Christina Keys | A Caregiver in Recovery With a Mission in Advocacy

I sit down with Christina Keyes, a remarkable woman who transformed her life from a career-driven professional to a dedicated caregiver of her mother in 2013, after her mother nearly died of a stroke, only six months after the death of her father. Around this same time frame, Christina was also grieving the loss of a dear cousin who was responsible for Christina getting sober. However, the grief doesn't stop there. Christina was also grieving the end of a 17-year relationship as she knew it when her partner suffered a life-altering stroke, which resulted in him having to go into an adult care facility. 

Christina's story is about resilience, compassion, and turning personal grief into a powerful message of hope and advocacy. She shares the emotional rollercoaster of caregiving, from the sleepless nights filled with worry to the profound moments of connection with her mother. She opens up about the challenges of balancing her own needs with those of her loved ones and the unexpected blessings that emerged along the way. 

Her candid reflections offer invaluable insights into caregiving, grief, and personal growth. Now a national speaker and the founder of Keys for Caregiving, Christina aims to transform the caregiving space by connecting businesses and family caregivers to foster a supportive community. Her advocacy work amplifies the voices of caregivers, championing for change and understanding in a field often overlooked.

Christina's story is an inspiring journey of love, loss, and the power of turning a mess into a message and a test into a testimony, as Christina says. Whether you're a caregiver, experiencing grief, or seeking inspiration, this episode is filled with warmth, wisdom, and the reminder that we can grow through what we go through.

Tune in to discover how Christina's story can inspire your own path of healing and empowerment. You also do not want to miss the incredible and beautiful Christmas miracle Christina experienced! 

RESOURCES:

• Website
• Caregiver Text Line: 1+ (360) 230-7736
• Self-Care at Sea Cruise: Oct. 2025

Transcript

Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Welcome to grieving voices. My guest today is Christina Keys. She went from a career woman to caregiver when her mother had a life changing stroke in twenty thirteen. She cared for her for ten years, Turning a mess into a message, she is now a national speaker and advocate as well as the founder and CEO of keys for caregiving where she's connecting businesses and family caregivers to collectively transform the care space community and amplify voices for change. Thank you so much for being my guest. And I've actually heard more of the care giving having a voice just in local in news, in my state, legislature, things like that. We'll get to that what what your mission really is and what you've been doing to push that mission and all of that. But let's talk first about what brought you to my podcast today and that you talked about a briefly in your bio about your mother and what I've discovered is that there's a lot more under the surface, like how it is. Yeah. So I'll let you take the reins and share your story?

Christina Keys: Well, I was like you mentioned, a career woman, and then two thousand thirteen, I got the call. That my mother had fallen and had a stroke and she wasn't expected to live. And I walked in that hospital and I didn't know if I was gonna walk out with a mother or if I was gonna have to walk out making funeral arrangements. They gave her one percent chance to live. And We wound up having ten years together. Me as her caregiver. I had no idea how to be a caregiver. It was constantly you know, is this gonna be the day? You know? And I lived in this state of fear after you walk in and see somebody you know, on life support and them telling you, like, there's one percent chance to live. And you don't know at any minute if she's gonna live. I mean, I think the first three years, when she did survive the first three years, I had this weird, like, PTSD that, like, I'd get off the phone when somebody would think, oh my god. That's the last time I'm gonna talk with them. And my my boyfriend go to the bathroom and he was in there for more than twenty minutes and be like, oh my god, baby die. You know what I mean? I just I was so afraid people were gonna die at that point. And I really had been blessed in my life that I hadn't had a lot of people die, you know. And, you know, taking care of my mother, there was a lot of she's almost gonna die. And and there was just this pressure of if I didn't do things right, she could die, you know, and not being able to sleep at night and you know, we lived in separate places. I lived, like, seven minutes away from her, but there was cameras at her house. And so I don't know how many times a night. I would wake up and check the cameras and just watch to see if she was breathing and had caregivers go in, you know, during the day, while I was working, and the time said they would check-in, ten o'clock would be the time that what call am I gonna get? Like, mom's okay or mom's dead. We had so many end of life talks. I think as a caregiver, what was hard about that was I'd have to be present for her and allow her to space to talk about that. And there is this church down the street from my mom's house. I would be there for her, and I would let her say whatever she needed to say. I would let her ask whatever questions she needed to ask. I was, you know, not only a daughter that was there for her, I was a friend that was there for her, I was a woman that was there for her, and I was strong for her and then I would leave and I would go to that church and I would be a daughter and break down and it was hard to be that strong. You know, even though I knew that day was coming when you know, when she finally went on hospice, it was it had been a a crazy year.
You know, twenty twenty two, you know, my father who I was not a caregiver for, he passed away April thirtieth in twenty twenty two. He had been in the hospital, but we weren't expecting him to pass away. And then May fifth, my cousin, who I was really close to, died unexpectedly. We called him. We knew we had cancer. We called him to let him know my father had passed, and, you know, we knew that he was getting ready to go on hospice. But he was you know, he had talked about he thought he was gonna be on a long hospice journey. Well, he died five days later. And then May ninth, my boyfriend of seventeen years, who we broke up in two thousand and nine team. He had had a stroke, you know, five months later, I became his caregiver. And I was caring for him and mom at the same time. Well, he had another stroke wound up in the hospital and made it so he needed full time care. And so that year, you know, I'm grieving my father. I'm grieving my cousin. I'm, you know, going to the funeral and my father in California. I'm working and I'm getting everything taken care of for my ex partner, Terry, to go into adult family home. I am taking and shutting down our house that we had lived in for, like, you know, seventeen years because he did a Medicaid spin down, you know, and that was being turned over to the state. And then as this is going on, my mother is getting sicker. And then November, Thanksgiving, my birthday My mother went from being paralyzed on one side to being paralyzed on both sides. And for no reason, we didn't know why she'd been declining. And I said, mom, let's go to a hospital one last time and see if there's anything they can do. And what the hospital the doctor at the hospital said to me, Christina, your mother has actively died, and it's time for her to go on hospice. And so we celebrated our last thanksgiving together in that hospital. And we had our last prayer with the chaplain who had prayed with us a hundred times over so many visits in that hospital. And I brought mom home and did that hospice journey with her.
Sound?

