Kenisha Brown-Alexander | An Orphaned Adult with Hope For a Brighter Tomorrow

Kenisha Nichelle is a trailblazer in the sports industry and a passionate advocate for individuals navigating the challenging landscape of grief.

Kenisha shares her deeply personal journey of overcoming profound losses, including becoming an orphaned only child with the unexpected deaths of both her father and mother, and how she has channeled her experiences into a mission of healing and empowerment.

Key Takeaways:

• Journey of a Child Griever: Kenisha discusses the unique challenges she faced as a child griever, losing her father at the age of 12. She shares how this early loss shaped her perspective and understanding of grief and how that first loss prepared her for the loss of her mother while she was in college.
• Turning Pain into Purpose: Learn how Kenisha transformed her grief into a purposeful mission by founding the Brighter Tomorrow Foundation Incorporated. This organization provides innovative resources for those dealing with grief, helping them find hope and healing.
• The Role of Color Therapy: Discover how Kenisha integrates color therapy into her work, offering a unique approach to healing that supports emotional well-being and resilience.
• Empowering Others Through Authenticity:  Kenisha emphasizes sharing her full story with vulnerability and authenticity, inspiring others to embrace their grief journey.
• Creating Safe Spaces: Through initiatives like Game Changers United, Kenisha is dedicated to creating supportive environments where individuals, especially athletes, can navigate life's challenges and find a sense of belonging.

Join us as we explore how embracing our grief can lead to profound personal growth and a purposeful life.

RESOURCES:

• Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind
• Website
• Brighter Tomorrow Foundation
• Game Changers United

CONNECT:

Transcript

Victoria Volk: Hey, hey, hey, welcome to another episode of grieving voices. If you've been here a while, thank you for coming back if this is your first episode. Welcome today my guest is Kenisha Nichelle. She is a trailblazer in the sports industry and a passionate advocate for those navigating grief. Having overcome profound personal losses, including the deaths of her father and mother, Kinesha has turned her pain into purpose. She has made significant contributions to organizations like the Miami dolphins, in the Super Bowl Committee, and she founded the brighter Tomorrow Foundation Incorporated, which provides innovative resources for individuals dealing with grief. Kenisha is also the creator of game changers united, a platform designed to support athletes and overcoming life's challenges. Her work is characterized by authenticity, resilience, and a deep commitment to helping others find hope and healing. Kanisha's mission is to inspire and empower individuals to live and not merely survive. Thank you so much for being here. Absolutely. I think we're of the same mindset, so you are in the perfect place.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Thank you. Thank you.

Victoria Volk: Yes. So thank you for what you're about to share, and I'm happy to meet you.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Likewise, I'm always grateful for the opportunity to share. So thank you, Victoria, for having me.

Victoria Volk: So I was reading looking through your website and things, and I was a childgriever. My father passed when I was and I read that your father had passed when you were twelve, unexpectedly.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yes.

Victoria Volk: And one thing I found interesting in reading was that color therapy was introduced to you And I thought, well, that's interesting. And I dug further and it's that you've incorporated that into the brighter tomorrow foundation. And we'll get to all of that. We'll need to talk about all of that. But first, it's what led you to where you are today. Are those losses in transforming your pain into purpose, which has another conversation I wanna get. Yeah. Close, but a pin in that. But please share with me and our listeners the impact of being a child retriever in growing up with it, really, because that's what we do as child grieving, which is very different when you lose a parent as an adult. Right?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Right. Yes. So it was unexpected. My father was a police officer. And so he was at a routine training. They were in the classroom. They weren't out in the field. And he was just, you know, in his in the classroom, and we got told that he came back from lunch and just collapsed to the floor. I was in school, and so my mother came and got me from school and pulled me out and said, you know, your father is being rushed to the hospital we have to go, so we went. Somehow, I don't know the timing, but somehow we beat them there?
Or we got them, like, right at the same time? Because I can't remember seeing him come out of the ambulance and being, you know, brought into the emergency room. As they were working on him and things, we later found out that it was a brain aneurysm He had so the story that I've been told was that as a child, he was swimming and dove hit first into the pool one time, and it left a permanent cut. On his head. So we don't know if that had something to do with, like, it was just there and no one behold, it ruptured, but it was a brain aneurysm. And so that was on a Wednesday. By Saturday, he was declared brain dead. Mhmm. And so that's literally unexpected. Like, we didn't know how my parents were divorced. So when my parents divorced, I I opted to live with my father because I was a daddy's girl. Things unconventional and most daughters go with their moms, but my dad had a had a really good relationship. So, you know, that was my world. That's where I live. That was everything. He had, you know, since remarried at the time, but it was my world. And it tore me to shred. You know, I had lost my great grandmother before then, but that's the only death that I had experienced at that age. And so, yeah, at twelve, shook my world upside down. And, you know, I tried to well, I didn't try I went back to school and, you know, would do things in his honor, but it was tough.
It was tough because I'm like, okay, what happens now? You know, I have a mom, but I'm living with my stepmother so that kinda got a little dicey little bit. And then, you know, courts got involved and all those kind of things, and it weighed on me, like, the stress weighed on me to the point to where I started to cut myself because I just didn't know how to process pain. You know, this is nineteen ninety nine. Mental health is not even a thing. Then so, you know and it was with the butter knife. It was something trivial, but, you know, it was still I was lashing out. I was, you know, trying to do something to amass the pain. And my family, they eventually sock therapy. And it would they put me in a children's grief counseling class, and I think we probably once a week or so. And it was there where I was introduced to coloring and art therapy that it's just it's a therapeutic tool, you know. It's not meant to take away any pain or anything like that, but it is a safe outlet for you to reprogram your minds and to get your mind off of what it's going through, like, you know, all the process and then all the questions and all the what if. In this particular moment, you know, you have the opportunity to just be. And it obviously makes sense for a child, you know, to do it. But I encourage adults to do it as well because I always say you have got to get that paint out somehow because just like a balloon, it will fill up and fill up and fill up until it bursts.
And you don't know what that thing is going to be that will make you burst. Right? So you have to process your thoughts and feelings in some sort of way. And so I just, you know, went back to that technique because fast forward when I lost my mother, it came back up as in my life again.

