Katie Carroll | The Best Things in Life Aren't Planned

Katie Carroll had her life mapped out from the time she was a little girl. She knew, from a young age, that she wanted to be a mother one day. However, as she found success in every other area of her life, there was one area of her life that hinged on her desire to be a mother.

She was busy in her career as a pediatric ER traveling nurse, had been dating, and all the while, looking for the one who would complete her life and be the father of her children. However, love wasn't coming easily to her and by the time she was 36, she found herself in the deepest depression of her life and suffering from burnout from her life.

She had a lot of grief of what she wished would've been different, better, and more, and the grief of the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations for what she thought her life was going to look like by the time she was 40.

As Katie found out, and you will also hear in this episode, the best things in life aren't planned. And boy, do I have my own truth around this, too.

Katie shared in this week's episode, "If you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans."

We have free will, yes. But we get ourselves so wrapped around the axel of life when we try to plan every detail of our lives. Where is there room to be delighted and surprised, when we have so many expectations of what we want to happen?

Listen to this week's episode and be inspired to see what's already in front of you and perhaps to also allow yourself to be delighted and surprised by life's unexpected gifts.
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Transcript

Victoria Volk  0:08  
This is Victoria of the Unleashedheart.com and you're listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss as a 30 plus year griever and advanced Grief Recovery methods specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate grievers and non grievers alike, spread hope and inspire compassion toward those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours and this platform, grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather? Let's get started. It's another episode of grieving voices. And today my guest is Katie Carroll. She is the coach in scrubs. And she has been helping people heal from what ails them as a pediatric nurse for the last 21 years. And she is now helping single women learn how to love themselves exactly as they are today so that they can move forward in the direction of their dreams and hopes and goals. Katie is extremely passionate about empowering and educating women on learning how to fill their cups, so that they can not only pour into others, but so that they can also reap the benefits of having enough in their crops to pour into themselves. When she's not working 12 hour nursing shift are working in her life coaching business, Katie can be found spending time with her fiancé and playing cars, trucks and transformers with her beloved three nephews. Thank you for being here, coach and scrubs.

Katie Carroll  1:47  
Oh, thank you, Victoria. Thank you for that beautiful intro. It like gave me chills, like just like hearing someone else say it is like that is me.

Victoria Volk  1:54  
No it's beautiful. So what brings you to be the coach and scrubs? So let's start there.

Katie Carroll  2:01  
Yeah, that's a great question. So I've always loved helping people. And I am the firstborn, I have two younger brothers. And I started babysitting at the age of like 12. And I volunteered in high school at Children's specialized hospital. And I've always been in that caregiver role. And so like you said, I've been a nurse for over 21 years now and pediatric nursing, and probably about the first 15 years of my career, I didn't realize that, if I don't take care of myself, then I'm no good to others around me. Because in nursing, and I always say this, when I'm speaking to nurses is that, you know, we dive headfirst into the deep end. You know, we go to nursing school, we study, we take the boards, we apply for a job, and then we jump right in, like we're so excited to have that title of nurse and help. But we don't realize that all of a sudden, it's now years later. And we have forgotten about ourselves. We have forgotten to take care of ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally. And so I found myself in the deepest burnout and depression of my life about six, seven years ago while working in the pediatric emergency room. And funny enough, I went back to school to become a certified health coach, because on the outside, I just wanted to help more people. But that's the hamster wheel that I was on was that let me go do something else to help more people and get another certification almost like something of worthiness so that I could help more people. But what I realized was that I actually went back for myself that I needed to learn how to help myself, Mind Body Spirit. And so when I started my business as a health coach, I call myself coach in scrubs because I thought it was cute being a nurse and coaching people and so it has stuck and here I am now you know still working full time as a pediatric nurse and also building my life coaching business on the side.

Victoria Volk  4:19  
I love that are most of your clients then other people in healthcare?

Katie Carroll  4:24  
You know, it's funny that you say that Victoria I've had, I did a group coaching program where about half of them were nurses, but out of my one to one clients, none of them have been nurses. So it's interesting that I do speak to a lot of nurses and I thrive in that community. But my clients, they've been all women and some have worked in health care in some fashion, but most of them were not in healthcare at all,

Victoria Volk  5:00  
I've saw an ad not that long ago, I'm talking about because nurses, doctors, physicians, people in health care are just like everybody else, and are prone to the same risks and behaviors as everybody else, like addiction with alcohol and opioids and things like that. So I'm interested in learning your perspective on is, is it the burnout that leads to these things you think, you know, like, because in Grief Recovery, we talk about Serbs and like, addictions, can be a sturb, in order to we resort to these things to feel better for a short period of time. But of course, they don't make us feel better. They make us feel shame, falling guilt and all these things after. And so it perpetuates the cycle of repetition, right. So yeah, what are your what is your perspective on that?