Victoria Volk: And it was COVID.

Christina Keys: No. No. Twenty twenty two, which COVID COVID passed. So we survived COVID. It was crazy. Neither one of us got COVID during that we were so diligent. You know, about you know, we were so diligent about it all. And I got COVID after my husband passed, you know. So it wasn't even during COVID, but yeah. No. It was not during COVID. So yeah. So that was interesting. And the hospice journey was, you know, very interesting. The hospice journey, you know, I work in the care industry. You know, I I speak all over. I've had a million end of life talks. I've You know, I work with end of life doos, you know, I I go to desk cafes, you know, I I death is normal part of caregiving. You know, if you're in caregiving, there's death that comes along with that. Right? And so I thought, like, I was prepared, like, logically, I knew. You know, I brought in the hospice team. We'd had a million end of life talks. I you know, my end of life, Dula was there. You know, I did all the right things. And It doesn't matter if you are the head of hospice and you've watched a million people die. And you lecture all over the United States about hospice and dying and the end of life process. Until you watch your mother, your father, your child, your husband, your wife die, you don't understand how different it's gonna be. You will realize that there were so many things that you didn't know what you were talking about. Because it's a different experience when it's you.
And it was hard. And I remember even things like I had been doing my mom's meds for, you know, ten years, managing her meds for ten years, but when it came time to to give her those comfort meds, Even that was it literally turned my stomach to do that because I knew what those comfort meds were for. You know? I knew she was gonna pass in that last week. You know, the last week, I was supposed to up her comfort meds and I didn't want to. I thought somehow I would get out of giving her the dose that would make her laugh enough. Logically, I knew that wasn't possible. And I kept calling the hospice nurse and friends and family and be like, you know, are you sure I should give her more and everybody kept saying yes, the doctors, the hospice. Everybody said yes. And I gave her that first one, night, the extra first one, and then I waited and she didn't pass. And I was like, okay. Maybe it's okay. And then the second night, I gave her that second one. And I I waited and she didn't pass. And I thought, okay. I'm gonna just go upstairs and take a little nap because, you know, I wasn't showering, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't because if you shower, like, you know, like, at any minute, she could die. You know what I mean? And you don't wanna miss that. And then the caregiver came in because I had hired care you know, extra care because I wanted to be a daughter during that time. You know, I didn't wanna be just a caregiver. And I said, well, let me check on mom and I I went in and I remember I'd asked the doula and hospice team, what do I do when they die? They said, well, some people stay with the body and some people and I was like, oh, no. I'm not doing that. You know? And I went in there and my mother had passed. I came out and I told the caregiver I said, call the hospice team my mother's passed. They said, please give me some time along with her and I stayed in there. And when she, you know, that hospice team came in and and they got her cleaned up and they rolled her out and they asked for a minute alone with her to say a prayer and you know, thank you for the journey we had together. You know? And I did everything right. There was no money. You know, there was no money. There was nothing. My mom had all these wishes we had talked about and everybody said she won't know just cremator. Just cremator.
I will know. I am her daughter. And so I gave her everything she wanted. And I did all the things. And thank god that when my father died, I had gone through grief counseling. I had an amazing grief counselor. I'd done group counseling. I'd done our therapy counts, you know, all of this stuff. And so when my mother passed, I realized there was a huge difference between grief and caregiver recovery, you know, a huge difference. And you know, one of the things that I was very blessed about in my grief journey was because it's so confusing. And people say things to you like, but your mom's in a better place now. And and I and I gotta say, never say that to anybody because you're standing in front of somebody and you're basically saying you don't matter. You know, we know that person is in a better place. I ask god a million times. I don't understand why you're letting my mother suffer.
You know? And I'm glad that she's in a beautiful place, but I'm here on Earth and you're standing in front of me, telling me that I don't matter by saying, your mother's in a better place. She is. I am dying inside. I would do anything to hear her voice one more time. That is not a compassionate thing to say to anybody. You know, how are you is a compassionate thing? Can I give you a hug? Is there anything you need? Is a compassionate thing to say to somebody? I was really blessed because I met a woman a week after my mother shortly after my mother passed whose husband had passed a week after my mom. And we didn't know each other. And I had shared about my mother passing this fellowship meeting I'm part of. And she came up to me afterwards and said, you know, I has been recently passed. I'm going through the same thing that we became best friends. And I gotta tell you if you're walking through a grief journey, you know, that is such a beautiful blessing if you have somebody who understands because we could be together. And in a matter of, like, you know, two hours of being together, we could laugh, we could cry, we could, you know, go on a rant, we could do all and it didn't need to have any rhyme or reason, you know. I remember we were shopping one day. We ran a thrift store trying to, you know, retail therapy the deaths away. You know. And there was a song that came on, and and we both started dancing in the thrift store, and we were we started laughing. And then we both started crying in the thrift store because I think it was the first time we had both laughed since the death, you know. And that's a type of friend that I I feel so blessed to have because we got it. And everybody else, they want you to be okay because it makes them very uncomfortable when you're not. You know, I share very openly about my grief journey on social media. I felt share very openly about my caregiver recovery journey, my caregiver journey on social media. My grief journey is the one that people try to fix me about. People try to I don't need to be fixed. I need to walk through this. This is a process. You know, grief. There is no end date to grief. You know? There is no actual phases to grief. You learn how to walk with grief.
You learn how to incorporate it into your life. And that's okay. You know, because I feel like with grief, I get to experience grief because I love my mother so much, and I love my father so much. And I love Terry so much. And Terry and my cousin and Terry isn't even gone.

