Grieving Voices

Takeaways & Reflections from Ep. 15 & 16: Shifting Perspective, Giving Ourselves Grace, & Expectations

October 20, 2020 Victoria V Season 1 Episode 17
Grieving Voices
Takeaways & Reflections from Ep. 15 & 16: Shifting Perspective, Giving Ourselves Grace, & Expectations
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Show Notes Transcript

There were some wonderful insights shared by guests Susay Ways on Episode 15 and Danielle Duffey on Episode 16. 

In this episode, I share some highlights and dig a little more deeply into some of the topics we only scratched the surface of during the interviews. 

Learn more about how I got through my grief, shifting energy and perspective, and how we want others to perceive us can actually hurt us more than help. 

Moving on to Danielle's episode, I dig a bit more into the importance of allowing ourselves to feel, how expectations can be a detriment to a marriage, in general, but particularly during grief and, how we're all really not that different. 

I feel like this episode could have been longer, so if there is a topic you want me to cover more deeply about these or any other episodes, please email me at victoria@theunleashedheart.com. 

Also, in today's episode, I mention that today, Tuesday 10/20-10/27, there's also a 2-Book Giveaway going on over at theunleashedheart.com The link to register is below! 

Episode Mentions:

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.

If you'd like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to victoria@theunleashedheart.com.

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Victoria Volk:

This is Victoria of theunleashedheart.com and you're listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever and advanced grief recovery methods specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate gravers and non Grievers alike, spread hope and inspire compassion toward those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours. In this platform, Grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief like we talked about the weather? Let's get started. Hello, hello, you are listening to Episode 17 Takeaways and Reflections from episodes 15 with Susan ways on the loss of her spouse, friendships, transition and discovering her needs in Episode 16 with Danielle Duffy of bereaved mothers mission for joy. In this episode, I'm titling it, we find what we're looking for. So today, I will start with sharing my reflections. Well, actually, first of all, a little update. I don't think I give enough updates as to what's going on moving and shaking here. We are in for some snow coming up soon here in the upper Midwest. I'm located in North Dakota, and I am not ready for it. To be honest. I have a little bit of grief every year around this time. Could I move? Absolutely, I could move but our children are getting into the air in the upper classmen years and we have family close. And eventually though, that is my goal and my husband's goal, we would love to be snowbirds. That's what's moving and shakin outside inside. This coming weekend, I am going to be completing my Corona holy fire certification for Reiki. And I am super excited for this. It's well every day for three days. It's online, which is amazing. It saves me a six hour trip. So I'm excited about that, especially with the snow and weather coming other news. In other news, I launched a book giveaway today, I am giving away a copy of the grief recovery handbook to one winner. And to another winner, I am giving a copy of my self- published book The Guided Heart moving through grief and finding spiritual solace. So that runs from today, Tuesday 10/20 through the 27th. And the winner will be announced on social media on my Instagram, as well as on my Facebook page and via email. So be sure to confirm your entry and be on the lookout for that announcement which will be later that day if confirmed. If I don't hear back within 24 hours, a new winner will be drawn which did happen last year. So excited to offer this giveaway. All right, now that I've updated you on everything that's going on my way. Let's move on to the episode. So I'd like to start with Susan ways episode which was Episode 15 on the loss of her husband and some friendships and just transitioning from a career and discovering what she needed in the start of her podcast actually two tendrils of grief. And the one thing that I noted that she had said was, she said I needed someone to say I got through this and here is how. That is exactly what I find myself sharing with other Grievers. I got through this and this is how. When it comes to grief recovery, I was 30 plus years griever I still am a griever not was I still am to be honest, lost doesn't just we just don't forget about it right? I will never see my father with my children. And I've missed out on many moments within myself. And so that doesn't go away. As we all go through phases and stages of our lives and you know, there's an empty seat at the table that just doesn't fade to the background of our lives it's ever present. And when I experienced grief recovery, it allowed me to not think of everything from the past and then feel pain and sorrow. It has allowed me to embrace and reflect and come to an awareness of how it's prepared me to do the work that I do now in helping others in being a better parent. When it comes to the grief that my children inevitably will experience in their life, and my friends, my other family, and I just feel like I say it on nearly every episode, I do try and mention grief recovery, because it is one of those things that has been around for over 40 years, however, many people have never heard of it. You know, it's only recently in the last few years, where it's been a more of an online presence, where it's being shared more widely, and it is on every continent, we have grieved, specialists, even in Guam, and all over the world. So this is really, there's nothing like it. There's really just nothing like it. And I'm starting to see a thread, a common theme and a thread in all of the interviews that I've done. And one thing that Grievers will mention when they're sharing their stories is in kind of the one thing that a lot of them want to scream to the world is there's no right or wrong way to grieve, which I absolutely agree with. And there's no one cookie cutter or one way to not read the pain. But to move on from it. I really struggle when I hear that because it makes me first of all, it kind of makes me sad for the Grievers sharing their story because I know how phenomenal this program is. And perhaps those who share feel like they're doing really well, like they've they're doing well in their life. And they've been able to transmute that pain into something positive and find some good in it. And I do see a lot of hope, in the stories that people have shared so far with me. The other thing I want to mention is that I too thought I was okay, for a very long time, many years. And we often have, in my experience, I can speak for myself had many losses throughout my life. But there's that one loss, it's like the tipping point, or like I cannot take any more and they seek therapy or they seek some sort of support, they finally reach out their hand and they're willing to accept help. I just feel like this is something that grief recovery is something that may feel like a promise to people and people are leery promises, they say expectations or plan disappointments, but I wholeheartedly believe in this program. And I don't care what your loss was, and what you've experienced. I've seen it transform the lives of people who have had religion used against them who have had terrible atrocities committed to them again, there's just nothing like it. And it is skills and knowledge that you will have for the rest of your life that you can apply to your life for the rest of your life. And also gives you an education that you can share with your peers, with your family with anyone else who you know who is grieving. I just feel like there's this almost like this. I'll believe it when I see it. You know, it's not magic. Grief