Katie Carroll  5:48  
Yeah, I love that question, Victoria, because I've been speaking more about burnout as well. And you know, when I first started talking about the addictions that may be, can happen, I was embarrassed to talk about all of the wine that I used to drink a lot of wine. And I think I was embarrassed because you feel like you're showing something to the world. And people may think that then you are less than or judge you or shame you. But what I have realized is that we are more alike than we are different and that other people are suffering. So when I do speak about it, now, I know that it could help one other person. And for me, I've never been a big drinker. Like, that's always been the joke, you know, and I never liked beer, I always drank, you know, like a mixed drink at a party. And I always like to be in control. But when I was going through my deepest burnout, and depression, I was living alone, in my one bedroom apartment, and I was single. And I know that we have talked about this before, that my story was that I always thought my life was going to look different. I always thought I was going to be married with a bunch of kids. By the time I was 3536 years old. I actually mapped it out when we were in nursing school, we did a vision, you know, exercise where we saw ourselves. And I've seen myself as a mom, since I was a little girl. And when that wasn't happening, I fell deeper into my depression. But the way I coped was drinking, and I found myself going to the liquor store multiple times during the week to get a bottle of wine or two, and I would come home from my nursing shift. And it's kind of like a joke in the nursing world, or even healthcare, I mean, even seen on shows like Grey's Anatomy, they all go to the bar at the end of their shift, and they have a drink, and they talk about the day. And I would walk into my apartment, and I would pour myself a glass of wine, like it was my it was my gift to myself, for taking care of people for 12 and a half hours. And I would limit myself to two glasses because I didn't want to have a headache the next day, but I usually did. But if I didn't work the next day, maybe I had three glasses. And I found that on the days when I wasn't working. And I was just out running my errands and doing my things and going into the gym and doing laundry, I poured myself a glass of wine around five o'clock or six o'clock as I was getting ready for dinner. And looking back now I realized that that was my way to numb out from the stress of the job. But at the same time, the disappointment in my life. And so I was able to just numb out, drink some wine, watch some TV and not be present with what was actually going on in my life and what I could possibly do to start to change things and better myself. And so as I have shared my story more I have had other nurses and health care providers open up about similar addictions and whether it's like you said it could be alcohol, drugs, it could be sex, it could be spending money, you know, just go into the store spending money to feel better in the moment. It could be gambling, you know, but it we find ways to numb out so that we don't have to deal with the pain of what we see and smell and hear and do in our daily jobs.

Victoria Volk  9:29  
I'm so glad that this came up because I think it's in the culture. It's embedded in the culture this there is a wine culture, right and even with moms, the mom wine culture, yes. It's so because motherhood is can be can burn you out too. You know, if you're not taking care of yourself if you're not filling your cup, right. And that's that was me. That was me too. You know, I bought a bunch of hats at one time and I had no balance in my life and I was burning out as well. And really, the underlying current was grief, unprocessed and undealt. With grief. Yeah. So can you share about more about your, and, you know, this vision that you had for yourself and how that's transformed and changed over time?