Victoria Volk: It's a lot of loss. And I appreciate you sharing as openly as you did about the things that were helpful and unhelpful, things that supported you along the way and all of that. And to your point about people saying they're in a better place, it's the reason from my perspective as a as a grief coach, I would say, that's because as a griever, you want that person to be there with you. They're not in a better place because you want them there here with you. And then also you said you were talking about, what was it? Maybe it'll come come back to me. But I'm curious, what did you learn about end of life that maybe surprised you in this process? I'm I'm a trained end of life dual tune. Watch my father essentially die in front of me when I was a child. What did you learn about yourself and what surprised you about end of life? Because I I can share what surprised me. And I'm curious what you learned in that process?

Christina Keys: It was a lot of moments of being a fifty something year old woman and an eight year old child who didn't want her mommy to die all at the same time. It was having to be strong, but also being extremely scared and heartbroken at the same time and having to function at that. I just I also learned that it's okay to take a step away from people. Because I never knew what emotion was gonna come out. Like I remember when my dad went on hospice and I went to the grocery store, we were gonna get some food and me and my brother and sister were just gonna hunker down and because my father was in California. We were up here in Washington. And and the clerk said, how are you? And I just looked at her, you know? And it's like, you know, I didn't know how to answer, you know, and then I was angry that I had to make something up, you know. And I just found out that limiting my interactions with people were much easier for me to experience a little bit more peace because I I needed people, but I didn't and I also learned that in the end of life process miracles come in weird ways from weird people.
You know, from weird outlets. I had a a beautiful experience Christmas day when death is happening, people are scarce. You know, makes them uncomfortable especially at Christmas. You know, Christmas day There was no decorations. There was no presence. There was no music. There was nothing. Mom was in the end of life coma. She had been in the end of life coma. She didn't talk or set up or opened her eyes in a week. I was sitting on the couch. I don't know how many days it's been since I showered, and I was literally just begging God. I had wanted to change my mother's adult brief. She was deadweight because she was in an end of life coma. She was not a big woman. She was a thin woman. But I couldn't do one person, you know, chain and none of the hospice people were willing to come out unless it was an absolute emergency. And none of the caregivers were working So I'm sitting on the couch and I'm like begging God for my Christmas miracle to be. I just wanted somebody to come help me change my mom's adult grief. That's all I wanted for Christmas was to give my mother some dignity. And I'm crying to God and I get this message on Facebook from this woman that I was acquaintances with her. She had donated some stuff to my nonprofit. We had talked she had donated, like, a month before her mother had just died. My mother had just gone on hospice. And she was donating some stuff to my nonprofit.
We went and we talked gave each other. HUD we didn't even have each other's phone number. We were disconnected on Facebook. Right? So if all people, Christmas Day, she messages me and says, how are you doing? Because I'm, like, not engaging because I don't wanna see everybody's Christmas. I'm, like, I don't wanna talk about Christmas. I'm angry that this is my Christmas that I just wanna change my mind. Like, that is the only thing I want for Christmas, you know? And of all people, she messages me, like, how are you doing? And I'm like, well, you know, I'm fine. You know, I'm you know, and somehow I said, you know, I'm just trying to figure out how to change my mom's, you know, diaper because that's what my mother called it. So anybody out there who's upset, I'm calling it a diaper, my mother called that. Right? And and she says, why don't you come over a help?
And I'm like, oh, god. No. You know? I would never, you know, even my best friend. Right? You know? And she's like, no. No. I I can do it. And she had family that it flowing in, people at her house. She's like, are are do you have anything for Christmas center? I'm thinking, like, you know, no. You know? And she says, please let me come over and bring you some food and help you. And I and and I'm, like, mortified. Right? And but I'm, like, Okay? Because I it was the only way. Nobody else. I'd called hospice a million times. They weren't coming out. So Vivien comes over and she brings me some food and then she goes into the bedroom with me with my mom and she you know, my mother hated when new people were there. Right? She hated new people being there. And so Vivian's at the end of the bed, and even though my mother hadn't talked or opened her eyes in a week, you know, I said, mom, this is Vivian. She's here to help me get you cleaned up, and she's gonna help me you know, I was talking her even though she wasn't talking. So we clean up my mom. We get her all covered up. Say, I love you. And then me and Vivian, we go into the kitchen, which my mom was kinda hard of hearing anyways. Right? We go into the kitchen and we're standing in the kitchen and for some reason we're whispering. And Vivian tells me that she had had a dream the night before that her mother had come during the dream and she her mother was saying, baby girl, everything's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. All of sudden, literally out of nowhere, I hear my mother going, mom, mom, and my mom, when she was sick, she used to call me mom. And so we've got to go running it because mom hasn't talked to her open her eyes in a week. We go running in there. I go to the side of the bed. I grab her hand. Vivian's up in the bed. Now my mom doesn't know who Vivian is. And I grab my mom's hand on, what is it, mom? What is it? And she sits straight up. And she looks right at Vivian. She's never met before, and she says, baby girl. Everything's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. And she laid back down and she closed her eyes and she never talked again. And then me and Vivian stood there for a second and we went into the kitchen and we cried and we understood that. We both needed a Christmas miracle. I needed somebody to help change my mom's fruit. I needed to give my mother the gift to dignity. She needed the gift of hearing from her mother even though we didn't know each other, somehow my mom was almost there and her mom was there and they made that happen. So weird gifts happen. You know, during hospice. And it was the most messed up, but beautiful miracle ever, you know. And I'm so grateful for that Christmas miracle on hospice. My mother died on the twenty eighth, so she died, went two and a half days later, and she never opened her eyes or talked again. But we did a lot of beautiful things on hospice, you know, like, I asked my mom, I said, Mom, I said, after you die, everybody's gonna give me flowers and cards and they're gonna come tell me all these nice things about you. I said, I don't need any of that. But I'd love for you to experience that now. You know, for you to get the flowers and you to get the cards and for you to hear all the nice things about you, would it be okay if I let people know that you're on hospice and we're gonna celebrate your life now? And she said, yes. And so we did that and heart started coming in and falls started coming in. Flowers started coming in and, you know, she would get on the phone with people on there and talk about memories from when she was a kid and there's video calls and I was so grateful we did that. And my mom didn't have to leave wondering, you know, who loved her. You know, and we'd had, you know, my brother and sister was not very involved in the caregiving process. As a matter of fact, it caused a lot of stress for us because they were not very involved. But during my dad's dying and my mother's dying, they were absolutely beautiful. You know? And at one point, at the beginning when she first went on hospice. They came down, they brought all the kids, my sister had four people in her family, my brother had five people in her family, and there was me. We put beds all over the house you know, mattresses all over the house and I the end of life, Dula came in. I sat her down.
She sat the whole family down and answered all kinds of questions. You know, from the little children, you know, the ten year olds, to the fifty year olds, like, what happens, you know, if Nana dies? You know, what what do we say to Nana? How do we say goodbye? Like, all the really uncomfortable questions she answered in a way that a ten year old could understand and a fifty year old who was grieving could understand. And we had big prayer circles with all of us in that room with my mother, and each one of those children, you know, her grandchildren or her children, like, had a moment to say whatever they needed to say, well, she was able to talk and she knew she was dying and they never had to wonder, like, did Nana love me? Did I say enough? You know? They had that all before, you know, and we were so blessed to be able to have that with my father. I was told he was going on hospice. I was given a minute and a half to say something to him over Zoom. While his wife who we did not have a good relationship with was in the room. I got to say, I love you so much. There's gonna be a lot of banana pudding in heaven, dad. I love you. I promise to take care of the kids, and that was all I got to say to my father. You know? That was it. You know? And we'd gone to see my dad the week before, but he didn't wanna talk about him dying. You know, he wanted to just have a visit and we didn't know he was gonna die. He was getting ready to go into have another surgery and maybe he was gonna get better. We had no clue. So I I learned on hospice that, you know, one there are a lot of motions that come up to I'll just be really honest here. I'm I'm thirty one years sober, and I've been in recovery for a long I'm very active in the recovery community. I speak all over about drug addiction and alcoholism. And I used to get so angry hearing about people who would steal possible drugs, you know, from people. Right? And I remember calling my sponsor and saying, I probably owe a lot of people amends because I'm thirty years sober. And I am grateful I have thirty years sober because honestly if I had ten years sober or twenty years sober, I don't know if I'd be able to do this sober. You know? I mean, it is knowing what those meds are designed to do, make them comfortable enough to let their body relax enough to die, and that you I thought that hospice was gonna give them to them. I didn't know that I would be the one, that would give to and then when my mother couldn't swallow them anymore, having to crush them up, and put them in her cheek and oh my god. It was it was traumatic. I was grateful. I was the one who was there with my mom. I wouldn't have no matter how hard it was. I would have done it. I would do it again and again and again. Right? But it was it's traumatic standing by somebody's side helping them die.

