Grievers are often on the receiving end of some hurtful, even harmful, unsolicited advice. They're often told how they should be grieving, how long, and how they should be feeling. Analytical, judgemental, and criticizing comments like these go back to all of the Myths of Grief that I talk about in Episode 4.
In this episode, I use widows and widowers as my example of what to say and what not to say to the griever after the death of their spouse/significant other. In this episode, you will learn those tips and more, including taking faith into consideration. We don't all believe the same, therefore, it's important to use caution when it comes to faith-based remarks.
Referenced in this episode:
Episode 4: Myths of Grief
Episode 6: The Manifestation of Grief (STERBS discussed in this episode)
Grief Support
______
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you'd like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to victoria@theunleashedheart.com.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
______
WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Grievers are often on the receiving end of some hurtful, even harmful, unsolicited advice. They're often told how they should be grieving, how long, and how they should be feeling. Analytical, judgemental, and criticizing comments like these go back to all of the Myths of Grief that I talk about in Episode 4.
In this episode, I use widows and widowers as my example of what to say and what not to say to the griever after the death of their spouse/significant other. In this episode, you will learn those tips and more, including taking faith into consideration. We don't all believe the same, therefore, it's important to use caution when it comes to faith-based remarks.
Referenced in this episode:
Episode 4: Myths of Grief
Episode 6: The Manifestation of Grief (STERBS discussed in this episode)
Grief Support
______
If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, there are free resources available HERE.
If you'd like to share your grieving voice on the show or want to share your thoughts about an episode, please send an email to victoria@theunleashedheart.com.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
______
WAYS TO SUPPORT THE SHOW:
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA (@theunleashedheart):
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
This is Victoria of theunleashedheart.com and you're listening to grieving voices, a podcast for hurting hearts who desire to be heard. Or anyone who wants to learn how to better support loved ones experiencing loss. As a 30 plus year griever and advanced grief recovery methods specialist, I know how badly the conversation around grief needs to change. Through this podcast, I aim to educate grievers and non Grievers alike, spread hope and inspire compassion toward those hurting. Lastly, by providing my heart with yours and this platform, Grievers had the opportunity to share their wisdom and stories of loss and resiliency. How about we talk about grief, like we talked about the weather? Let's get started. Hey, hey, hey, it is another week and already into September and I do not know where 2020 has gone. Are you with me on that? Because I just recently ordered my 2021 Danielle Laporte, a weekly planner. And you guys, were did 2020 go? Seriously, last week on the episode I talked about apologies and forgiveness. And I mentioned I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about fear or not or what the topic was going to be. But I decided I had kind of looked into the analytics on my website and found that this one post has been the top blog post in all of my blog history. It's still visited today, even though it was published quite some time ago. Actually, I'm not exactly sure of the date right now, but this is definitely the top post on my website. So today we are going to be talking about grief shaming. This is Episode 11 Grief shaming. It's important because of how Grievers slip into the myths of grief. You know, the Don't feel bad, replace the loss. All of those things that I've talked about many times, grieve alone be strong, keep busy. Time heals all wounds. It's these messages that we receive as Grievers from society from well intentioned people in our lives, who likely have not swept their own doorstep, in terms of addressing their own grief. But yet people tend to share unsolicited advice of what other Grievers should be doing shouldn't be doing, how long they should be grieving or shouldn't be grieving. And this post is about that. And since many people may not have read it, or aren't aware of it, I thought I'm going to turn this into a podcast episode. So here we go. So social media can be an excellent tool to reconnect with family and friends as well as to stay connected and nurture new relationships. However, there's also a less favorable side of social media. And we all know there's cyberbullying, which is an issue not only for teens, but also for adults. But have you ever considered the harmful things people say to others who are grieving, and maybe things that you've even spoken to others who are grieving? I think this is especially true right now, as we all address and deal with COVID. But I believe people are well intentioned. However, even well intentioned people can do some emotional damage to an already hurting heart. In fact, 85% of the things people say to the widowed, for example, are not helpful. And I will