing that for them, they're not going to learn how to deal with that later on in life.
Victoria Volk 53:01
Right? I think it circles back to your own personal experience, right? Like, exactly, basically learning how you had to reparent yourself.
Amy Medcalf 53:10
Exactly. And like, when I was younger, I, I know, my mom put those things in place where I learned that, like, I was scared to be like a little rebel, you know, like, I didn't want to put my foot out of line because I didn't want to get into a lot of trouble and lose out on a lot of things that I wanted to do in life. Because sometimes that's what what's happened, what happens when you get older. That's another type of loss that kids go through because like, wanting to go to a certain college because they didn't put all their effort into it or whatever, or they didn't put all their ducks in a row because they weren't taught how to, they tend to lose out on the things that they want in life. And it's it's hard and like, yeah, there are other options. But some times, and I a lot of things do happen for reasons and it at that point, it's going to teach them like, hey, if I really want to do this, then I have to start doing it now. Like it's never too late to change. And they got to realize that it's never too late to change. But start the work. You know, like you got to learn how to start the work, you have to learn how to do things for yourself. And some people are gonna be better than you and some people are and you're gonna be better than some other people and it's not about everybody winning. It's about you getting to where you need.
Victoria Volk 54:33
So what would you like to scream to the world in the past or recently in wish people knew about your grief?
Amy Medcalf 54:40
Who, when it came to my grief, that was my anxiety. I had really bad anxiety and I I will need people to be with me. So a lot of my agoraphobia part where I needed I would need somebody to be with me a lot of the time. And some of my friends get it now because they have anxiety already, a couple of them have apologized to me. But it's like, with my grief, Don't abandon me. Like, I wish I could tell everybody Don't abandon me. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff. I'm, I'm still learning how to process it. And with grief, you always learn every single day, that you have to process it in a different way. Because your brain is constantly changing. It's constantly doing different things. And you're always going to be doing something different. And the way you develop your grief, and the way you deal with your grief can change consistently and mine has. And sometimes it's put me in a place where people are like, hey, like, You're so different, or whatever. And it's like, listen, like, I can't help it. I'm trying. Don't leave me right now, because I need you the most.
Victoria Volk 55:54
Well, and to that point, you could say, but that other person when they say that to you, like, Wow, you're really different. Like, yeah, you know, if we all stayed the same. Yeah, you know, if I would have been, if I'd be I was when I'm 21. Boy, man, if I only knew at 21 what I know now. Yeah, exactly. That's the blessing of age is, is wisdom. Yeah. You know, so it's a good thing. We don't stay the same. No good thing. I think we need to embrace that. Yeah, embrace the change, embrace change. That's the only death taxes and change are the only sure things in life. So what is one tip that you would give another hurting heart today, maybe specifically, I want to say specifically a teenager that just might so happen to stumble upon this episode today. And maybe the parent of that child or the caretaker of that child.
Amy Medcalf 56:55
Number one, it's okay to cry, you're not weak, because you're crying. It's, it shows strength, it shows that you care, and it shows. And again, crying is so helpful to your psyche, it helps build that chemical balance that you need to kind of deal with the situation and release the build up inside of you. And to a parent who sees this.
Amy Medcalf 57:27
Just sit there,
Amy Medcalf 57:28
Hold them. Tell them it's okay. Tell them it's okay to cry. Never say stop being a baby. Like I was a big crybaby I get it like, it's a lot like if your kid is a crier, depending on the situation.
Amy Medcalf 57:46
Also, just
Amy Medcalf 57:47
Never ever call them a baby. Don't be a baby. Be like, I understand you're having some emotions. Offer them the do you need me to sit with you? Would you like me to hold you and rub your back? Do you need some space? Like, don't overload it? But like, be simple? Like, do you want me to be here? Or do you want some alone time? And then they'll let you know. Because like, when I was having my emotions, I just wanted somebody to hold me and rub my back. I still do. Like I because like, I remember being sick and like really sick, I had pneumonia and I was crying and my mom sat there and she rubbed my back. And that was my that was my love language, My Love Languages touch. And like just rubbing my back and it was soothing. And it and that's what it reminds me of and that's why I feel I need that and some people just don't some people need the space because they that's not their love language. Or learn what your child's love languages and show them that you're there and that you care and give them what they need. Always be there.