Victoria Volk: And you explained yet how beautiful it can be too.

Christina Keys: Oh, absolutely. I you know, I even when I walked in and found my mother's body just laying next to her, you know, I didn't know if I was crying because she was dead or crying because it was finally over for her. Oh, that paid you, but it you know what? Being able to say that her for her, that last time in the body bag, that she was gonna leave the house. And I remember, I worked my butt off to give her the funeral that she wanted, and we had a viewing of just the family.
And I picked out a beautiful dress for her and a beautiful crown and a pink casket that said mother on it and she looked American girl all of them. I married her with an American girl doll at an age of object. And I remember walking into that room, but she ate her. She looked more beautiful than I'd ever seen her. She looks so peaceful like she was going to the most important date of her life.
She was going home. She was gonna be with my father and god and not be other people who had passed it. She looked so beautiful for that occasion.

Victoria Volk: Making me cry. It's absolutely okay. My heart just broke for you when you were describing your Christmas wish. What a gift you received?

Christina Keys: Yeah. It was and me and Vivian, I swear it's like, we both got the best Christmas gift. We both got the best Christmas gift ever, and we you know, hummingbirds are both of our ways to connect with our mom. And so we share whenever we have a hummingbird, you know, experience. She's moved to another state now, and I will always be forever bonded with her for that moment.
When all of my best friends were nowhere to be found, there was there was Vivian, you know. So

Victoria Volk: I've had personal experiences where the people you least expect come out of the woodwork Yeah. And the ones that you thought you could lean on fade in the background, you know.

Christina Keys: Well, like, with my friend Kate who I met, you know, she's out of the blue was a blessing. My other close friends really couldn't I mean, there was a lot of grief you know, between Terry, my dad, my cousin, my mom, you know, the built up grief, you know, over all of these years. You know, I was not a very pleasant person to be around. You know what I mean? And and I didn't have a lot to talk about I mean, everything was reminded me of somebody.
Everything was deaf, you know, and and my best friend Kate, who is walking through the same thing. You know, we were able to have real conversations about the things that come along with griving, you know, those moments of even those moments of, like, I would like to die, you know, you don't wanna die. But and I was so blessed that I I am so blessed. It was such a weird blessing to have my father die first because I experienced those moments of, like, I would like to die eye because the pain was so great. Right? And so I think if I would have experienced that with my mom for the first time combined with the caregiver piece of it, I wouldn't have realized that was just a part of grieving, you know. And me and Kate always talk about, like, some of those days, it's kinda like doing laundry. You know, you have to, like, get the laundry. Laundry gets dirty. You put it in the washer, then you put it in the dryer, then you gotta fold it. And and the thoughts of, like, I would like to die or sometimes the stuff's just in the laundry, you know? Because you might just be having a bad day. It's really just I would like to just not feel this, and I miss them so much. And you know, it's like how long is this load of laundry gonna take? Like, how long am I gonna miss them? You know, but soon it's gonna get better. So they're gonna get dry and you wear the clothes again and you're smiling again. You know? And we talk about that a lot and my other friends who haven't experienced that. And and I get it.
I have compassion for them because how many times before my father died, that I see somebody, you know, whose father or mother or somebody died, and it's like, sorry for your loss. You comment on Facebook. And and then or people would share about, you know, people passing. It'd be, like, three months past that, you'd be, like, wow. Are they still going through that?
You you don't know until you know. You know, and that I I think that's part of the reason why, you know, I I share so much, not because, you know, somebody said, well, you just want attention. But yeah. Here's who I want attention from. I want attention from the people who are also grieving, so they know that they're not alone. So when they don't have anybody else to flip and call, they know to call me. And I'll tell you what, when I have a caregiver that I've met across the United States, you know that one of their first calls after their family, I can't tell you how many of them. I am their first flipping call, and it is an honor to get that call. The first one of the first after their family, I'm one of the first messages before it goes out publicly. This because they know that I understand and I been there and I will be there for them. And that's an honor for me to be able to do that. You know, I don't want anybody to feel alone because if I would have felt completely alone, maybe it wouldn't have just been a thought. Maybe it wouldn't have just been a thought. And and I think they're in the grief classes I've been to, the grief groups I've been to, you know, that thought of I would like to die, comes up a lot for a lot of griefers. And so, yeah, I want the attention of people who are walking through this, who are gonna walk through it because we cannot pretend that we just get better two months later. We gotta act like everything's okay. You know, we gotta learn how to walk hand in hand with grief.