Victoria Volk: And how was that experience different? I mean, being twelve, preteen, like, middle school, that is Yeah. Top of my head anyway. Yeah. And in college. Mhmm. I think mothers. So very pivotal

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Times in your life. How does

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: that work? And I'm the only child. So, you know, it's not like I had a brother's sister that we could kinda cling to each other to go through this. It was just me. So that was equally as tough. I won't say unexpected, but it was breast cancer and kinda showed up out of nowhere. And it was stage three, so it was pretty aggressive when she found it. I will say in my personal opinion, she opted to have a lumpectomy, just the removal of the tumor versus having a mastectomy. I think that is the difference between her not being here today or at least having a few more years, but that's just neat. But, you know, like I said, they were divorced, so I understand her reasons now as a grown woman. She didn't wanna go through that. But that was it was a lot too because, again, yes, I was I was a sophomore in college when she was first diagnosed. And so here I am. I went to school about an hour away from our hometown. And I did that because, you know, I wanted to freedom of being away, but also the security of being close.
I didn't know when I went to school that that was gonna really be a thing that played a role in my life, but it did. And so it did. Yeah. It allowed me to be able to get back home for appointments and chemo and just be there as a support. But in this game called balance, something else suffered and what suffered was my classes. Right? I wasn't either going to classes or I was failing because I wasn't studying. So that became a lot to to handle and to manage.

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Kenisha Brown-Alexander: And it didn't take long. You know, she She had it. She went into remission. We took a trip to New York. It was Christmas. Well, no. Thanksgiving of two thousand and six. And she'd never been and we wanted to go. So we went to New York, and she started having really, really bad headaches on the plane. We got back. She got tested. Found out that the cancer hadn't metastasized to her brain. And so we had to go through that. It was a long haul. And then that was January. And I would say by late May, June, it had then metastasized again to her lungs to where it was pretty much throughout the body. And so she passed July thirteenth of two thousand seven.

Victoria Volk: So after your father passed and you moved in with your mother. Yes?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I did. Yeah. I eventually did. You just didn't seem right to stay with my stepmom. So I did.
I moved in with my mom.

Victoria Volk: Did that improve? I mean, you improved your relationship with your mom so that by the time of basic college you were

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah. It did. We had a strained relationship prior to, again, I was a daddy's girl, so I opted to live with him. You know, she didn't understand it. But then, you know, she got on board with it. But, you know, she want she went to live in her life, you know, she started dating other people and things. And so there were become times where those men, if you will, got put before me. And so that kinda strained our relationship. So when he passed and I, you know, finally made the decision to live with her. You know, I had a very adult conversation. A hindsight is twenty twenty, and I probably like, if my daughter was to do this to me, I'd be upset. But I had a very adult conversation with I said, no, ma'am. I'm gonna come live with you, but you can't have a boyfriend while I'm here. Now when I leave for college, you do whatever you want. But while I'm here, you can't. And I let's just say I was fifteen. Am this. And that's wild to me now. But I did, you know, I didn't know any better. And honestly, she listened.
At least she listened

Victoria Volk: to hear your wishes.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Right. Unless she had a boyfriend that I didn't know about to get a really good job of, you know, keeping it hush, but I didn't know. So to me, there wasn't anybody in the picture. So that helps our relationship, you know, that, you know, put us back on track if you will. And so, yeah, we became, you know, good mother and daughter. Obviously, when I came with an adult eighteen, you know, friends, if you will, you know, still my mom, of course. But, yes, it our relationship improved. And then even when I got off to college and things, you know, I was always there for her before the cancer, you know, just always doing things and taking her lunch and things like that. So, yes, it our relationship improved and then, you know, that happened. And so that put me full force to wanna be there as much as I can.