Katie Carroll  10:22  
Yeah, you know, I feel like okay, you know, get the tissues for myself, because I know, you know, but when I share it, I love sharing my story now, because I know it will help people. But like, first and foremost, it has helped me to share my story. And when you just said like, the undercurrent was grief. That is, so what I was living in. So when I was a little girl, I used to play this game with my mom, where I would walk into the kitchen with one of my doll babies, and I was maybe 567 years old. And we played this game where she would call me Mary, I don't even know where that name came from. And I would walk into the kitchen, and she would say, Mary, how are you? I haven't seen you in years. And we were like, friends, and she would say, How many children do you have now? And I would have one or two or three dolls with me. And I would say I just had my third. And she would say, Oh, my goodness, I have three children, what are their names. And this went on for a couple years. And I was two years old when my first brother was born. And then I was six years old when my second brother was born. And when my second brother was born, I would carry him around the house, like he was one of my dolls. And I had younger cousins. And so I was always kind of playing with the kids. And then like I said, I started babysitting at age 12. And I just always pictured myself as a mom. And I would hear people say you're going to be a great mom, you know? And and I would say yes, I know. And I can't wait for that day. And so I went to nursing school. And like I said, we did a vision exercise at the end of our last year, a couple weeks before graduation, and it said, where do you picture yourself in five years, and I immediately wrote it out. I'm 27 years old. I'm a pediatric nurse practitioner at the Children's Hospital in Philadelphia, and I'm married with twins boom. I mean, there was no question in my mind, Victoria, that that was going to be the life that I was going to lead. I had no idea that believing that that was my path. I was also believing that if it didn't happen, then something must be wrong. I never thought that it would look any different. And so I went into my 20s. And I, you know, I lived with a friend and I did all the things and I went out and had great times. But I was constantly thinking, when is it going to happen? When is it going to happen? And if I would meet a guy and go on a date, in my head, I immediately put my name with his last name, I immediately thought, is this going to work? Does he want kids, you know, and I'm sure I pushed away so many men because of that, or even sabotage relationships because of that. And as I turned 30 years old, and I was very single, and I was a traveling nurse. And I traveled to Philadelphia. Funny enough, I was a traveling nurse at CHOP at 30 years old, but I was single with no kids. And then I traveled to San Diego and then to Boston and then back to New Jersey. And I feel like I was like looking for my husband, I was looking for that answer. And as I turned 30 and then 3132 3334, I was the maid of honor in a bunch of weddings. I was named godmother to some of my best friends, children. My younger brothers were getting married, having kids, and everybody would say, you know, your time will come. But I knew that getting older, for me for having a child that that clock was ticking. And when I was, I guess it was around 36 years old, 37 years old. And that's when I fell into my deepest depression was that I would lay my head on the pillow at night and cry because I actually pictured my own week.

And I pictured myself really old like I'm like, Oh girl, you're gonna live a long time, like, you know, 90 years old, but I pictured people peering into my coffin and whispering about me saying things like, Did she ever get married? Did she ever have children? Does she have family here? And in those moments, I related, not ever getting married, not ever having children with an unworthy life, and that I would have spent all this time here and then never made an impact. Never left a legacy. And so when I think about those times, I think that you know, I had no idea of how to get out of how I was thinking, I was so deep in it. And the burnout was real. And I said I was burnt out at work. But I was really burnt out in my life and drinking and spending money, but still saying yes to everybody. And being a people pleaser, because I was working so hard so that people wouldn't realize that on the inside, my soul was slowly dying, I was in the best physical shape of my life. And people would say, you're in amazing shape. You have great arms, you have great legs, you know, all of those things. I worked out three, four days a week, every week for years, because I was protecting the inside, unbeknownst to me, that maybe if I looked perfect on the outside, that nobody would know, on the inside the mess that was happening in my heart, in my mind. And when I look back to that time, Victoria, I don't, I don't know how I knew how to move forward, I just know that I had an incident while working in the pediatric emergency room with one of my patients where he tried to harm himself under my watch. And my clock, and I something that night in may just broke. And I remember saying to my mom, three words, that I'll never forget, I said, I don't care, I don't care. If I get in trouble at work, I don't care. You know, my patient was fine and safe. But all the other things I just didn't care about. I don't care if I get in trouble if my boss yells at me if I lose my job. And my mom said to me that night, Kate, this doesn't sound like you. And this hasn't sounded like you in a really long time, something has to change within you. Because I was looking at the outside world to change. I wanted people to change around me, I wanted work to change my co workers, my patients, I wanted Mr. Right to walk into my life. And it was in that moment, that I just started to realize that I needed to start taking some responsibility for myself and my actions, and my happiness if I wanted to start living. Because I felt like I wasn't living, I was waiting, I was waiting for so long for all these things to show up. And I was missing out on the things that were happening in my life. And so that kind of started my journey of learning how to love myself, and learning how to show up for myself and truly learning how to fill up my cup so that I could show up for myself and this world. In all of the ways that I was meant to.

Victoria Volk  17:49  
Sending you a hug, you move me to tears, I just felt your pain in your words. And they say that there's something called I had a podcast guest not that long ago, she had lost her child after birth, within hours. And she said she'd wake up in the middle of the night with empty arms syndrome. And it just made me think of what you share like this, this empty arm syndrome that just doesn't go away that you never got to experience. And I'm gonna I'm gonna ask a question that maybe a lot of listeners may be wondering, had you ever considered just being a single mom and finding a way for that for yourself?