Victoria Volk: I remember the point that I was trying to come up with before that you mentioned, you found connection with someone with Vivian, who didn't even have the same loss as you. And I just want to point out to people that, you know, you can kind of put yourself in a box sometimes of support that's available to you by just thinking like, well, I need to go to the specific group because they had the same loss as me. They're gonna understand my specific loss. No one's gonna understand your specific loss no matter what group you're in because your relationship is unique. So, yeah, just forget about that. Right? It's where is the support from someone grieving?

Christina Keys: Right.

Victoria Volk: Because that's the thing that unifies us all. That's the thing we all experience is the grief itself. And by having someone who is open to feeling their grief,

Christina Keys: I

Victoria Volk: think that's where the support is. It's not someone who is doing everything they possibly can to run away and avoid it, which is normal and natural for a time. Right? It is normal and natural to do that. But to find that someone that you can connect with regardless of their loss, that's what can help you get out of that desire and propensity to ignore it. Right. Because if you have someone who's going first, who's sharing first, that's often, that's all that's needed. It's like, it's you know, there's this commercial. This is a really bad example, but it's a perfect example. And I don't know why it came to my mind, but there's this commercial about teenagers. And they're having school pictures taken. And this girl has braces and she doesn't wanna smile. And this other girl goes up and she has braces, but she has the biggest smile. It gives this other girl permission, oh, you know what? It's not so bad. I'm gonna show my smile even though I have braces. Right? It's that person who's going first. And that's what I would say. And that's what you did.
It's like, look for that person who's going first that you can connect with in your grief. And that's where you feel less alone and isolated because not finding that. That's why it is so isolating. Right?

Christina Keys: Right. Well, and, you know, it allows people to have that space to be who they need to be in that process. And I I talk about this a lot with my friends, you know, you you cannot the more you resist what you're going through. The more it's going to weigh heavy on you. If you are obsessed up to yeah.
Yeah. If you allow yourself to just feel it, talk about it, you know, it just is what it is. You're gonna get through you're gonna get through it better. It's gonna become easier when those thoughts come up. You know, they don't get so dark.
They don't get so loud because it's like it's like they're just one of the leaves going down the stream. It's not the alligator in the stream. You know what I mean? It's trying to get to. You know? So we and we talk about that a lot. And and I I believe people need that space to if they're having that day to, like, they need a space, a friend, a group, to share about that. And you're absolutely correct. You know, the relationships being different. I I think one of the most wonderful things my grief coach said to me and my grief therapist said to me was you and your brother and sister had the same exact father. But you're gonna grieve differently because you have three different types of relationships with him. Mhmm. And you're his children, you know? And and that's okay. You don't have to grieve the same way.
You don't you just don't have to.

Victoria Volk: And the energy it takes to get angry or upset that someone else is grieving differently than you is a lot of wasted energy. And and that's where people just understood that it's different for them because their relationship was different even though you grow up in the same household. Right? It's going to be very different.

Christina Keys: Well, in the caregiver, you know, the piece of it too, a lot of people there's a lot of people who are telling you to, you know, get up and get get get active and do all this stuff, and it's like, okay. There is no timeline for grief. And there's and you have been, as a caregiver, you know, you've been in survival mode for so long. Like, your soul is tired. From the grief, your heart is tired.
You know, from watching somebody slowly die, your heart is like, you know, it is okay for you to take your time. Whatever timeline that is. If on Tuesday you have a crap ton of energy, great. Go with it. But if on Wednesday and Thursday you cannot get out of bed, that's okay too.
You know, and nobody gets to tell you, what your timeline is. There is no and I talk about this a lot. There is no normal. You have to redefine your normal when you're grieving because you have never been. Your husband, your wife, your mother, your child has never died before and you've had to live through that.
So you need to redefine your normal. I've cared for my mother for ten years. I had to redefine my normal when I went from, like, living the high life and doing great and being, you know, independent with my partner. And then all of a sudden I became a family caregiver, I had to redefine my normal. When my mother died, I had to redefine my normal also.
It's okay to be a little mixed up. You know, if you if you start comparing your life to how it was before they died, again, you're gonna shame yourself and guilt yourself. Try to start recreating a life and redefining what your normal is. Even though it's a sad thing to accept for a while. Right?
Now it's gonna be different, but the more you start creating what that normal is, the more you can also experience some joy with that grief.

Victoria Volk: What words your relationship look like with your mom? Before this happened, before her stroke. And and with your father too. Mhmm.