Victoria Volk: And it also changed your trajectory in college as well. Did it not a little bit?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: It did. It did. So I originally went to school because I wanted to be a doctor. I love to help, you know, I love medicine. So I just knew I was gonna be a pediatrician. Right? Just kind of the go to thing. I got into my first class, and it was horrible. I was like, nope. I can't do this. All the ions and neurons and all of the things with with chemistry. And I was like, no, this is not it. But I love sports. And so just watching football games you know, seeing the players get injured and the people run into the field, I began to question who were they. Mhmm. And so I found out those were athletic trainers and I was like, oh, that's cool because it's still kind of medicine ish a little bit. But it's sports. So that seems like fun. So I changed my major to athletic training, and then I ended up getting an opportunity to be a student athletic trainer at my school, University of Kentucky. And so that was fun. Like, you know, I got assigned to the track and field team. So I got to, you know, travel with them and be at practice. So I had basically the same schedule as an athlete, still maintaining pool class lows and trying to, you know, have a social life. And that's when I got the call that my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Mhmm. It was actually pretty terrible how I found out. So I was at home just, you know, relax or whatever, and I got a phone call from a church member. And the church member was like, hey, Kanisha, I just wanna let you know that I'm praying for you and your mom. Everything is gonna be okay. You know, you guys are gonna make it, she's gonna be fine, and I'm like, what are you talking about? And all I hear was, oh my god, you don't know. Okay. And so we'll say this was when day, like, Wednesday night bible study or something like that. My mom had told them, but she knew I was coming home for the weekend. Mhmm.
So she was waiting until I got home because she didn't want me to be frantic and get on the highway. Everything that she didn't want me to do. I did. Because when that phone call was over the next call, mother, what are these people talking about? And so she was like, yeah. Well, I didn't wanna tell you with the phone. I I knew you were coming home this weekend, so I was gonna tell you when I saw you. Okay, girl. I'll see you in an hour. And I drove up. She's like, no, don't do that. Bye because you can't stop me. So I went home and loved on her and I think because I think that was like a Wednesday if I had to guess. So bump classes Thursday and Friday didn't care, you know, I was gone. So that's how I found out. Pretty awful. But I was there, you know, full force. But like I said, I started failing classes because I wanted to be there. And my grandmother was obviously taking care of her her mom and she has siblings and family and, you know, friends that were there, but it's still I felt responsible as her daughter. So I would begin to fail classes and not go and, you know, struggle and all of those kind of things so that fast forward when she did pass away. And I'm pretty sure you're gonna ask me about what happened after that, so I skipped it. But I then long term knew that I needed my support system, so I ended up transferring to my the school in my hometown so I could be close to my support system because after an incident, I realized that just an hour was too far. And so I end up changing my nature because they told me I needed three years to to I wanted to stay being a trainer, I would need three years to undo all of my grades and I'm like, I don't have three years so I ended up switching to sports administration. And so that's how I got to where I am today.

Victoria Volk: Which turned out to be a blessing in disguise too.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: It did. It did. There's a little piece of me that still, you know, misses that my daughter is starting to play basketball now and so she she's gotta pull me out of retirement. I'll do massages. And I'm like, okay. Do I need to tape your ankle and all that kind of stuff? So I'll, you know, still kind of practice every now and again. And, you know, I had big hopes and dreams of what that would look like. But hindsight's always twenty twenty, and yes, had and it's weird, you know, I'm sure you can relate. Had certain things not happened, we wouldn't be here. And I honestly believe, like, Had I not lost my mother, I probably wouldn't even have my daughter because I would have never ended up in Miami. And so I can trace my life all the way back to that moment. So if it had worked out, I have no idea what now would even look like because I probably wouldn't even be in Miami, honestly.

Victoria Volk: I'm getting full body chills. Oh, that's just that sounds good to me.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: And I'm seeing behind you if people just listening to

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: people who

Victoria Volk: can't see the screen, but where there is hope, there is faith, and where there is faith miracles happen. You really do weave in your Christian faith and believe system into the work that you do, into the foundation and all of that. And so at any point, because I can imagine I mean, I know what it I know what losing my father in things that happened after that. Did to me and it really made me hate God for a long time.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I did. I did.