Katie Carroll  18:33  
Do you know? That's a great question, Victoria, because a lot of people have asked me over the years, I was dating someone between like 33 and 35 years old, who I thought I would marry and have kids with, even though you know, there were some things in the relationship, you know, that I wasn't sure. But it was one of those like, well, you know, we're at the age and we talked about it, but some, you know, family situations happened for his family. And, you know, ultimately we ended up breaking up when I was when we were 35 years old, were the same age. And you know, people started saying then why don't you freeze your eggs? Why don't you or think about being a single mom. And for me, I was still holding on to that dream that it would be with a man that I would meet someone and that it would happen. And then I started dating someone else when I was just turning 40 Almost 3939 Almost 40 But he was much older than me. So we I wasn't sure again, if that would happen. But you know, we loved each other and cared about each other and we're kind of moving maybe towards that and maybe doing some type of fertility but again, it didn't get to that point. And we ended our relationship. So then I found myself at 42 Totally single and you know wondering should I should I do the thing should I go and you know, do the fertility on my own. And actually, I have two women in my life who did it on their own, who are about my age, and one of them has two children on her own, and the other one has one child on her own. And I started weighing the do I want to go through all of that myself and do all of the medications and the treatments. And, you know, I respect everybody's opinion, and belief on this. And my personal belief was that I didn't want to take all of that medication and do all of the medication. And so then that was kind of the answer, well, then it's not going to happen, if you're not going to do it that way. And also, the money to be put into it, I didn't have the money to put into it, although I know, people say that you can find a way. And so you know, I, I was in this place of, well, I don't know, then if it'll happen. And you know, people will say to you, like, Oh, my aunt got married when she was 45. And they had two kids after you know, and maybe they did fertility or maybe not. And so, you know, for me feeling like I was on this quest for my worthiness or my purpose in this world. You know, during those years, my first nephew was born, I feel like I could cry again. But my first nephew was born five and a half years ago. And it's like, when he was placed in my arms, I'm like, Oh, this is, this is what it's all about, you know, I knew I would love him. You know, I just never knew how much and so that started helping me realize that, like, you know what, I can still have an impact in this world and love and share my love and fill my arms, like you said, with my nephews. And then my second nephew was born three years ago, and my third one was born two years ago. And through them, I have found such a purpose with, you know, sharing the love, because I think that's what it is Victoria, too, is that I knew I had so much love in me, that it hurt, not to give it out to people. I mean, I give it to my family and my friends, but like, to really just pour it out, you know. And I found through my nephews, I'm able to, like, pour so much love, you know, into them and think about, you know, their lives and their futures and just being a part of it. And then, you know, almost two years ago, I rejoined match.com, at the advice of a friend, when I had sworn I would never, ever do it again, because I did it for years, I went on a lot of dates, I dated a lot of guys, there was there was some good, there was a lot of bad. There was, you know, feeling not good enough. And people judge you by your picture and your age. And you know, I had sworn to never ever do it again. And I hadn't done it in years. And one of my co workers said just try, just try. And I joined on a Friday night. And the next day, there was an email from a guy named Peter. And we started emailing that day, that Saturday, and he called me the next day Sunday. And he picked me up on Tuesday for our first date. And that was it. And we moved in together April 1 2020, the beginning of a pandemic, which was a great time to have a nurse move in with you. And we got engaged in November in Aruba. And we're getting married next month, August 6, our two year anniversary of going on our first date.

Victoria Volk  23:55  
Oh, just chill bumps.

Katie Carroll  23:59  
I'm sorry for the crying, but I feel like it's just, you know, coming out, everything's coming out. And it's just, you know, it's when people say like, you know, maybe that wasn't your time. You don't want to hear that during that time. I didn't want to hear that I didn't want to hear people's stories about their aunt that met someone when they were 45 and had kids because I thought but my story was supposed to be different. And when I started my coaching, I wasn't sure who I truly want to help her how I want to help them but in helping single women, which is part of what I do is that, you know, there may be someone out there in this world who shares a similar story. And I'm so happy that I had the support around me. And the you know, maybe the incident in the emergency room that was kind of like my awakening of starting to make small changes in my life. and ultimately never giving up hope, even though there were some really, really dark times, because with the birth of my nephews, and then meeting Peter, you know, people are still asking me Are you guys going to have kids, you know, and I'm 44 years old now, he's 52. And I can honestly tell you, Victoria that if it happens, it happens that we have talked about it, and we will be fine with it and overjoyed, but if it doesn't happen, I'm okay with that. Because I know that my purpose and my worth really isn't tied to me birthing a child, and that there's so much in this life to be thankful for, and that I'm so you know, lucky, and feel so grateful that I have, I have both my parents, I have my siblings, my sisters in law, my nephews, my fiancé, and we are just so excited to share our life together, and do all of the things that I always dreamed about doing with that person. You know, and it didn't happen in the timing that I thought it would. But if we had met 20 years ago, who knows what would have happened, or if we'd met 10 years ago, or even, you know, five years ago, that it was truly All in due timing. And, you know, they always say like, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. I mean, he was probably thinking, Katie, I know, I know, you want this, but you know, some things have to happen first, and I want you to learn this lesson or that lesson, and it will come you know, and I always say like, Peter was worth the weight. I mean, he was so worth the weight every, every day, I pull into my driveway, and I smile, when I just know, I'm going to walk into the house and see him and you know, now it's almost, I'll never forget my life at all and all of those years, but it's it's a gift to be able to look back at that version of me that was trying so hard. And I love her and I want to send her love and just say like you were doing, like the best that you could at that time. And thank you for staying strong, because I wouldn't be here today, if that version of me didn't stay strong.