Christina Keys: Well, my mother actually My mother was my abuser actually growing at a lot and I didn't talk about a lot. When she was alive. I didn't talk about that a lot. I went through a lot of therapy and things got better. We were, you know, really close because I was able to set boundaries with her and things like that, and then she had her stroke.
And the abuse started again, you know, but not the physical abuse. Right? But I couldn't set boundaries with her at that point because she had cognitive issues. So, you know, setting boundaries with her is not gonna work and she needed medical attention. Right?
And so I had to learn I had to learn how to set boundaries with myself. My relationship with my father was I love my father. My father taught me about unconditional love. And he was really proud of me. And I talked to my dad about a lot of stuff.
He was a person I went through went to to talk about when I was having a hard time. And I was kind of the person that he went to when he was having a hard time, you know, for a long time too. And and we had all these, like, Sunday calls, and we would talk a lot. And I remember after my father died, I was so incredibly angry. I was so angry.
I was so mad, and I couldn't connect with him. And I because I had all these romantic ideas of what life after somebody died would be like, they'd be an angel, you're guiding an angel, get all these signs. You know? I thought, you know. Anyways, I couldn't feel my dad.
I couldn't hear my dad. I couldn't connect with my dad. There was no sign and I was so angry and so hurt. And I remember one day, it's probably about three months after he died. I got myself a cup of coffee, and I had got a cup of coffee, poured a cup cup of coffee for him.
I bought this cup for him that was a five super dad cup because father's day was after he had passed, and I bought it for him. And I poured him a cup of coffee with some of his favorite creamer, and I went on to my backyard and I sat down and sat the cup by another chair that was out there because when he would come to visit, we would always have coffee together. Right? I'm in my backyard and I'm just gonna talk to him. I'm just gonna talk to him.
And And at this time, I smoked cigarette cigarettes. And so I lit a cigarette. I said, well, dad. And I heard him clear's day say, I don't like it when you smoke. And I said, out loud, I said, well, I don't like it when you die, so I guess were even.
And I heard him laugh. You know? And it was like, at that point, like, I started like, the barrier was broken. You know? And I could have these conversations with my dad and feel his presence.
And you know, hear his advice in my, you know, head when I was, like, talking to him, like, I still could have those conversations with him and he still get that advice and still get that love and, you know, that I used to have. You know, but I had to have a minute of doing something crazy and that I felt stupid doing to just kinda let some of that air out of the balloon, you know. And yeah. And my relationship with my mother you know, we had that tough relationship, but we we had so many end of life conversations. My mother I'll tell you with my mom.
She was my abuser, but my mother gave me a better life than she had. I had to learn a lot of people used to ask me, how can you take care of your mother after what she did to you? And what they don't understand is I learned how to forgive my mother as a woman a long time ago before I forgave her as my mom. So I grew into a woman. I realized the challenges that come along with being a woman.
I realized the challenges that come along with dating and being in love and being a career woman and all of these things and if I would've had a best friend who went through my mom, what my mom went through, I would've said, man, you're doing a great job. I never allowed my mother to be a woman. You know, I always wanted her to be the the mom from the TV, the mom from the kids down the street. So I was able to forgive my mother as a woman and then forgive her as my mom and and I remember, you know, it was it was a few months before she passed because my mother had never made amends to me. You know, she had never said, I'm sorry.
One day, she said, I'm sorry for everything that happened, for the things that I I did to you. And I I said, Ma, I forgave you a long time ago. And that's how I was able to be your caregiver. You've got nothing to worry about we are good. And when she was in hospice in those last few days before she stopped talking, she said, again, you know, I'm so sorry.
I said, I want you to go in peace. I want you to know that we are good, and she was able to go knowing that.

Victoria Volk: One of the things that I work with Grievers is forgiveness. It's one of the hardest even in the case of abuse. Right? Like, how can you possibly forgive an abuser?

Christina Keys: Right.

Victoria Volk: But it is possible. And there are ways about it even if you're not fully a hundred percent there We call it a stopover. It's like this, you know, you speak the truth, right, of where you're at, but the importance of forgiveness it is for you. It's not for them.

Christina Keys: Well, and and I had to really again, I had to redefine what forgiveness was because I thought if I forgave my mother that meant that all the abuse she did to me was okay. And it also gave her right to continue doing that, you know, not only my mother but everybody. If I forgave you, that meant that I handed you back the bat and you got to continue to beat me up with it. And I had to remember that, like, that's not the case with forgiveness. You're not saying that when I say I forgive you, you know, and I don't need to necessarily say that to you even.
You know, it doesn't mean that like, hey, all the crap you did to me is okay. And by the way, you can continue to do that and I'll keep doing that. I had to really get that through my head because for a long time, I thought that meant I forgive you. It's okay to keep doing that to me. That is not the case.
That is not the case. No. No. And and what it did is it freed me from waiting for that apology from her. Mhmm.
The forgiveness when I forgave my mother, not by telling her, but within me as a woman, it freed me from waiting for that apology from her. It freed me from when I laid my head down on the pillow at night. Those thoughts that went through my head about, I wish you would do this. I wish you had freed me from that control, that waiting for that apology for her realizing her wrongs had no for me. That's what it did.
It and and she she was none the wiser. She didn't know what was going on. But me, I could sleep better at night. I could walk into my mother's house and see my mom. And I could have a mother.
I could have a relationship with her. Because being a mother, being a child that that saying like that's a child only a mother can love and living in the space in my head that my own mother didn't love me was torture. And she wasn't gonna fix it. I needed to fix it. So being able to forgive her as a woman and being able to stand beside her as a woman was a huge freedom for me and it allowed me to love myself a little bit more as well.
Right? And I needed that because if she doesn't even love me, you know what I mean? We gotta grow up and be adults. Right? If if I'm constantly like blaming everything and being held by that, I am I'm I'm selling myself short on what I could experience in life, you know.
And it's not an easy process. Forgiveness is not an easy process, and there's a lot of grief that goes along with it. You grieved that apology that you wanted. You grieve that moment of like them saying, god, I wish I wouldn't hurt you, and you and you grieve like thinking if love would have just been enough to stop them from abuse. When I think about my life, and I think about all the pieces of my life.
I am so grateful that dad was an alcoholic. He would beat my mom and my mother would beat me. My dad never touched me. When I think about my life, I'm grateful for all the pieces that were put together, and I'm grateful that those were my parents because they also taught me a lot about love. They taught me a lot about fighting for my self esteem.
They taught me a lot about speaking my voice. They taught me a lot about being a strong person and a strong woman and having a strong relationship with, you know, my god and my faith and has nothing to do with religion.