Victoria Volk: Yeah. You struggled for a while, ma'am.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I did. I did. Because I didn't understand why. Like, I'm twenty one. I've accomplished nothing.
The only thing I have is a high school diploma. So what am I still going to school for? What what am I even trying for? I have no clue what to do. You know, I think I figured out my life's career in this athletic training, but I didn't fill classes, so that's not gonna work. So, yeah, I was very upset. And I was you know, I grew up in the church, loved guys, and in the choir, taught, Sunday school, did all of the things. And so immediately it didn't hit immediately. I think I probably went to church, you know, right after she passed. And, of course, you know, the funeral was at my church and things. But slowly, but surely, I started to break down. I started to, you know, why me, of course, and then just why, you know, why I I didn't ask for this. I didn't I don't think I've done anything wrong, you know, all of those type of questions. And so while those questions aren't filtering and while, you know, I'm slowly but surely disconnecting myself from God is when I would say my breaking point happened. And so, like I said, I was a athletic trainer. When I returned to school in the fall, I was then assigned to the women's basketball team. And I was really looking forward to that. I'm like, okay. Because if you know anything about men's basketball, Kentucky is it's the mecca. And so to be part of the women's team and be kind of in the same space, it was cool. Right? And so I was excited about it. And I would smile during the day and I would steal, you know, just booh, cry at night because grief tends to hit the worst at night. But it was Labor Day weekend, and I wanted to go home and see my family. And because, again, I'd been to school probably about a month. At this point. So I'm like, okay. It's a long weekend. I can go home. I can get a home cooked meal.I can get loved on. And I'll be good. And my supervisor told me I couldn't go home. And that's that pin that bursts my bubble. I and again, like I said, all those other feelings that I was having about life in general was all festering inside. And then to be told, I couldn't go home for a reason that I don't understand. She didn't have a reason. You know, we weren't in season which would have made sense like this is, you know, the first of September. What are we doing? And that was the last day that I was a trainer.
I took my keys off my key ring and I put it on the table and I said I quit. Will not be doing this anymore. And I walked out. I went to my apartment in Lexington, changed my clothes, got in my car, drove to Louisville. I stopped at the drugstore, and picked up some pills. I went to the liquor store and got some alcohol. And then I went to my aunt's house because that's where I would crash when I would come home for the weekend. And I consumed them both. I got in the bed and I said, I hope I never wake up. Because I was like, I can't do this. I I've got nothing else to give. I texted my boyfriend at the time and said, you know, I love you, but I can't do this, and I cut off my phone. And that was my breaking point. But I'm still here. And I'm grateful and thankful. And it was because of that that I didn't realize, okay, that there is a God. Because even though I was feeling those things and I was angry and I wasn't praying and I wasn't doing all of the things, he still found a way to save me because it didn't have to. It could have been the end. And so that landed me in a mental hospital for four days. It was It was a terrible experience, but it was what I needed, you know. It was scary. It was rough. But I needed that. I needed to see that, yes, life is pretty horrible right now for you. There is somebody else who has it worse. I was not being beaten up. I had not been raped. I had not been beaten and left. You know? There were that was my roommate story, actually.
And so I wasn't that even though this was that, it wasn't that. And so, you know, I believe that, you know, God allowed me to see those things of and it's unfortunate for them. Again, I'm not, you know, passing any judgment or anything at all, but allow me to see that there's other people that are going through other things that you're not. So let's be grateful and thankful you still have a family. They found you.
They brought you here. You know, they wanna make sure you're taken care of. So I had to find some sort of thankfulness in that just a little bit of peace. Mhmm. And that is what started me on the path of kinda rebuilding my hope and and trust in faith. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: So you changed your major again. Right? That's right.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yes. So after that stay is when I realized I was like, okay. I can't do this. I can't stay. I need to transfer when I know, did all my paperwork, talked to the advisors, I wanted to stay with athletic training, which was Kinesiology and exercise science. But that's when they told me, well, you can. But you're gonna need three years to make up everything that you've you know, failed. And I was like, I don't have three years. I'm gonna end up quitting and probably living a life that would not be pleasing to my parents. So what else can I do?
And that's when they suggested sports administration. They say, well, you have enough credits on this side you know, to transfer over to where we can get you out in a year and a half. And I was like, okay. I can do that.

Victoria Volk: And here you are. And here I am. Yes.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: That that year and a half called for an internship. And most know, students, they still they do it in Louisville. They'll do it at the university, somewhere close by. But I took it as a unique opportunity to spread my wings and to see what was out there. And so long story short, I ended up getting my internship with the Orange Bull Committee which is in Miami. And I think that that was driven by the universe because in Kentucky, like, this time of year, it's cold, the sun never comes out, it's seasonal depression, it's ugly, it's all of the things on top of grief. And I was just like, I that was the reason I needed to go. I was like, I need to go somewhere else where it's not this. And lo and behold, I ended up in the Sunniest place in all of the United States. So I was like, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take a leap of faith that I'm gonna go. Never been to Miami, never been for spring break, didn't know anything about it, more than what I saw on TV. But I decided to bet on myself and just to see what would happen. And it was because of that how I'm doing the things that I get to do today.