Victoria Volk  27:18  
What comes across in your words is gratitude. I just feel it is so much gratitude. And I think as a mother, and I've birth three children, you take it for granted. Like in there was a point in my life, my early 20s. I didn't want kids. Like I actually said that I didn't want kids. I think because my experience growing up, I thought it was a cruel world. And I didn't trust. I didn't have trust. And I thought, Gosh, I don't want to bring a child into this, you know, this misery. In a way, you know, but you know, when you meet someone too, that flips your life upside down in a positive way. And you have moments that awaken you, right and change the trajectory of your life, things change. And that's what happened for me too. But what were some of the unhelpful or hurtful things that you heard during that time? Imagine there was a lot. 

Katie Carroll  28:16  
There was you know, I heard a lot that it just wasn't my time yet. And that, you know, that hurts because it's it seemed to be happening happening for everybody else. You know, and so when it's not happening for you, but you look around at your siblings, and it's happening for them, and their younger, it's happening for my best friends that I've been best friends with since sixth grade. And all around the same time, actually, three of my very best friends from sixth grade, got married within five weeks of each other. It was just about five weeks, three of my very best friends I would I was the maid of honor in two of the weddings. And in all the wedding parties, and within five weeks, you know, they all got mad. I mean, it was like talk about you know, the bridal showers in the bachelorettes and then the weddings I mean it was boom, boom, boom, you know and so I feel like every birthday I would here this is going to be the year you know people say that this is going to be the year I feel it. Good things are gonna happen and you want to feel that way right like another year. This is gonna be great. And then when it didn't happen, it was this unbelievable like disappointment and also feeling like what am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me and I think that was probably the biggest thing Victoria was that what is wrong with me? You know, I feel like at the core I am a good human being. I'm a pediatric nurse. I'm I'm a good person. I was always a good student. And that was the other thing right? Like doing all the right things like I was an a B student in high school, I was very good. I'm such a rule follower. You know, I, I applied to nine colleges. And I got into all nine, you know, and my, my father was just telling someone the story the other day, and I went to a great nursing school and I graduated, and I pass the board's on my first attempt, and I got the first job I interviewed for. And I felt like I was doing everything right. And I think then you sit there, I would sit there and think like, well, there must be something like, I must definitely it must be, I must not be pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough or funny enough, like, there has to be something wrong, because it happens for the majority of people. And so I think, you know, I don't know what people could have said to make it better. But I know that, you know, saying, well, it's not your time, or, I mean, some people would say, you know, very brazen to say, maybe that's not your path, you know, every once in a while someone would say that. And I did not want to hear that, you know, and they would say like, look at your life, you have a beautiful life, you're healthy and well in great job and family and friends. But it's like, but but it's not enough is really what I wanted to say. But you'd never want to say that. Because you don't want people to think you're ungrateful. I have a friend who's my age. Well, she actually just turned 44. And she's single never married. No kids, she has a younger sister who's married with two kids. And she feels the same way about her niece and nephew that I feel about my nephews. But at her sister's baby shower, an aunt said to her, this must be really hard for you. And so even though I'm sure people don't mean to hurt your feelings, saying things that like, this must be really hard for you. Or, you know, I think one of the other things is, like you said, you know, my mom would run into a friend, or like one of my high school friends, moms, she would run into her, you know, over Christmas at church. And my mom would say, Oh, Mrs. So and so said, How's Katie? Has she found anyone special yet? And my mom would say no, you know, she hasn't, you know, so it was almost this pressure, like, not only do good in the world, and get a job and make money and be self sufficient, and take care of yourself and make everyone else around you happy. But like also, like, try to find that husband and try to have those kids in that house. And you know, so the pressure, I think that is put on us as a society, because that's just how it's been for years and years and years is that, you know, a man and woman I mean, in today's world, you know, everything is very different, beautiful, and who you know, man, man, woman, woman, whatever it may be. But that like a woman, her job was to, you know, find a partner, build a home, birth, the children take care of the children take care of the home, you know, and now many women work, you know, outside the home in the home, but still doing all those things. And if you're not, you're almost looked at like, Oh, what, you know, they want to almost say to you like, what's wrong, you know, and I actually one time I was working in the during that time during the peds emergency room years, and I was working with a male nurse who was per diem. Like, he wasn't full time with us. He was just there like every now and then. And I was approaching the nurse's station and his back was to me. And he was like, around my age, and he was married with kids. And he didn't know I was standing there. And I heard him say to someone else, what's up with Katie, man, she's hot. Like she's a nurse. Like she's got a good job. Like, she seems pretty smart. But like she's single, like, she's never married, like, doesn't have any kids like and then he said it What Is she crazy? So then that thought comes in your head? Like am I is I guess something's wrong with me mentally maybe there is something wrong, you know. And so all of these messages that are sent to us, left me feeling like it's definitely me, I've done something wrong, or I'm doing something wrong, and I'm not doing enough. And so at the end of the day, it's my fault that it's not happening.