recovery isn't magic. But I can tell you, in my experience in my heart, it felt like magic. Because when I was carrying so much that I was caring for so long, and to feel that boulder being taken away from me for the very first time. It truly felt like magic. So I just want you to consider you know, when I mentioned grief recovery, when you hear other Grievers saying that this didn't work, or that thing didn't work, or, you know, find your own way or, and that's true, that's very true. Like I found my way to grief recovery. And look how long it took me. But you have to be open and ready, an open mind is probably three fourths of it. Because if you're sitting there and one of my groups and you're closed off to the experience, it probably won't help you. And so it really does take an open mind. So I just wanted to share that because of what she shared was, you know, that quote, I got through this. And here is how that she needed someone to tell her that and this is my answer to that question to that statement that she made in her episode. And I just wanted to dig a little deeper into my perspective of that we also talked about when you shift and change your energy to attract hope in the form of people and experiences that nurture that hope for you and for your future. That's really to when you find hope we tend to find what we're looking for. If you're looking for a magic bullet or you're looking for an overnight flip of a switch or you're looking for just something just to take away the pain like yesterday. I don't know that you're having feeling of hope in those moments. I don't know that you really can feel hope that feels more like desperation. desperation can actually lead to hope in that once we're desperate and we're sick of our own crap, we tend to also maybe look for things that can help us. And we tend to reach out for help. And so desperation can lead to hope. But in those moments, it doesn't feel like hope. But once we start shifting our energy, and we start to really pay attention to our thought process, and what we're thinking on a daily basis, about our grief about the past, anything like that, we can tend to attract more of that. So I thought it was a wonderful point that she brought up, I heard a term for the first time during Susan's podcast interview as well. And it was, she mentioned non versation. And it's when you're talking with someone, and they just keep going on and on and on complaining about something, but they have no action plan on how to change it. And you get to that point in relationship with someone where that's the bulk of the conversations, and you have a non conversation that is a very one sided conversation, isn't it? When we kind of get wrapped up in our own stories, really, I think it stems from not digging into our own grievances, and asking ourselves better questions. So we just kind of ruminate, and do and then we look to others, to stew with us. And you know, and all that really does, it just adds to more suffering for us. And it's that suffering, emotional energy that is perpetuated, as we keep talking about it with whomever is willing to listen, she also brought up, you know, when people judge you and treat you, the way that they perceive your life is going really as true, I believe, too, and that people can paint a really glamorous picture of their lives or a very wholesome, grounded image for themselves. And inside, they could be crumbling, when people judge you and treat you the way that they perceive your life is going imagine then too, if they perceive or treat you as if you are a basket case, or perceive you as if you're falling apart, they'll treat you differently, they believe that you have it all put together, they'll treat you as if you have it all put together, right? So we do tend to judge and treat people how we perceive their life is going and that's cause a bit of reflection. For me, I think it was a beautiful point to bring across. And I wanted to highlight that again, on this episode, both the non versation aspect and also when you yourself may feel judged or treated differently, you know, What, are you living authentically? Are you telling the emotional truth about yourself? Those are questions to ask yourself, because if you are trying to I mean, it takes a lot of effort and energy to come across as if you're all put together and you have it all figured out and you're doing fine. You know, that takes a lot of energy, you're also not getting help either or support when you're doing that. So I just want to encourage you to consider that as well. It's okay to ask for help. And you know, and that's okay to vent. I'm not saying that calling a friend up and complaining about a situation isn't that we all don't do it. I mean, I know I have but I have gotten to where I have this awareness, I really try and focus on what my thoughts are throughout the day, and it changes everything. It just shifts your perspective for the whole day. And I don't find myself complaining about situations or maybe even people probably as often as I used to for sure. And really those moments just start holding a mirror to us ask ourselves like why is this causing me to have this reaction? Because you know, really, that's a lot of power we give other people when we allow something they say or do to have such an impact on our lives that we feel the need to spend hours on the phone with friends and confidence talking about it. It's a lot of emotional energy wasted. And it's a lot of power we are giving other people in our lives and so I just want to encourage you to feel empowerment because that feels a whole lot better than feeling disempowered. I hope that was helpful. And again, if you haven't listened to Episode 15 with Susan Ways feel like there's something for everyone In that episode, she mentions two big part about social media, which was an important mention because it is important what we take in while we're feeling how are our feeling and grief and we want to make sure that we're feeding our hearts was with positive encouraging and not harmful or hurtful things. So be sure to go back and listen to that episode. Now on to Episode 16 with Danielle Duffy who lost her infant son very suddenly an unexplained way SUDC, which is sudden in unexplained death of a child SUDC. And I'd never heard of it until my episode with Danielle and I cannot even imagine. I just absolutely cannot even imagine in Danielle's case to not know can't imagine that it has to be very heart wrenching, she really