Victoria Volk: And where do you live now?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I still I'm even lying. Yeah. I'm still lying.

Victoria Volk: I never left the sunshine.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: We left so I got down the line. I got married. And We spent a couple of years in Atlanta, so from twenty six no. Twenty fifteen to twenty eighteen. We did leave Miami and go to Atlanta at the time my grandmother, my father's mother, was really, really close to. Her health was starting to fail. And so it was beginning to get a lot to travel from Miami to Kentucky. And so and then things were happening in my career. I was like, okay. I can afford to, you know, get a change of scenery, change of environment. So going back to Kentucky was not an option, but I wanted to get close enough to where I could at least drive, you know, if I couldn't catch a quick flight. And so we ended up going to Atlanta for those three years. And I feel like it served as purpose, you know, it allowed me to see her more within the course she passed away. And so when she passed and my husband got another opportunity back here at Miami that brought us back in twenty eighteen, and so been here ever since.

Victoria Volk: And I read that you started brighter tomorrow foundation during the pandemic.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I did. I did. So again, sports, everything is shut down. I had just gotten a new job working for, we'll call it a organization that does summer camps, summer basketball camps on college campuses. Pandemic. Everything's closed. There's no camps. There's no nothing. So as quickly as I was hired was as quickly as I was or my position was eliminated, if you will. And so, yeah, I'm stuck with okay, what to do now? Because there's nothing. No sports know anything. But I'm obviously seeing that with COVID, we're losing people. I mean, the numbers obviously, you know, was insane. And so it made me just kinda think, you know, alright, Kenisha. You have been exactly where these people are. Right? Maybe not in the same way, of course. I won't be, you know, just respectful like that, but, you know, you understand the grief, the pain of losing a loved one. And so what can you do to help? And so I'm like, okay. I I think I'm ready to tell my story. The full story because up until that point, I would only tell bits and pieces. Right? I would tell about being a caregiver, so I started an organization for caregivers, which was a lot of fun and very rewarding. Right? I feel like caregivers are the unsung heroes. They're the ones who take their loved ones to the appointments. Sometimes they get mistreated because loved ones aren't frustrating and so they lash out on them. It's a lock that goes into being a caregiver. So I would hold host caregiver day out branches just to give them enough opportunity to be with other people and to talk and, you know, have some fun and eat and shop. And, of course, when the pandemic hit, I couldn't do those anymore. So I'm like, okay. So that part of the story, I I can't I mean, I can't share, but I can't share. Right? So the next part of the story is grief. And so I enrolled into a speakers program. And in that program, you know, they ask, well, what is the one thing that you can talk about that you don't have to Google? Because I was getting caregiver questions about things that I didn't understand, like, you know, talking about dementia. I haven't experienced that. I can empathize, but I don't know what that feels like. What? I can talk about grief all day and all night. And I don't have to Google or check anybody for that. And so that is when I started to be more vocal about my story and about the grief that I had experienced losing both of my parents. And so from there, it turned into, okay, how can I help people? And I'm sure people, you know, wanna talk, need therapist. Obviously, I can't quite be a therapist because that requires more training, but I could be a light coach. And I can't help people navigate the gap in the middle between where they are and where they hope to be in spite of this grief because as we all know when we're in it, we can't see the light of day. Right?
All we see is what's right in front of us, and we don't think that this is ever gonna go away. This is the way the life is gonna always gonna be. And being on the other side, I can tell you that that is not necessarily true. I'm not saying that it is not painful. I'm not saying that the journey is not long. But I am saying that with time, And with intentionality, you can still live a good life in spite of the loss. And so that is where all of this came from.

Victoria Volk: In action, taking action?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: In action. Yes. Yes. You know? I had to be intentional in the in the moment. And it started as another name. It was the grief institute. And then I ended up kinda pivoting and changing the name simply because I one day and I haven't started doing it yet. But I am prayerful for the day where I can, you know, do gala and do scholarships in my parents' honor and memory and, you know, be able to give to students who have lost parents and but they're still trying to keep going too. Right? I very much have a soft spot for those students, of course. Right? And so those are the big dreams, and that's why ended up switching it to a nonprofit so I could be able to do more work in this space and be able to help as many people as I can.

Victoria Volk: Well, in your other organization

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Oh, game changers.