Victoria Volk  34:26  
So was it the moment your nephew was born that the flip the switch flipped to understanding that really, it was self love that was missing for you? And and can you take us back to your childhood and where maybe that stems from?

Katie Carroll  34:42  
Yeah, that's a great question. Because I feel like you know, as an adult, I feel like I can look back to so many things and we may not think that it's affecting us now. You know, 44 years later, but Yes, with my nephews, my nephew Liam when he was born And he was born premature. He was five weeks early, and he was in the NICU for 25 days, but we were able to visit, you know, all the time, you know, I was saying when I was holding him and just looking down at his little face, you know, and the love I felt for him, I guess I started to realize, like, it was an extension of me. And like, truly an extension of me, this is my brother, Son, and the, I guess, like the way that I was able to show up for him. And my family, you know, and a lot of people would say, Katie, if you were married with kids, your relationship would be very different, probably with your nephews just in a different way. Because you would be, you know, in your world, with your kids and everything. And I do think about that, sometimes to that, you know, it still would have been very special, but different because I was able to step in as the aunt, you know, who doesn't have kids was able to babysit and do the things and be with them. And I think like you said, it was I started to realize that, you know, I, I hadn't been loving myself and I when I would look at his face, and think about like his life and being there for him. It was all of a sudden, like, I have to take care of myself so that I can be here for him and his life. You know, and then with the births of my second and third nephews, you know, wanting to be there, you know, for all of the wonderful moments in their life. And so when I think about my childhood, you know, and that's, it's hard Victoria, you know, because you think like, I had a great childhood, like, Thanks be to God, like, you know, I never had any trauma, like abuse, like in those regards. When you hear some people's stories, you know, like, my mom was a stay at home mom and my dad worked in the city, and he was home every night at 6pm for dinner. And, you know, we went, we lived in a great town, we went on vacations. But when I think about did I love myself, I guess I never thought about it like that. I thought I'm surrounded with love, so much love. But I don't think that I was loving myself. And I think and I've told this story a couple times when I talk about, you know, being a perfectionist and living that people pleaser life that my father, he used to yell a lot, especially at my brothers like I was rarely yelled at, but I think it was because I was like such a goody goody. And I don't know if that was like the firstborn, you know, but my brothers, I mean, their boys like I see it with my nephews. They were constantly wrestling and physical and everything. And my father would yell and when my father yelled, the house shook, and I cried. Meanwhile, I wasn't the one being yelled at. But I learned at an early age that I didn't want my dad to yell, like at me. So I tried really, really hard to be perfect. And the people pleaser to not upset him. And here I am at 44 years old, and I can honestly say that I still try to please my dad, he doesn't yell like he used to do, right. I mean, we're all adults now. I mean, but it's that thought that I don't want to upset him. And what if I upset him? Not that he'll yell, but maybe he'll say something, you know, will it hurt my feelings. And so I think that maybe I was working so hard on being perfect. That when you're working that hard on being perfect, like you're beating yourself up all the time, because like we all know, nobody's perfect and nothing is perfect. But when you're striving for it, and you're not hitting it, because it's not realistic, it's a constant knockdown of yourself, beating yourself up the negative self talk. So I realized now that I was living for decades striving for something that was not realistic never hitting it because I never was going to and in the process just beating myself up. You know, I remember putting out a post recently that said I was in an abusive relationship, dot dot dot. And of course, I got so many people's attention like what and I said with myself

Victoria Volk  39:19  
With yourself? Yeah, yeah. How many of us are right? Oh, such a good point. So did you do you see when you look back now, do you see how that kind of translated into your relationships with men?