embodied joy in her episode. And I feel like she really gives that side of herself in her work with the mission mama podcast that she started as a result of all that she's experienced in life, she talked a lot about gratitude. And her quote that I jotted down was we are not meant to live this life alone. And isn't that the truth, if you want to learn more about SUDC again, that website was sucd.org. I just wanted to mention that before I forget, but we talked about connecting with others who had lost a child was very important in her healing process. Because, again, to find I mean, in Grievers appreciate finding someone who shares in a similar loss. And what I have found to with groups, sometimes is that and in society, in general, there's this knee jerk reaction to compare loss. I lost my both my parents in a car accident, for example, versus I never knew my parents, for whatever reason, maybe they put me up for adoption, or, you know, I'm just explaining, there's like, there's so many stories of grief out there, you guys, and none are the same. No two stories are ever the same. And there's really hurtful and harmful things that come about when we start to compare losses. But I do understand the desire and the connection that one can feel when you connect with others who have had or experienced a similar loss. And she says to, just allow yourself to feel and she allowed herself to feel. And I think that's so important in grief, too. I think it's part of the reason to why perhaps I suffered for as long as I did, because I learned to stuff, my feelings and stuff, my emotions, to not share how I was feeling because it wasn't safe, it wasn't welcomed. And how we learn as little children is how we behave as adults. Let me repeat that, how we learn as children is how we behave as adults. And it's no different with grief, my friends, and she shared is also about releasing expectations with a grieving spouse and others. And it's a big one you guys, because I especially with spouses, we have a tendency to get married before any tragedy strikes or anything. You have all these high hopes and expectations for a beautiful life and wonderful things to come and sharing experiences and all the things that marriage brings us in our lives. And we aren't prepared for when things don't go as planned or for when things start to change, or the person maybe develops habits or behaviors that they didn't really share in the beginning or express or anything like that. And it's no different with emotions, maybe people start to exhibit different emotions, because we all go through different phases and stages of life too. So who you were at 17 is not who you are going to be at 27 or 47. Or vice versa, you know, as the years go on, I mean, that's what adulting is. That's what growing up means. I think we never end growing up. I don't think you turn 18. And while you're grown up, you're an adult. I mean, yeah, legally, you're an adult, but I don't know that we arrive at our best selves at any certain particular age. And so it's always this striving to be our best selves, and to become our best selves. And it can get tricky when there's different personalities, and there's other people involved and, and when tragedy in particular strikes, and when grief enters the room, we then go too deep into that, but men grieve just as women do, maybe not in the same ways, but they grieve and I'm a female and I stuffed my emotions. And there are many males who stuff their emotions. So I don't think necessarily that it's about gender. I think I even touched on this on a previous episode that I just feel like there are typical ways and themes into how people deal with grief. And we do cover a lot of this in grief recovery work. It's not gender based. And we all do the similar same things. Whether you are male or female, or 27 or 47. We all exhibit and tend to resort to the same or similar behaviors. We call them STERBS Short term energy relieving behaviors where either it's we pour ourselves into work, become workaholics, start drinking, or returning to shopping or gambling, anger is a big one. And grief manifests in our bodies quite similarly, as well for many of us, and that, again, is not gender specific. My point in saying this is that how men and women grieve it's not even about gender, it really is just depends on how they were taught. And that's men and women. We take those lessons with us. And I just really, I hope you go back and listen to Danielle's episode, because if you are needing some joy in your life, or need some tools and tips that she provided in that episode, in the show notes, they're listed there as well. I feel like any parent who can who goes through a loss of a child who was able to find joy in the way that she has, there's someone to listen to, they are someone to look up to for hope, and I just really appreciated her sharing her story with all of you on that episode. All right, my friends. I think that about covers it for today. Again, don't forget the two book giveaway starts today and head over to my Instagram@theunleashedheart or my website, theunleashedheart.com and also on Facebook, and you can find the links there to sign up and register. Thank you for listening today. Also, if you found this episode helpful, I would love for you to go to Apple podcasts leave a review particularly five star if you found this helpful. And I really would love to know what you have found most helpful. Do you love the interviews? Do you prefer the solo episodes please share I would love to know, I would love to share a review right now from karaoke Tanaka's. And they say thank you for creating this podcast, holding space and gifting nuggets of wisdom. I feel as if you're speaking directly to me the six myths episodes and how you really break it down step by step as this topic is so emotional. So having the support of the groundwork laid out step by step really helps. Thank you excited to hear more. Thank you so much for that wonderful five star review. I really truly appreciate it. Also to share it with a griever that you know if especially if it was helpful, because that's that's who I'm doing this for and we all are Grievers in some way shape or form. So thank you again. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life much love. From my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because Sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you're hurting know that what you're feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.