Victoria Volk: Yeah, United.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: So it's not a sub organization. I've actually decided to keep it under brighter tomorrow foundation because the mission really is the same. Right? It's to support and give resources. So it's a program under brighter tomorrow foundation. But what I have discovered again, working in sports, I see a lot. I am a college professor too, so I interact with students and I get to literally be with them and talked to them and hear, you know, when they don't show up to class and then I find out that a cousin was shot and that's why they couldn't come because they couldn't handle it and it was a lot of pressure, it took me back to my story and my journey. So there is relatability in that space because I have walked that walk. And, you know, unfortunately, students against today are struggling with balance. It's a lot of pressure. And we have seen and I have seen that students, unfortunately, don't feel that they have an outlet and they too attempt suicide. It has been an epidemic However, this time, literally, this time last year while I was teaching, we found out that there was a young lady on the basketball team who committed suicide, and that felt too close to home to me. Even though I didn't have her as a student, I had one of her teammates in my class. She was a part of women's basketball team. So, you know, had to walk with her and encourage her in this grief. It just made me realize, like, they're going through a lot and I know what it feels like to be dealing with a lot and feeling like looking at left to right that nobody understands. Like, I'm literally the only person on the face of the fur of this Earth that's experiencing this. And then we know that's true. We all are dealing with things, but nobody talks about it. Or there's not a safe space to be able to talk about it. And so that's why I wanted to start this program for college campuses specifically so that they can have a safe space to walk in a room and say, alright, we may not be dealing with the exact same things, but we're all attached to sports in some capacity. Right? You're either a trainer, a manager, you're just a student as a future administrator where you're an athlete. But I'm trying to maintain my grades because I've gotta be eligible, but life has still happened. My mother was diagnosed with cancer. My grandmother just passed away. And so the idea is, yes, I can come in and speak and give you know, speeches, if you will, inspirational speeches and tell my story. I host workshops in group settings, so you can get hands on tangible tools and information to be able to walk with it and take it with you as you continue on your journey. But big picture is I see just individual chapters on college campuses to wear their student lid, their peer lid, perhaps they are facilitated by future therapists. Right? So they're getting the opportunity to get practical hours by facilitating the conversations with their classmates. But these these students connected to sports now have a safe space maybe once a week or every two weeks to gather with others who understand the the nuances of trying to balance it off. And it came to me well, not necessarily came to me. I always knew I wanted to do something like this, but it was magnified when I kinda tested this in my class last year. Again, I'm a very practical, experiential professor.
The book is it's alright. But I believe that students really need that real life experience. I'll give them, you know, real scenarios that I have experience and, like, okay. Write about it. Tell me how you would handle it. Like, I think working in sports is hands on. And so, you know, I did kind of a test if you will with my class and putting them in groups and found out that they actually ended up bonding overjust this thing. Like, they got to talk about what they're dealing with and going through. And it got to the point where I would start to see them come into class together. You know, they would talk. And, like, they became friends. They were not friends before class started, but they left as friends and as a unit, a little small unit, it's like three of them. But they left, you know, being able to say, oh, I text so so this weekend and, you know, we we we chatted about what we're, you know, what we we will get coming up next week and you know, just kinda balancing it all and we're gonna go to the library together and, you know, so I could see it coming together. And I'm like, this is what I'm talking about. This right here, they need to have just some sort of pod, some sort of community to feel as though I'm not alone. And so that is my mission right now. I still work in sports. I still do events and operations and all of the fun things that people like to clap about. It's okay. This is right here is purpose work. This is what matters most to me right now in this season.

Victoria Volk: And thank you for bringing that up. The purpose piece, because I do wanna talk about that because one of the things that gives you hope for the future is seeing other people

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Find purpose in their pain. And one of the things I was thinking about as I was preparing for our conversation was I talked to a lot of grieving guests just in the work that I do too, but like you and I, I phone purpose in my pain. I was just thinking about how there's can be this pressure for grievers to find purpose in their pain. Like this like, it's the next thing I have to do in order to feel better. Right? But the thought came to my mind was perhaps as we work through our grief and we're sitting in our suffering, maybe the purpose naturally evolves, naturally just shows up for us. But what are your thoughts for those listening who feel like they've been waiting for their purpose to be illuminated, and it hasn't happened for them? Because I can say for me, and I was reflecting as I was writing this question out, and I was just like, well, it took me thirty years. I never thought I'd find purpose in my pain. It honestly Mhmm. My dad passed away. I was eight. I didn't find my purpose or really feel like I was living my purpose until, well, six years ago.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah. I

Victoria Volk: mean, thirty plus years, thirty five years. Yes. So for people who it's maybe been five or ten years, and they're still like, well, what does this experience mean for me? They're still asking themselves that question.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: A question.