Katie Carroll  39:31  
Yes, I totally do. Because I, I would, there were no boundaries with them. And, you know, I've like I said, you know, working as a nurse, I've worked three days a week for, you know, over 21 years. And so if I met a guy that lived, you know, 40 minutes from me 45 minutes, and we would maybe plan a dinner for Thursday night. I would always say I can drive. I can drive to your house. It's okay, I'm off tomorrow. I'm a nurse, you know, and I would constantly give them an out. And I remember one time my cousin saying to me, she's five years older, she's always been like a role model in my life. She said to me, why isn't he driving to you. And at the time, it was someone that lived in an area in Hoboken, he didn't have a car, he took the train everywhere. And I said, Well, he doesn't have a car, and it's okay. And my cousin said, he can take the train to where you live. And so I see now that I was constantly trying to please them, and even physically right thinking that, you know, if we have sex earlier than not, maybe he'll like me more. And then maybe I'll get closer to that goal of getting married and having the kids and then when it didn't work out, thinking, was it because I had sex too early was it because, you know, I didn't do X, Y, or Z, the constant beating myself up again, you know, not realizing that, you know, I only realized I should say that I am like, fully myself with Peter, when I met Peter, I think, because we met at a later stage in life, that, you know, we both came to the table with, this is me, this is who I am, you know, I was 42, he was 50. And this is who we are. And, you know, I liken it to I say, it's like the, you know, Ferris wheel at an amusement park. That's been going right. And like Peter and I jumped on, and I had 42 years under me, and he had 50 years, and we're like, let's see if we can make this work. We like being together, we're attracted to each other, like, you know, we have so much other stuff in our life, that it was almost, it was hard to not be who we are, you know, because this is me, this is who I am. This is what I do for a living. This is my family, you know, these are the things that are important to me. And then the same for him. And, you know, that's when I feel like you truly know you've met your person. When you feel like you you're not putting up any facades, you know, and, and it works, you know, and now when I look back to all those years of dating, I think I was not me. I mean, you know, even when someone says like, where do you want to go to dinner? And it was always it's wherever you want to go, right? Meanwhile, I'm like, Oh, I really want sushi or Italian or Indian food or something, you know. But when you meet that person that you're totally you know, yourself with, and it's like, where do you want to go to dinner? Do you want to go to talent, Italian, I'm not really feeling Italian tonight, you know, might be too heavy on my stomach, can we go do something else like sushi or Indian or you know, and you just find that you are being you. And then it's so easy. Because you're not trying to be somebody else. And when I look back to those times, like that's why I think it was so hard. And that's why I think I struggled and, you know, self sabotage and had so many disappointments, I had all these expectations. But I was like working so hard. You know, I wasn't being who I truly am. What truly made me happy. I was just on this mission. I was just on a path to meet a man and get married and have kids. So you know, I thought that was like the ultimate goal. I was on this in this race against time, you know? And then I met Peter and it was like, why does this seem so easy? Because I think and I don't know, if it's something that comes with age, you know, but we were both at points were like, This is me Take it or leave it. You know, I think I had built up my confidence also, in doing the work on myself, the years leading up to meeting him that I knew what I wouldn't stand for what I would stand for what made me happy. And I was already feeling fulfilled and with a purpose. With my nephews and my family and my life. I was feeling very, you know, worthy of my life and at peace. Yes, yes.

Victoria Volk  44:01  
Peace Peace inside peace out.

Katie Carroll  44:04  
Yes. Oh my gosh, victoria so much and that you know, you remind me of I was working with a life coach like around that time roughly and he would always say what do you want in this life and peace was my number one answer I wanted peace in my mind in my heart. I didn't know how to get there what it would look like but I knew that I was I was at unrest like I was at such a place of just feeling like disheveled on the inside like frantic and depressed and anxious you know and I wanted peace because I knew that would be the opposite of how I was feeling I you know living like that was an enjoyable and that's why you know again the numbing out you know the drinking, you know the spending money so that I didn't have to sit with the way I was feeling

Victoria Volk  44:54  
Emotional dis ease, huh? Yeah, that's what I saying Grief Recovery. Yeah, yes. and I, when you were talking about just coming to the table and being who you are, it's, it's being able to cut the BS, right? It's like, there's no, like you said, there's no pretending there's no facade there's, you're able to, to, to just be and speak your soul. Yeah. I love that. I love that too. So throughout your experience, what has given you the most joy and hope for your future?