Victoria Volk: And the thought that came to my mind is and yet, people think that you have that what you share is to get attention.

Christina Keys: Yeah. And I you know, I don't

Victoria Volk: get it. They just and those are the if anybody hearing this has experienced that. You have wisdom to share, and those aren't your people.

Christina Keys: Yeah. I mean, our voice matters. And, you know, if you if that's the way you wanna see it, that somebody wants to see it, that I'm trying to do it, or you're trying to do it to get attention yet, we are. We don't want them to walk through it as alone as we had to. We are trying to turn a mess into a message and a test into a testimony, and that's why we are sharing.

Victoria Volk: I love that last piece that you shared. Feel like you answered this, but I'll just ask it directly in case there's something that you wanna add onto it. But what has your grief taught you?

Christina Keys: Mhmm. Well, my grief has given me a stronger relationship with my faith. My grief has taught me another level of redefining normal. My grief has taught me how to be stronger than I knew how to be. My grief has taught me that my story can have a different ending than my feelings.
Tell me it can.

Victoria Volk: Are you the oldest?

Christina Keys: I am.

Victoria Volk: Did your siblings experience the same abuse as you or no?

Christina Keys: They did it was a little different. Yeah. My brother went with my dad at nine. So but there was quite a bit for him before that, and my sister yeah. So

Victoria Volk: How old were you when they divorced?

Christina Keys: Well

Victoria Volk: or maybe they didn't divorce, like There's

Christina Keys: just a second time. So they got they got so they knew each other since my mom was four. My dad was my mom's older brother's best friend. They got married. My mother was fifteen.
My dad was seventeen. No. My yeah. My dad was seventeen. They somehow got married.
They had me when I my mom was seventeen. And then they stayed married for, like, nineteen or twenty years. They got divorced for a couple years. And then they got married again, had my sister when I was thirteen. And then stayed married for a couple years and got divorced again.
So and then my dad remarried somebody else in twenty in two thousand. So Yeah.

Victoria Volk: What okay. So you had mentioned that they they taught you about love, and you had mentioned your long term relationship was seventeen years. Yeah. And I guess I'll just wrap this in with forgiveness, with your mother too, like the role of forgiveness, not even just with our parental roles. Right?
But with other relationships. And forgiveness of yourself too. Yeah. Because I'm curious where your addiction came into play at what point in your life.

Christina Keys: Yeah. It was interesting because I remember my my first boyfriend. I was like fifteen years old and we were never gonna drink because addiction ran in our family, you know. And and then we broke up and we saw each other at a party on the beach and we were both drinking. And then I quit drinking when I was twenty five.
I got sober when I was twenty five. And I never picked up a drug or a drink again. I had done enough damage in that time. And I think the biggest damage for me was, like, I was always super tenacious, you know. And I think I learned that from my mom.
My mom went from Rosie The River to She ended her career as an executive at Boeing with one of the highest military clearances you can get in aerospace, you know, and very tenacious woman. I kept doing all these great things and I'd get almost to the top and then I would you know, bail out of them. And I would move a lot and and, I mean, I would buy my furniture based on if they fit in a trunk because we had moved around a lot when I was a child. And so I think I just got tired of it seemed like I had tried every person place thing and job on the block. And, you know, I I kinda was at the place where I just I thought dying would be the best option.
And I I went to Bend, Oregon where my cousin lived, and he was actually sober. And he asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting with him, and I and figured out how to kill myself yet. I went to a meeting with him and realized maybe that's the one house on the block I hadn't tried yet. And I wasn't gonna commit to staying sober, but I was gonna do what they said and see if it worked. And not drinking use in between, and it works.
And I went from drinking and using quite a bit to being absolutely sober and not touching a dragger on alcohol our alcohol March fourth will be thirty one years.

Victoria Volk: Congratulations. That's amazing. Yeah. And despite everything that you went through and you kind of you touched on that, like, how easy it would have been and and being the caregiver and having to dispense these meds and all of that and having addiction in your past. That's an aspect I think of caregiving that isn't really talked about either.

Christina Keys: Howard Bauchner: Yeah, and it happens a lot. And what was tough about it was, you know, I talked about my father dying April thirtieth, and my cousin died May fifth. Well, the cousin that died May fifth is the cousin who got me sober. And that would have been the exact, you know, person, you know, he knew my mother you know, he knew the struggles with, you know, addiction. That would have been the person who I would have called to be like, this is tough.
Right? And he was gone. You know, was talking to angels, you know, again, at that moment. You know? I needed my dad, I needed my cousin.
I needed Terry, my partner who was my best friend, you know, for many years. But, you know, he had his last stroke on May ninth, and and we still have conversations, but he can't be there for me like he was before, like, all the people who are my writer dies, either had died or really, you know, or incapacitated, you know, and, you know, trying to go through this, you know. And I was so grateful for you know, who I was really grateful for was you know, some of those family caregivers, those private family caregivers had become family. And there was a woman named Jeanette, and she was almost like my mom and she was became, like, my mom's best friend. And she was the one who was there for me who, like, you know, helped me administer some of those end of life meds when I was, you know, having a hard time, you know, when we had to start doing it different ways than just getting her to swallow the pills.
You know, I remember she did bring this little tiny tree, you know, to that house, and and that was the only Christmas thing we had there. And I had this absolutely gorgeous picture of, you know, her giving my mom a hug and a kiss a couple days before my mom went on that end of life coma. And she was the only person allowed in that viewing. Of the open casket. And she she started as a caregiver.
We hired off a Facebook, and she became a family that was so close that she was able to be in that viewing. And then I will have that woman today.

Victoria Volk: How have you rebuilt your life since twenty twenty two, which I'm sure is a year that you couldn't wait to flip the calendar on?