Victoria Volk 59:02
So very good point. I wonder if there's a love language book for kids.
Amy Medcalf 59:07
I you know what, that I didn't know learn about love language until I was like maybe like five years ago. And it's like, so I don't know. I wonder if there is because people need to learn that. It's okay to love this but you gotta realize that some people don't like that. Like my boyfriend's not Pachi His Love Languages food.
Victoria Volk 59:29
So I don't know if that's a love languages.
Amy Medcalf 59:32
It can be it's like one of them. Or something I can't remember there's seven of them. There's Oh service. Yeah, service. Yeah. Service gifts. Touch.
Victoria Volk 59:42
I can't remember the rest of mine. Mine is words of affirmation and words of affirmation is touch.
Amy Medcalf 59:49
See I like a mix of everything but touches my biggest one. Next to that is a word of affirmation. Because I I feel like I always need like somebody be like, Hey, you're doing Good. That's another thing.
Victoria Volk 1:00:02
Well and this is there's two more points I just want I thought of is that. So I was called a cry baby too. And so if you have a sensitive child understand that, that they're not crying just because yeah, some children are just more sensitive.
Amy Medcalf 1:00:17
I also learned recently that females, like myself, that could be a sign of ADHD is crying all the time, especially if they daydream a lot. And they're kind of like, Oh, I'd rather sit in the corner and read a book type thing. And that was me. And I'm currently in the process process of trying to kind of like, figure out if that's what I have. And because like, that can also be a very big difference of like, how you treat your anxiety in that, right.
Victoria Volk 1:00:53
So well, and I just learned about, let's come across my severe recently is complex PTSD, which is common in children who've experienced trauma. And so yeah, I don't know if you've heard anything about this or read anything on that. I kind of its kind i or thing.
Amy Medcalf 1:01:18
I know, pts. Like, I had PTSD. And I still do, depending on the situation, because like, I, right now my PTSD is more about like the dog that I had, and he got run over in front of me and like, that's my PTSD now, but I had PTSD from like when my mom had died, but like, sometimes PTSD can kind of go away eventually, once you start kind of like, being like, okay, I'm okay with this situation that and like, you've kind of like got a little bit closure. Or it just kind of like lessons and kind of like goes into the backburner, especially as you age. I've never heard of the complex PTSD. I gotta look it up, though. I'm going,
Victoria Volk 1:02:02
I'm gonna ask your opinion on something too, in a question, because you have anxiety said, and you're wondering if you have ADHD, and just listening to what you're saying. And one thing to that? I mean, whether it's addiction, ADHD, anxiety disorders, things like that, do you think or believe, because a part of me really believes that the root of it is grief?
Amy Medcalf 1:02:28
Oh yeah, I think, um, a lot of kids, a lot of kids can deal with a lot of grief in the beginning, especially depending on how their childhood is because a lot of kids go through divorce parents, a lot of kids go through like some sort of abuse, like even if they have like, the perfect parents, there's somebody out there, like, they go to school and they get bullied. That's a type of grief, that's a type of trauma, which gives people anxiety about dealing with people in social anxiety, and all that other stuff. So a lot of grief and trauma can definitely be a trigger for a lot of things like, you could also somewhat have something and then it'd be triggered by certain other things, whether it be drugs, whether it be grief, whether it be trauma, in general, or abuse, anything, like a lot of things can just be triggered, when you've already kind of have it in your, in your brain. And it's, it's almost like an on and off switch, that it just turns on, and it never goes away.