be talking about widow or widowers in this episode using that loss as an example because it is very common. So think, in terms of how you can apply what I share today to other types of losses as you listen. But you know, furthermore, there can be remarks made in response to someone sharing about their grief online, that tell the person how they should be over their grief by now, or how they should be presently handling it. Or maybe people go as far as to tell the person to stop sharing their emotional pain online. I've actually seen this and people that I've worked with in through grief recovery have shared this with me that this has been said to them. And I'm going to call this for what it is. It is grief shaming. Instead of body shaming people Grievers become victims of grief shaming. It's the critical, analytical, and judgmental responses to sharing their emotional pain. And this term came to me during a conversation with my mentor. I had not heard this term before. And in the process of actually creating the blog post, I googled it. And Alas, I can say it's not an original idea. And I've read several other blog posts by Grievers who have felt grief shamed themselves. So this topic is not something new. But I think it's essential to bring to light, the emotional damage, unhelpful comments can do. And it ultimately boils down to the fact that society has no idea what to do or say, in response to grief. When john James had started the grief recovery Institute, he chose the name grief recovery, despite being told by many that people will not want to talk about grief. And that is why he chose the phrase grief recovery. The narrative around grief needed to change then, which was at the time in the late 70s. And it still needs to change. Unfortunately, what I find with grief recovery is when you begin to give yourself compassion, and recovery it opens your heart more fully to the pain of others. Grief recovery isn't only about healing. It's an education too. And I think we all would agree that we could use more knowledge when it comes to grief. So back to grief shaming, which to me is the feeling the griever has after sharing their emotional pain, and others share remarks that are criticizing, judging and analyzing of what the griever shared. I've said it before. But grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. And the more other people attempt to fix widows and widowers, for example, or any griever with intellectual comments and advice, the more isolated they feel, they might even start to think something is wrong with them, because they are still grieving. So here are 11 things not to say to a widow or widower, be grateful for the time you were married. You're still young, you can always remarry. You must stay strong for your children. Don't feel bad, your husband is no longer in pain. And that's you know, especially if they died of an illness. Your wife wouldn't want you to be sad, she'd want you to celebrate her life. Everything happens for a reason. This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby. Make sure you donate all your husband's stuff to charity, you don't need any reminders of him. Make sure you don't throw away any of your wife stuff, you will regret it. It just takes time. And finally, I know what you're going through. And then the person starts talking about their own loss. Online or in person remarks like these are not helpful because although they may be intellectually valid, they're not addressing the feelings of the heart. Therefore they're doing more damage than good. The grief remain be left feeling shame or embarrassment for sharing in the first place. When all they're trying to do is process what they're feeling. I'll say this until I'm blue in the face. We don't know what to do with our feelings when it comes to grief. Expressing them in the only way we know or are familiar with is what we resort to instead. And when a griever hears judgment, criticism, or analyzation they end up grieving in isolation. So tell me, is it any wonder why are obesity rate is what it is? Why our alcohol and drug addiction is an epidemic? How the debt of individuals accrue also continually increase over time? Of course, this is due to many reasons. However, on average and 2019 people are spending just as much of their income on paying down current debt as they are on accruing new debt for clothes and trips. According to a nationwide study, so that was 2019 I am not sure what the numbers would be for 2020 considering we had COVID. However, essentially, Americans are paying billions overall in interest and are continually in debt. In grief recovery, these modes of distraction, such as food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, workaholism, or gambling, and many more, in our lives are called sterbs, short term energy relieving behaviors. And I actually have an episode on that a while back. And I could do a whole topic of that just a podcast episode again, probably on that as well. But I digress back to shame, grief shaming yet again, here are helpful things to say to a widow, or widower instead, what happened? Ask what happened, then listen to their reply. The most loving thing you can do for widows and widowers who want and need to be listened to, is to do just that, without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them. And it may also be helpful to ask how they felt at the time, because often two people get wrapped up in the