Katie Carroll  45:34  
Hmm I feel like I could get emotional again thinking about it. Because it's, it's such a happy thought now, just living my life being grateful for the day to day like I said, when I pull into my driveway at night, and I smile, thinking I'm No, I know, I'm gonna walk in the house and see my fiance and when we go out to dinner, and just enjoy a good meal together. And when I see my family, and we just get to celebrate life together, and being with my nephews, and also being at work, I left the pediatric emergency room. And now I work in a pediatric same day surgery unit and knowing that I was put here for a purpose. And that purpose is to share my love and to spread my love. And that has looked like being a pediatric nurse for 21 years. And it has looked like being a daughter and a sister and an aunt and now fiance, and that at the end of the day, I feel whole and worthy and fulfilled knowing that I'm doing exactly what I was meant to do in this world, and it feels so right. It just pours out of me. It's who I am. And I'm able to, you know, go to bed at night feeling feeling peaceful feeling fulfilled, that I'm living the life that was always there. But I chose to look the other way for a really long time.

Victoria Volk  47:10  
I was gonna say, Don't you think it's kind of ironic that you chose peds?

Katie Carroll  47:14  
Yes.

Victoria Volk  47:16  
But peds chose you. And if think about it, like there's, I'm sure there's plenty of nurses who have children at home and or maybe you've been burned out at home. So then they come to work and they're burned out? And are you really able to serve those children then. And you're burned out at home. And so you bring a gift to those kids of really being able to be present with them. Yeah, because you don't have that burnout at home.

Katie Carroll  47:45  
Right? I never thought about it that way too. I love that. 

Victoria Volk  47:48  
So where can is there anything else you'd like to share?

Katie Carroll  47:51  
Oh, this is awesome Victoria, thank you. I just feel so grateful for you allowing me to share my story here and be me and be vulnerable. And you know, just I love to share the message that you are enough, you are born enough. You've always been enough. And now is the time to start believing it. That's what I say to my clients. So the world. And I feel like if we can start to embrace that a little bit each day, then the happiness that we're looking for in life, the piece will start to uncover itself because it's there.

Victoria Volk  48:29  
I love that. Beautiful. Thank you. Where can people find you? If they want to reach out to you? 

Katie Carroll  48:35  
Oh thank you so much for asking. You can find me actually at my name Katie Carroll, it's K A T I E C A R R O L L. Katiecarrollcoaching.com is my website. And then you can find me on Instagram and Facebook at Katie Carroll coaching. I have a Facebook group Katy Carroll coaching and I'm also on LinkedIn. And those are the place I love Facebook. I love Instagram, and you can go to my website, you know to schedule a free discovery call with me, you could send me a message on any of the social platforms, I would be honored to connect with anybody that would like to connect. Are you currently taking clients? I am thank you for asking. I definitely am in my one to one coaching program. So I would be honored. I always say I'd be honored to walk alongside anybody on their journey in this life. Because you know, sometimes we need that person to just walk you know lovingly alongside of us as we navigate this crazy beautiful world.

Victoria Volk  49:41  
Right? Is your name changing in your branding? Oh goodness 

Katie Carroll  49:45  
Wow, you know what? That's a good question. I mean, we talk about the name changing and today we were doing stuff with the marriage license so that's interesting. Yeah, I you know, it's funny Victoria because I've always been KTM Carol RN, you know As a nurse and KMC RN, I've been writing that for 21 years and people are saying at work, are you going to change your name? And so we haven't decided yet if I'm going to hyphenate it or change it, you know, so that you're right now that I think about it, I'm Katie cow coaching everywhere. So I'll have to ask Peter if he wants to take my name. Right? Yeah.

Victoria Volk  50:08  
Why Why is it to change RNA right?

Katie Carroll  50:27  
My dream my for so long, like I said, of changing my name. And now all of a sudden, I'm like, Oh, I'm, I'm like Katie Carroll Coaching.

Victoria Volk  50:34  
Is that? Isn't that funny? Like, it's funny. Not funny. Like, it's really ironic. Like, it's something you wanted so badly. And like here, now it's coming. And it's like, you may want to keep my name. Right. Right. I know. That is very, you could always you could always hyphenate and just keep your business

Katie Carroll  50:53  
True. To You're right. You're right. 

Victoria Volk  50:56  
It doesn't have to be either or it can be and,

Katie Carroll  51:01  
huh, yes, I love that.

Victoria Volk  51:04  
Anything else?

Katie Carroll  51:05  
I think that's it. Thank you so much, Victoria. This was amazing. I always feel like so at peace talking to you. So thank you. Thank you for that. 

Victoria Volk  51:13  
And thank you for being here. Yeah, thank you so much. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you're hurting know that what you're feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.