In this episode, we dig into why this is and, you will learn:
How grief cuts us off from our intuition
Impact of belief systems
The root of unhappiness
8 unhelpful, often hurtful, ways society responds to grievers
In the next episode, the six myths of grief (and misinformation) will be revealed.
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Hey there, welcome to this week's episode where I will be talking about why and how grief keeps us stuck. If you didn't catch last week's episode, I discussed really define grief in probably a definition that you've likely never heard. So if you miss that episode, go back to that. And this is the second episode of a, what I think what will be a 10 part series we will see. I there's so much I would love to share. So, it may be more than that, but I'm planning 10 episodes of education around grief. So let's get started talking about how and why grief gets us stuck, or keeps us stuck rather. In our brain is our intellect like our mind is our intellect. And if we think about like I often think about like my own intuition is like just not necessarily in my brain. Not in my mind, but kind of like, this intangible force that's kind of out there in a way like it's, it's like it's the deepest connection to my spirit that I feel - is when I feel like I am fully tapped in to my intuition. Now you might be thinking, what in the world does this have to do with grief? And I'll get to that, but more than you may think. So, we have our intellect, we have our intuition. And then we have within our whole our hearts, our grief energy, right, within our bodies is this emotional energy that we tend to store. Because as you'll learn as I as this series goes on, we either implode or we explode as a result of our emotional energy. For today's episode, I'm talking about how grief actually cuts us off from our ability to tap into our own spirit and our own intuition to this force that opens us up to our, our potential. Really, by the time we are 15 years old, we have received more than 20,000 messages of how to deal with grief. And you know, the reason why I'm so passionate about this work is and why I'm so passionate about education around grief is that it touches us all, first of all, and it starts in childhood; caregivers, parents - it starts with us at home, to send the messages that are positive and supportive and to be open to allowing children to fully express themselves. And, not labeling those emotions or whatever as bad or negative or what have you. Because all feelings are valid. All feelings are valid. So, if we consider that, we experience loss, on average statistically, every nine to 13 years; we are bound for grief like, we are born into this world as impending grievers. Right? We - there's going to be grief. And because all relationships are unique, our feelings around the relationships are unique. You know, it's our recovery is also unique. Getting back to like the intellect aspect, and how we try to, first of all, you cannot heal the heart with the brain. Because if we think about our minds and our intellect, we are always right. Like, we always feel like we are always right. Because we have this belief system that has been ingrained in us, by the time we are 15. By the age of two to three, we've received 75% of the messages and information about grief. And by 15, we've received the remaining 20. And so we got 95% logic, right this, this internal logic and belief system, and then there's this like 5% that is our intuition and our spirit force, like the guidance system that is within us, but when we resort to our intellect and logic, it's this automatic critical response. And we're always going to feel that we are always right. And so when it comes to grief, we will intellectually look in the past and 10% maybe fun memories 90% maybe regret. And if we're not in the present moment, we might be in the future, right? 10% we might be planning 90% we might be worrying. Unhappiness comes from an attempt to be in any moment, other than the present moment. That is what emotional jail is. If we are unable to live in the present moment, and that's what grief kind of steals from us. It just it either keeps us in the past, ruminating and stewing on the stories, mostly with regret, and other other feelings that get wrapped in with grief or we're looking to the future. With worry of what's to come of, what if this? What if that we receive more education about simple first aid than we do about death, divorce and any other emotional loss? There over 8 million Grievers every year, and 14 million pets die every year. And we have been taught how to acquire things, but not what to do when we lose them. My point overarching message in this podcast episode is that grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. So we cannot heal the heart with the head. Because it's the wrong tool for the job. It's like trying to paint with a hammer. It just it makes a mess. We need to stop these intellectual connections from overpowering our emotional truth. Right? It comes back to that - to the, to our brain box, to our, our minds, our belief system, our logic. And so when we translate this to - why is this keeping me stuck? When you're focusing on the intellectual and you try and talk to others, you try to communicate about your grief to others; you're communicating to another griever. They have their own belief system. They have their own automatic critical response. They have been cut off themselves from their own intuition because of their grief. They have received their own messages by the age of 15. They're stuck in their own past of regret or fond memories, and worry of the future and likely are not living in the present moment either. And so we have these expectations of how another will respond to us. But expectations are planned disappointments. What we get back as feedback instead are these intellectual responses that aren't helpful and unintentionally, are hurtful because they don't understand what to say. They're afraid of our feelings. They try to change the subject. They intellectualize. They don't hear us. They don't want to talk about death; also professional distortions, you know, where medically you go in - you're having some issues, feeling depressed. They want to give you a pill. I can speak to that, you know, when I had postpartum - let's, let's give you a pill. It's grief. And then there are those two that just want us to keep our faith right? But faith and feelings are two different things. Grievers need to be heard. They don't need to be fixed. But because of all the messages that we receive in our childhood. Because of the education we receive about everything else other than grief. Because we have our own intellect, in our own grieving experiences that we haven't dealt with many of us, is it any surprise then that we approach others in their grief, with logic and with our own lens of what we see in their grief? You know, we try to relate but that, trying to relate, only likely creates more pain for the person. We cannot hold space and be there for somebody grieving if we have not allowed ourselves to grieve either. The capacity at which we are able to hold space and be a heart with yours is a direct reflection of our own inner work that we have done for our grief experiences. In my experience with grief, 30 plus years, I only in the last year, have felt this inner knowing that I am on the path that I'm, I'm supposed to be on. I feel like the next steps are literally shown to me, as I've been working through my grief and the various relationships that have felt incomplete for me or have been emotionally incomplete. For me, it's allowed me to fully tap into my spirit, my intuition, my force, if you will. That's, I think, when you really know you're starting to heal. But, it's just the beginning, right? Because this work doesn't end because we always will have loss in our lives. I hope this episode shed some light on why you may be stuck in your grief. Hopefully you gleaned some nuggets that will get you thinking. Because having an awareness around our emotional truth is when we realize that something needs to change. So I thank you for listening today. Next week, I will start to dive into the myths of grief. There are six of them. I have not decided yet if each one will get its own episode I yeah, not sure yet. So we'll see. But I hope you tune in for that. Until next time, take care from my heart to yours. Thank you for listening. If you liked this episode, please share it because sharing is caring. And until next time, give and share compassion by being hurt with yours and if you're hurting know that What you're feeling is normal and natural. Much love, my friend.