Grieving Voices
Grieving Voices
Is There a Wrong Way To Grieve?
Inspired by recent discussions, this episode offers a new perspective that's been noodling around in my mind. In this week's episode, I explore the question: Is there a wrong way to grieve?
Key Points:
Societal Struggles with Grief: Despite popular belief that all grieving methods are valid, society often fails at effective coping—indicating a need to reevaluate our grief practices.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms: People frequently turn to short-term harmful behaviors like substance abuse, gambling, or workaholism as an escape from grief rather than confronting their emotions head-on.
Cultural Responses to Grief: Common advice such as "be strong" or "stay busy" reflects societal discomfort with grief rather than offering real support for healthy emotional processing.
Impact on Children: These unhealthy responses are often learned in childhood and perpetuate ineffective grieving cycles; teaching children healthier mechanisms is crucial for breaking these patterns.
Rethinking Language: Instead of saying there's no wrong way to grieve, acknowledging that better ways can be more constructive in framing our approach toward grief.
This episode challenges listeners to reflect deeply on their own experiences with loss while encouraging a transformative shift towards healthier approaches to dealing with grief—for individual growth and the betterment of society.
RESOURCES:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
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Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to this solo episode of Greeting Voices. And when I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, It's something that's kind of come up quite a bit in conversations lately, and it was the topic of my latest newsletter, the unleashed letters, which comes out every other Wednesday. There is a link in the show notes if you're interested after hearing this episode because this is the kind of content that I often share in the newsletter, just a variety of different topics, things that or maybe on my mind at the time or conversations I've been having, just inspirations and nuggets and things that I'm kind of discerning for myself and and learning and and whatnot. But anyway, today, I don't wanna talk about this idea that the question really, is there a wrong way to grieve? In a recent podcast guesting interview that I had with Leslie Draffin, she's the host of the light within podcast. I made a statement that had stopped me after the words left my mouth. But in that moment, they felt like truth and still do. I made mention that we're fed this crap of how there's no wrong way to grieve. And I'm pretty positive that even I have said such a statement at one time or another However, what struck me after I said it was how much sense it doesn't make to me because if there's no wrong way to grieve, then why are we struggling so much as a society with grief in general? If we knew a better way to grieve, people wouldn't continue to turn to germs, short term energy relieving behaviors like gambling or porn or sex or substances shopping, workaholism, exercise, food, romance, fantasy, all of these things in an effort to feel better rather than actually feel and sit with the hard feelings. So as a society, if there was no air quote wrong way to grieve, then we'd be doing it better, where we wouldn't tell people or ourselves that they should get over it and replace the loss and not feel bad and time will heal and just to keep busy, These are the things that are said and done in response to grief more commonly than not. So are these things really the right way air quote to grieve? If your child were to succumb to alcohol use? After a devastating break up, would you tell them that they're grieving in a healthy way, a way that is air quote right and will move them forward? Or would you feel and know that they're grieving in an unhealthy way and that there is better, more productive, and healthy way. Any logical adult with a fully formed frontal lobe would agree that there is a better way to deal with a breakup than getting drunk and losing all sense of self agency. I am speaking from experience by the way as being someone who succumb to alcohol abuse following a devastating breakup, but perhaps it's the language we need to change. Rather than making the statement, there's no wrong way to grieve. We should make a more honest statement and instead say, there's a better way to grieve. You see, words matter. And I've come to the belief that until as a society, We recognize all the unhealthy ways we are grieving, things that we would deem as negative or, quote, unhealthy. This misinformation will continue to perpetuate the ongoing, unhealthy responses to grief that we learn as children. And my mission is to change that so that our children can grow up learning healthier ways to cope. I do feel like there's been progress, but the statement that there's no wrong way to grieve, I think is part of the problem. And I hope that just in this very brief episode that I've illustrated well enough why I believe that to be true. The myths of grief are still alive and well and how we're responding to grief. Don't feel bad, replace the loss, grief alone, time heals, keep busy, and stay strong. Think back to your own experiences growing up and how you were taught to respond to grief. Were difficult emotions and experiences swept under the rug and not talked about? Were you told to go cry in your room if you wanted to cry? In other words, grieve alone? Have you been told that there are plenty of fish in the sea or they're in a better place, God needed another angel? All of these are unhelpful and can be hurtful to a griever. And yet statements like these is what caused so many of us to grieve alone. Is that wrong? Or is it instead that we just don't know a better way? We can do better. For ourselves and for the generations behind us. But for things to change, we need trailblazers to go first. And in my family, I've been the trailblazer. The question is, Will you be the trailblazer in yours? Until next time, with so much love and light, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