Christina Keys: I read out my life one moment at a time, one second at a time, one thought at a time, one prayer at a time, one new learning experience at a time. I didn't know how to do any of this. I I obviously did a lot of grief counseling. I learned, you know, such a odd blessing that having my father die first because I I really learned a difference between grief and caregiver recovery. I named it caregiver recovery because my recovery from drug and alcohol is, you know, you rebuild your life.
You know, and that's what having to do. And so, you know, simple things like before I was caring for my mom, I used to plan three softball teams, I belly dance, I went vacationing all of these things, and I I didn't have time to do it. I had to, like, make this little jar that had things in it that I could, like, pull out because I didn't even know what I wanted to try anymore, you know, and my finances were an issue. And I had to realize I don't know. I don't know how I feel.
I don't know what I wanna do. I also had to realize that getting comfortable with being uncomfortable getting comfortable with experiencing grief and joy at once. I remember I did my first five k after my parents passed and, you know, I identified five k with my dad and it was the five k that I had done with my dad that was the first five k. And so I brought a picture of him with me, and I brought, you know, the little purse my mom used to use with me to carry my cell phone in. And, you know, I ended that night.
And I cried in a smile. You know? And that's okay. And I also I realized there are no rules, there are no normal, and I get to make the rules, and I also get to remember most importantly that I have never lived through my mother dying before. I have never lived through my father dying before or my cousin dying or or my partner of seventeen years having to be put in an adult family home.
So it's okay for me to not have it all figured out. That's how I've gone through it.

Victoria Volk: It's beautiful advice for those who may find themselves in similar shoes. I see on your website that you have a self care at sea who is coming on.

Christina Keys: Yes.

Victoria Volk: And that I found I'm like, that's intriguing.

Christina Keys: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: I wanna give you an opportunity to share about that.

Christina Keys: Yeah. Absolutely. So this October on Norwegian, myself Elizabeth Miller, Natalie Elliott, JJ Elliott, the dementia narrowing and a bunch of other care influencers are there's I believe there's six of us total. We are hosting a self care at sea cruise, and it's a seven day cruise. And we are leaving out of Miami and we're gonna be doing all kinds of stuff on the ship and all kinds of excursions and it's not just for people who are caregivers, it's people who want to learn how to redefine self care who, because our lives change, we're busy parents, we're grievers, we're professionals, we're all of these things, and we've got to figure out how to do self care.
And so we're gonna be on that boat, and we're gonna learn how to normalize self care, normalize, thinking we're worth it. And we're all gonna have a great time. And it's gonna be people who are, you know, trying to figure it all out together. And you're gonna be learning about that through people who had to learn me hard way about self care because they had to put themselves second while they were caring for a loved one. And they had to figure out real quick that they had to take care of themselves and their loved one at the same time.
So it's gonna be great. And what's great about it is If you go to my website, you can book there, you can put a hundred and twenty five dollars down, and then you don't even have to pay for the rest of it till the end of July, and the cruise leaves in October. In October is when it leaves. So And it doesn't matter who you are. You're probably gonna know quite a few people on that cruise.
So

Victoria Volk: I just I love the idea. I think it's brilliant.

Christina Keys: You should go with us. You should go. You should go.

Victoria Volk: And on that note, because I'm sure you've learned a lot about self care that you plan to share on the cruise, but what would you share today on this podcast with people who are listening about self care? What what you would have what you would do, what you wish you would have done differently, which helps people to learn what to do. Right? But it's not to tell people what to do either. Right?
It's what worked for you. And so what would you speak to on self care for caregivers?

Christina Keys: I would say the most important thing is your life changed. Your life is different from before care. Before care, I was doing Manny Petties, vacationing, doing all of these great things that I could afford at time for and I could relax for. When I became a caregiver that was not the case. So I had to redefine my normal and I had to take self care and put it into thirty second acts, five minute acts, ten minute acts.
And then when I my mother passed and I've been going through grief and caregiver recovery. I had to redefine my normal again and realize I was coming out of survival mode and a lot of trauma. And so I had to what can I do for self care? I had a lot of decision fatigue going on. So what can I do with that?
I've actually if anybody who follows me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or YouTube, or TikTok, I'm actually doing a series right now. With some self care cards where I'm taking the suggestions of these self care cards and modifying them for a caregiver journey or a caregiver recovery journey be because it is it is different, you know. The biggest thing is redefine your normal. Self care could be a thirty second act. I mean, if we all just stop for a minute right now, everybody listening and just take a deep breath.
We've just done the act of self care right there.

Victoria Volk: Calms the nervous system. You know? Mhmm. Thank you so much for sharing all that you have shared. You clearly have a lot of wisdom to share.
I'm glad that I'm not glad for you that this is what got you here, of course. But I don't know how you how you said it, but trauma into how did you say that again?

Christina Keys: Oh, using your voice is very important. Your voice has value. We are here to turn a message into a message and a test into a testimony.

Victoria Volk: Test into a testimony. Yes. I love that. That's yeah. That's you're like a brand slogan.

Christina Keys: Well, and I I did wanna mention, we do have a caregiver recovery peer to peer support group starting actually today and it's a free monthly support group. So if there is anybody who is on a caregiver recovery journey, feel free to reach out to me on any of my social channels or you can text me at my nationwide text line three six o two three zero seven seven three six, and we we were gonna help each other walk through that recovering as caregivers.

Victoria Volk: Do you have a link for that caregiver group?

Christina Keys: I did. I have a I've got a flyer, and then they can also email caregiver recovery at gmail dot com. And that should be on my website shortly. It's all over the social channels too, which is Christina Keys or keys for caregiving on any of the specials.

Victoria Volk: And I will put the links in the show notes along with your text line.

Christina Keys: Mhmm. You can use that nationwide, so that gets right.

Victoria Volk: That's And that that's just to connect with you to ask questions or

Christina Keys: Absolutely. Yeah. Okay.

Victoria Volk: Yeah.

Christina Keys: Right. Thank

Victoria Volk: you so much for your time, Christina. This has been emotional. I've had some of my own awarenesses and hearing your story, so I thank you for that. I have no doubts that your passion alone is going to take you to great places in this work. So thank you.

Christina Keys: Thank you so much for having me on today, and thank you for everything you do. Thank you for giving us greeters of voice.

Victoria Volk: Absolutely. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much loved