Victoria Volk 1:03:37
But what I would love to like really deep dive into and research is, you know, following people over decades of their life into older age. And really, if you address the grief, get to the root of it, and you address the grief itself. Yeah, whether it would help does everything else kind of level off? Because I have heard many times, even people I've talked to on this podcast, who were on ADHD medication as children. Yeah, who had traumatic experiences, who sexual identity issues, things like that, who are now off of medication, like ADHD just went away, like, the medication like they just don't need it anymore. It did. Because he dealt with the grief with the therapist. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? So I think I that's just a something I want people to consider and take away from, is that
Amy Medcalf 1:04:36
There's other ways of dealing with certain things like you you have your medication, you have your your people that help you you have there's so many different treatment options to a lot of things like with the person who has ADHD, they might have needed the medication more when they were a kid, because it's harder to kind of get around that and like it's easier to kind of sit a kid down when they're calm and be like, Hey, here's what we can do to kind of help when you're angry or when you're feeling like you need to jump around and all that other stuff like my, my boyfriend has ADHD, he was diagnosed as a child and he was medicated as a child. He's not really on the medication, because he would lose so much weight when he was on the medication. But when he, he talks to somebody he's he has, and he has people who are there for him, when he needs them the most, he's able to deal with it a lot better, he still has the hyper part where he has the pace a lot of the time, like, so if he's on the phone, he's like pacing back and forth. He keeps his attention the most when he games. So it's all about finding your focus and finding out where you need to place that focus and, and dealing with it in healthy ways. Again, it's all about healthy ways.
Victoria Volk 1:05:55
I would just ask them in that instance, in your boyfriend's example, you don't have to share on the show. But was there something in his childhood that triggered the ADHD response? Like Did he have any trauma? That's what I had a lot of trauma. That's what I'm getting at like is, is are these diagnosis is that people are getting for ADHD, anxiety disorders, things like that. Is it as a result of grief and trauma and if we dealt with the grief and trauma,
Amy Medcalf 1:06:27
And don't forget, you also had generational trauma that each generation deals with, because that's how it is like. So a lot of people who say, their generational trauma was like they don't, they live on very low income and the drugs or alcohol, and that was their life. And sometimes it's hard to break out of that some people do like nowadays, it's a little easier, because there's more resources out there, especially for women, that they are able to break out of this generational trauma of abuse and all this other stuff, and flourish for themselves. And it's all about finding again, it's always about finding your niche and finding what works for you.
Victoria Volk 1:07:15
And it comes down to access. Yeah. In open to help. Yeah. And having an awareness that you need help. Exactly, exactly. It's yeah, it's not. I'm by no means saying, well, we just dealt with all
Amy Medcalf 1:07:29
Agree. It is not easy. No, it's
Victoria Volk 1:07:32
Not. But it starts with us as individuals first, right? Yeah, that's really where we're it has to start.
Amy Medcalf 1:07:39
Yeah, cuz like with how things are nowadays, too. It's all about having the time to do these things as well, because you, you have to work, especially with how high the living cost is nowadays, compared to like 20 years ago, it's the cost of living is so high for a lot of people like even dual, like people on dual incomes, it makes it hard. So
Victoria Volk 1:08:03
I do have one thing to say on that, though, is because we do have some responsibility in that because we do do WE ARE WE gluttonous in some areas of our lives where we think we need certain things totally us and make us happy. And therefore we have these expenses that we probably could live without.
Amy Medcalf 1:08:23
Oh, definitely like, but I we only have like Netflix and like Disney plus, we don't have like cable or anything. So we don't pay like $150 for internet and cable, I just pay for internet and then to like a couple of streaming services. So there's that and there's always that media and there's always those commercials like Oh, come get a new TV or come get this new console for gaming and all this other stuff and and that that is what triggers kids nowadays. And you have YouTube and you have tick tock and they're like, Oh, look at this new toy. Because like YouTube is very big for this where you have people opening up new toys and just playing them and kids are just like, Oh my God, I need all of that. And it's it's something that we've even dealt with when we were younger when we had commercials of like, what was it like Furby or something? And
Victoria Volk 1:09:24
I'm a little bit older than you.
