Grieving Voices
Grieving Voices
Holiday Grief Series | How To Deal With Estrangement
In the first episode of a four-part series on holiday grief, I discuss estrangement and its impact during the holiday season.
Estrangement, a form of alienation within families, can arise from conflicts over values or unresolved trauma and affects relationships between parents, children, grandparents, siblings, and even extended family members. It often stems from disputes over values, lifestyles, past trauma, or unresolved issues.
The holiday season is typically seen as a time for joy and togetherness with loved ones. However, for those experiencing estrangement, it can heighten feelings of loneliness and guilt. Societal pressure to maintain traditions doesn't help when your familial bonds are strained or broken.
I offered several strategies to manage these challenges and share some of my journey. I hope to show healing is possible beyond inherited narratives.
I encourage you to explore the truths about family stories passed down through generations. Reconciliation might be an option worth considering if circumstances allow it. Remember, there’s communal support available as we navigate this path together. Please share this episode with anyone who could benefit from our discussion on grief throughout the holiday series.
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Victoria Volk: Welcome to today's episode of Grieving Voices, where I will explore the complexities of family relationships and the challenges many face during the holiday season. Today, we're exploring estrangement and its effects on individuals and families during this time of year. Whether you're an estrangement, an adult child or someone who has distanced themselves from family for various reasons. I hope to provide insights and support for navigating these difficult moments. But first, let's start to understand estrangement. We need to define it. According to Webster's or Wikipedia, estrangement is the state of being alienated or separated in feeling or affection. A state of hostility or unfriendlyness, the state of being separated or removed. Going deeper, estrangement can take many forms and it's essential to recognize the various types of relationships that can be impacted. For example, a parent or child. A parent child estrangement. This is when adult children choose to cut ties with their parents due to conflicts over values, lifestyle choices, or past trauma. Another type of strange relationship is a sibling estrangement. Siblings may drift apart due to rivalry, differing life paths, or unresolved childhood issues. Grandparent grandchild estrangement is another type. Sometimes grandparents find themselves estranged from their grandchildren often due to parental decisions or family conflicts. And finally, extended family estrangement. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and more can also be affected, especially in families with deep rooted issues or disagreements. Understanding the type of estrangement you're experiencing can help you find the right coping approach, especially during the holidays when emotions run high. And now that I've shared some examples of estrangement, let's move on to the challenges of estrangement during the holidays. The holiday season is often portrayed as a time for family gatherings, joy, and togetherness. However, for those experiencing estrangement, it can be a painful reminder of what's missing. Some common challenges include feelings of loneliness. The absence of family can lead to profound feelings of isolation, especially when social media showcases happy family moments. Gilt and shame, estranged individuals may struggle with guilt over their estrangement questioning their decisions or feeling like they've failed their fam familial roles. Also triggers from past trauma. Holidays can evoke memories of past conflicts or traumas making it difficult to find peace during these times. And there can also be a pressure to conform. There can be this societal pressure to maintain family traditions, even when they're no longer healthy or enjoyable. So up to this point, you've learned what estrangement is, examples of estrangement, and the challenges of estrangement during the holidays. So what do you do about it? How do you manage the emotions and complexities of family dynamics with estrangement? This brings us to strategies for support during the holidays. How can individuals support themselves during this challenging time? Here are some strategies. One, acknowledge your feelings. It's important to validate your feelings of sadness, anger, or loss. The moment you feel all the feelings building up in you, it's an opportunity to stuff or an opportunity to unload. And you already know which I'll say is healthier. By unloading, I don't mean lashing out of a fit and fit of rage at those provoking the uncomfortable feelings. Instead, unload bikes pressing in a way that does not hurt or harm another person. Screaming into a pillow, journaling or talking to a friend can help process these emotions. And if you're in a place you can't process at that moment, consciously and with awareness, Tell yourself that although you can't express in real time, you'll park those feelings until you can address them later and then actually revisit those feelings later and do something to feel and process them. Two, create new traditions. Consider starting new holiday traditions that align more with your current situation. This could be spending time with friends, volunteering, or even enjoying a quiet day at home. Three, set boundaries. If you're in contact with estranged family members, consider establishing clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Four, seek support. Joining support groups are connecting with others in a similar situation can provide a sense of community and understanding. Five, practice self care. Make time for activities that bring you joy in relaxation such as reading, exercising, or indulging in a favorite hobby. And six, consider professional help. If feelings of estrangement become overwhelming, speak with a therapist, counselor, someone like myself, a certified grief specialist who can provide valuable coping tools. In conclusion, estrangement during the holidays can be challenging. But remember, you're not alone. Many people navigate similar experiences and resources are available to help you through. Whether you focus on self care, create new traditions, or seek support, or prior prioritizing your emotional health. All of these can contribute to healthier, happier holiday experience. And I will personally say that I experience estrangement. There is estrangement within my own family. And it is difficult and it has been difficult over the years. I was also estranged from my father's immediate side of the family after he passed away when I was eight. They were no longer in my life. And until almost thirty years later, I hadn't even seen my uncle who was very close to my father or my cousins. And that was very healing for me. You see, sometimes we can get passed down these stories or beliefs that we take on as our own because they're passed down to us, but we can always choose to write a new story. We can always choose to find a new truth for ourselves. And that's maybe the challenge today. As if you are experiencing estrangement, there is a time for boundaries, but there might be also a time for reconciliation. Depending on how that estrangement came about. It's very nuanced. I understand that. But just remember that people share from their lens and perspective, whether it was your parents or your grandparents, I passed down stories. That was their truth. So maybe this holiday season, ask yourself. What is my truth? What do I want to be true for me? I thank you for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might benefit. And don't forget to subscribe for more discussions on grief during the holidays as I'll be continuing this series for three more episodes throughout December. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