Victoria Volk: Yeah. What what do you wanna say to that?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah. And I get the I get that question a lot too from my clients. You know? They're like, alright. Well, what does this all mean?
I mean, of course, we you and I we both ask ourselves that question. What I typically share and what I have found in just in my own personal journey to be true is that the purpose will not be revealed until your heart is prepared for the answer. Mhmm. And I say that because you could not have told me what I close my mother's casket that I would be doing this work. I don't care about nobody.
I mean, no. I want my mother. I want my father. So you couldn't have told me a right connection. It's just it's gonna be okay because one day you're gonna help people. No. No. And so I share that because sometimes we don't wanna hear that. Right? Especially right out the gate. We don't wanna hear that. Oh, it's gonna be okay and, you know, you're gonna help a lot You don't wanna hear that. Life still has to move, if you will, to eventually get you to the point where your heart is soft enough to be able to understand that that was the reason. Right? And we all know that everything happens for a reason, we hear that. But it's in these type of moments when you kinda put it to the wayside, but eventually, it does become true that there is some sort of reason. And it may not be as grand or as big as starting a nonprofit, becoming a therapist, doing things like that. You know, if you are able to encourage one person who is now walking in those shoes, then that could be considered purpose. Right? Because you are now on the other side.
You have gotten through what I like to call is the turmoil and the just the overwhelming despair that I can't get out of bed. I can't see, you know, day from night. Like, once you get through that part of it and you're able to have a conversation and share with someone else, who was down in that space. You know, that can be considered a purpose. But, yeah, I I honestly believe that we're not in a place to hear that there is going to be purpose to the pain and you're gonna do something great with this, perhaps, until your heart is ready for that.
And, you know, for me, it was ten years. You know, I reached a point where I literally became exhausted with you know, on angel anniversaries and birthdays and holidays being depressed. I still don't like holidays. It's still just that's kind of my one soft spot where I it does trigger me. I've gotten better. I think I finally did decor, like, two years ago, but I wouldn't I wouldn't my husband does the Christmas tree. I I refuse to do the Christmas tree because that was me and my mom's thing. So I won't do that. I'll let them do that. And they know I don't really like Christmas music because that is a trigger. But I say that that, you know, once you get through kind of the the overwhelming part of it, then you're eventually to a point where you can start to feel, you know, I'm starting to feel better. And so for me, a the ten year mark, for whatever reason, I just got tired, like physically, just frustrated with being upset, and I had to stop and think. Alright. What else is to this? Because I can't keep living like this, like, like, why? And, you know, it was really revealed to me that I needed to start celebrating that I was still here rather than focusing on that it'd been ten years that they're not. And so having that mindset shift is what really kinda started to turn the corner of being able to find purpose, if you will, in it all. Because now I can get from the negative side of it, the the hurtful and painful part of it and start to see the brighter side. Right? Brighter tomorrow. I got to start to see the other side of it. And so with that came the the nuances of, you know, just starting to do things that I would consider turning payment to purpose. So I hope that answered the question, but that is that is really kinda how I see it.

Victoria Volk: No. I love that. It's a very good answer, actually. What was the best advice that you ever received in your healing journey?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Best advice.

Victoria Volk: Or something that stuck with you that you learned. Maybe even learned about yourself, maybe even that has sustained you or was the thing that kept you to put one foot in front of the other?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I mean, big picture would be just wanting to make them proud. I'm still at this big age at that thirty eight. You know, I'm still striving, if you will, to make sure that I'm making them proud. So, you know, a lot of the moves that I make, if you will, or decisions and things that I, you know, want to do or accomplish, it's in that vein because I do believe they're my angels. I do believe that they're with me. And so The biggest thing for me is just to make sure that I am doing whatever I can to make them proud, to honor their legacy, to remember who they were, and not to forget ever, you know, the fabric of who I am because of them. I would say from advice perspective, honestly, it's just to not sugarcoat the story, and that's what I did in the beginning. Like I said, I I just not just now. But I would say within the last couple of years, I finally told the full story, like, including the suicide. I believe that part out. And I have discovered that there is relatability and vulnerability. That there is somebody who needs to hear and see that it got that bad. And, you know, gratefully, like I said, I survived it. But what are my tools and and how was I able to overcome and get through it so that the next person who may feel like they're reaching that point can see that I can overcome. And so I began to tell the story, the the full story without any hesitation or reservation of judgment or anything. And I think that that has what's really helped me to help people is to share the whole thing. You know, obviously, I I filter and feel, you know, when is it necessary. I don't go all in immediately, of course. But just listening to people, having a listening ear, and then just being able to share so that somebody else could see that, no, you can get through it too. So I would say those two just keeping an open heart of wanting to make my parents proud even in their absence and then just being honest and transparent really, you know, because you never know who's listening, who's watching, and who may be at their breaking point too. Well, and I was just I was thinking too

Victoria Volk: a lot when you were talking with the college students and things. It's like, even the college that my son goes to, there's a lot of international students. So they're going through if they're going through something really challenging, Mhmm. And they're an international student, like, they're feeling quite possibly feeling really isolated.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah.