Amy Medcalf 1:09:27
Well, for me it was like Furby it was like, I can't even remember what
Victoria Volk 1:09:31
I'm rainbow bright days. So
Amy Medcalf 1:09:36
What's her name? Strawberry Shortcake.
Victoria Volk 1:09:39
shortcake cabbage. signworks I had to Yes, yeah.
Amy Medcalf 1:09:43
Foldables Yeah, like, there's always these things because people just want like, these companies just want to make money and they just like advertise all these things. And we think that we need them because they tell us we need them.
Victoria Volk 1:09:55
People want to feel better. Yeah. And like in Grief Recovery, we be called These things STURMS short term energy relieving behaviors, we think if we get these things that will feel better.
Amy Medcalf 1:10:05
And it's a lot easier to get these things with Amazon and all this other stuff, you just click a button, then it comes to your door, you don't even have to get up and get it anymore.
Victoria Volk 1:10:14
And you don't have to necessarily pay for it right away either. Right when it comes to like what you said about credit? And if you don't understand that, and yeah, and then you get more grief because of that, because you have shame then and yeah, it's a cycle.
Amy Medcalf 1:10:28
It's, it definitely is it definitely is. And it's hard to break out of that cycle. So don't like, don't ever feel bad because like, I still do it sometimes. And I spend money. And I'm like, Oh, why did I do this? And like, we all do it. It's it's a part of life and it but it's all about making your choices and learning from them.
Victoria Volk 1:10:49
And maybe living with a little bit more intention. Yeah, yeah,
Amy Medcalf 1:10:54
Being more aware of like your surroundings, I feel like a lot of us just walk through life in a fog. Because if we're like zombies, we go from point A to point B, because we're told we just need to do that. And it's like, gotta be more aware of what we're doing in our daily day to day life
Victoria Volk 1:11:11
And especially when you're in the fog of grief. Exactly. So what is your grief taught
Amy Medcalf 1:11:16
you? My grief has taught me to love myself. Sometimes, because sometimes you're not going to get that love from other people that you need. And you need to learn to love yourself.
Victoria Volk 1:11:29
I'm writing that down. That is audible. Perfect. That's the best answer. I think. I mean, I love all my guests. But that's by far the best answer, because that really resonates with me, too. Yeah, I love that. And it's very hard to love yourself. So is it is especially when you weren't really that really wasn't emulated for yourself, right. And that comes down to as mothers, that's the best gift too, that we can show our daughters and our sons like loving ourselves so that they don't need somebody else to fulfill that for them. They don't look to somebody else to fulfill that. Or they don't look to food, or they don't look to alcohol, or they don't look to drugs to fulfill that in them.
Amy Medcalf 1:12:10
Exactly, exactly.
Victoria Volk 1:12:13
So is there anything else you would like to share?
Amy Medcalf 1:12:15
I think that's it.
Victoria Volk 1:12:17
And where can people find you if they would love to reach out to you?
Amy Medcalf 1:12:20
So you can always find me on Instagram? I do have my own personal one. It's autumn Lily ADA. I really have to. It's my old one. But you can also find me at our podcast link which is or on Instagram, which is once upon a nightmare. I think there's an underscore at the end of that because it was taken. But if you look us up, you'll see, you'll see us.
Victoria Volk 1:12:55
All right. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story today. And we went in a lot of directions. But I think it was everything
Amy Medcalf 1:13:03
Grief is not in grief is not singular.
Victoria Volk 1:13:06
So it's messy. It's very messy. It touches every area of our life. So I think it's every area. It is perfect. Yes. That's another quotable. Like glitter. It is it truly is. Yeah, it's naive to think that just because you had a loss, like that's just all you're dealing with, it is impacting your money. It is impacting your parenting, it is impacting your friendships, your marriage, every aspect of your life. And I think if we pluck it like a weed and address it and really address it, and get complete with what is emotionally incomplete, which is possible. It is possible. We can live fulfilling and joyful lives.
Amy Medcalf 1:13:52
Yeah, that's definitely it.
Victoria Volk 1:13:54
Right. Well thank you again. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you're hurting know that what you're feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.