story of what happened, but they're rarely asked how it made them feel. Another thing you can say is, I don't know what to say. And it's okay to tell the truth. If you don't know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you're a safe person to talk to because they'll know you aren't trying to fix them. Another thing to say, I can't imagine how you feel. No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you've had a spouse die, you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels. At best, only you know how you felt when your loss occurred. Comparing losses is never helpful when offering advice or suggestions. It breaks my heart to hear of your loss. This is a good one. following up with a fond memory of the person who died also expresses how their loved one touched your life. You can also give an emoji of a sad face or tears. You know we are in a time of texting and messaging and things like that we often don't see people face to face. But just sending an emojis expressing your feelings is a far more positive response to their pain. Rather than telling them they shouldn't feel bad. Regardless of the griever or the type of loss they've endured the most helpful things you could say are likely not what's your impulses tell you to say? So I caution you when replying to agree or sharing online or in person. Instead, dig into your heart, not your head and approach the situation as if you're holding the Grievers heart in your hands. Utilize the suggestions I have given and change them up to reflect their loss and maybe even helpful to imagine them as a child. Because often adults say things to other adults that they would never say to a child. And you know, what? Aren't we all holding our inner child in our hearts? We carry all of our losses with us from childhood into adulthood. Therefore, we are all Grievers. It's just some are willing to admit it to others, when the most compassionate thing they could do for themselves is to admit it to themselves. So another thing to keep in mind. While you may have found great resist assistance in your faith at times of personal loss, do not assume that this is the best way to assist others. Grievers especially those dealing with an emotional loss caused by death, might still find themselves in emotional pain, while still being secure in their relationship to their faith. They may even have conflicting feelings when it comes to their faith as well primarily if religion or faith was used against them in past loss experience. Their relationship to their emotions and their faith are two different things. Many Christians often forget that the shortest sentence in the Bible is Jesus wept. It's only reasonable that mere mortals might cry as well, even if their beliefs are strong. And it is my opinion that the Bible does not tell us the how and recovering from grief. Or faith can undoubtedly help us through the darkest of the days. With When thoughts of your loved one come to mind, in fond memories turn painful recovery has not occurred. You may have convinced yourself you are. However, when another significant emotional loss occurs later, and stacks on top of the ones before it, you will be taken back to that old familiar pain you experienced before. The past hurt and pain will rise again to the surface. And when this happens, think about the sterbs that I mentioned go back to that episode as well. Our minds can cocked all kinds of ways to distract ourselves from our hearts. And I've only begun to scratch the surface on this topic. And as you've been listening, you may believe you've been doing just fine with your grief. But something you've heard is perhaps needling at you. Pressing a button on your heart that makes you squirm in your seat. Perhaps you even want to email me and tell me I've got it all wrong I get that. What we resist persists. And I know you because I was you and still am you in ways because recovery is an ongoing process. I am a work in progress. You are a work in progress. And healing is a work in progress too. However, recovery is only in progress. Once we can admit to ourselves that we need it. Tell the truth about yourself to yourself. Start there. And when you're ready, you know where to find me. So I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you felt grief shamed? Have you recognized where you may be have grief shamed someone else? And if that's the case, you know what, forgive yourself for that. And if you need to offer an apology, do so. But the best thing you can do too, is listen to this podcast, search research articles. Seek out education about grief, how to support others, how to support yourself. This is why I'm so passionate about grief education. Because as we start to work on ourselves, it creates ripples. And this work that I've done on myself has definitely created ripples in my life. I hope this was helpful to you. Apply it to any losses that you've maybe encountered and will encounter because grief isn't going away anytime soon. I thank you for listening. Reach out to me if you have any questions. If you are interested in any of the services I provide if you want to dig deeper into your grief, reach out. I hope this finds you well today, and I wish you much love. from my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because Sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours. And if you're hurting know that what you're feeling is normal and natural. Much love my friend.