Victoria Volk: So I love your mission statement or I love your I love that that's part of your mission because, you know, of course, I didn't have a college student till a couple years ago. But I've actually had well, yeah, he's been in college now a year and a half, but I told him I said, you know, for the students that are from out of state or whatever I said, see if they want to come here for visit, you know, come get some home cooking because otherwise they're stuck,

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: you know, literally stuck. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Yeah. So anyway, I I just thank you for your advocacy work. I think there's really something there because I I can see that there's probably a huge gap. In that Yeah.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I mean, I've got big vision for that right there. So that's something that I would love to be able to do, you know, for the students who can't go home for the holidays. Right? You know, maybe we can as an organization, can do a thanksgiving together or at the very least give them a gift card to be able to eat, you know, something like that. Yeah. I've never thought everything through, but those are the type of things that are on my mind. Because as as you know, playing a sport, sometimes you even have to play. You know, basketball season is still in. They may have they can't go home. You know, maybe as a team, they do something, but you gotta go back to your dorm room and you're by yourself. So those type of things that you're speaking of is exactly what this is about. You know? I'm trying In some way, to eliminate isolation, to eliminate the feelings of, it is just me and me only.

Victoria Volk: It's almost the flip side of, you know, there's organizations like adopt a grandparent or something like that. We're grand like, and the elderly that have no family

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yeah. Like,

Victoria Volk: can adopt somebody, you know, and I'd like to check-in on them and send them care packet

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: back at yeah. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: And then my colleague my son's college does that where you can sign up to send your child, like, care package, but it's like, okay. Well, what if the kid is doesn't have their parents. Right? Or my parents isn't involved in their life really or Right. Yeah. You know? So, yeah. Anyway, I think there's a there's a lot you can do there. Queen you on.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Thank you. Thank you.

Victoria Volk: What is there let me ask you this final question. Mhmm. What is your grief taught you?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I don't think I've ever been asked that. Oh, what has my grief taught me? Patience for one because everything takes time. And as much as I would love to rush the process, get through it, get to the other side. There is something to be learned along the way. You know, I have much compassion and empathy for people who are experienced it. I also have less of a tolerance for people who mistreat their parents and, you know, I I get it. We're in a age where there's boundaries and and all of those kind of things. But, you know, at the end of the day, I am one of the ones that will say, but there's still here. You know, I wish I could. And so, you know, I understand relationships are not always perfect. But, you know, I definitely advocate for try to have healthy relationships with your family and try to see them because you know not the day or the hour that they will be gone, and there is no going back. So,

Victoria Volk: like

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I said, as patients on one side, you know, advocacy on the other side for, you know, men in relationships and things. And then I would just say, just loving on people, really. I'm sharing these stories with my daughter. You know, she obviously had never met my parents. You know, I do the best that I can to keep their legacy live. I actually I think, numbers this year, my stepmother found old videos. And that was a lot to endure, you know. But, yeah, I there's a company that will convert old home videos into digital format, and I was actually able to see it here by dad's voice. For the first time in twenty five years, you know, and that was wild. I still haven't looked watched all of them yet. But, you know, just keep memories alive, you know, as best as you can, as much as you can. Yeah. I think those are kind of the biggest things that it's taught me.

Victoria Volk: Is there anything that you would like to share that you didn't feel you got to?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: I think I won't say I didn't share it, but I I kinda drove over it, if you will, that in spite of what it feels like and in spite of what it looks like at this moment, I promise you can and you will get through the pain of the loss and still live a good life. I know at times it doesn't seem like that. At times, you know, you may feel like your head is barely above water, but trust and belief that as long as you Hold on to the memories, of course. But also love yourself enough to know that you're still here. That means you still have purpose. That means you still have something to contribute. To this big old world that we're in. And so your loved one that you're missing is cheering you on and they want you to go and do and be this best person that you can until you get to see them again. And so I just wanna remind whomever may be listening or watching this that life is to be lived, you know, not merely just surviving. You know, you can have all these big goals and dreams, and that's fine. But also remember that you deserve to have purpose. You deserve to smile. You deserve to have good days even in spite of the loss. And triggers may come and memories may come up and bring up feelings. But just know that you know, you deserve to live, you deserve to have a good life in spite of the loss.

Victoria Volk: It's a beautiful way to wrap up. Today's episode. Thank you so much.

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

Victoria Volk: And where can people find you if they'd like to connect and learn more about your work?

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: Yes. So I am on Instagram, and my website is both Kanisha and Michelle. That's in as a Nancy, not Michelle, but Michelle. Yeah.

Victoria Volk: Alright. I will link to that in the show notes. And, yeah, thank you so much for being here today and sharing

Kenisha Brown-Alexander: your screen. Not a problem. Thank you. Greatful to do it.

Victoria Volk: And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.