How often have we heard or even played 'the guilt and blame game' in relationships? This emotional turmoil hinders healing and obscures the path to genuine connection.
In today's episode, we dive deep into the complex themes of self-love, self-acceptance, and navigating loss. Healing isn't just about moving past grief; it involves embracing responsibility for our emotions, navigating forgiveness, and making peace internally—sometimes without confronting another soul. As a grief counselor, I've witnessed how loss challenges faith and spirituality but also offers profound lessons in nurturing them.
Regret may whisper tales of what could have been, yet authentic care means addressing those echoes within us rather than seeking external resolutions. Grief is personal—it carves unique paths for each wanderer—and advice must be sifted like grains through fingers until only what serves remains.
Today reminds us that life is transient—"you are dust, and to dust you will return." This sentiment urges us to contemplate our aspirations before time writes its final word on our chapter.
An oracle card left me contemplating as it spoke of new chapters filled with uncertainty—an inevitable companion in growth. Embrace this dance with change as your story unfolds into awakening.
Here’s to new beginnings built on foundations of love—for oneself first—that ripple outward.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
How often have we heard or even played 'the guilt and blame game' in relationships? This emotional turmoil hinders healing and obscures the path to genuine connection.
In today's episode, we dive deep into the complex themes of self-love, self-acceptance, and navigating loss. Healing isn't just about moving past grief; it involves embracing responsibility for our emotions, navigating forgiveness, and making peace internally—sometimes without confronting another soul. As a grief counselor, I've witnessed how loss challenges faith and spirituality but also offers profound lessons in nurturing them.
Regret may whisper tales of what could have been, yet authentic care means addressing those echoes within us rather than seeking external resolutions. Grief is personal—it carves unique paths for each wanderer—and advice must be sifted like grains through fingers until only what serves remains.
Today reminds us that life is transient—"you are dust, and to dust you will return." This sentiment urges us to contemplate our aspirations before time writes its final word on our chapter.
An oracle card left me contemplating as it spoke of new chapters filled with uncertainty—an inevitable companion in growth. Embrace this dance with change as your story unfolds into awakening.
Here’s to new beginnings built on foundations of love—for oneself first—that ripple outward.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Victoria Volk
00:00:03 - 00:00:35
Hello, beautiful souls listening to today's episode. Thank you so much for being here. And I really didn't know what I was going to talk about today when I sat down to record. It is in fact Valentine's Day and it is Ash Wednesday. And my newsletter for this week was about a less-than-happy Valentine's Day, which last week's episode, if you haven't listened to it, that's what it was about.
Victoria Volk
00:00:35 - 00:01:52
And instead of reinventing the wheel, the timing of my newsletter coming out, which is biweekly, was the same topic. And so there's been a lot of discussion and I've seen a lot of information out there and content about self-love, but I took it a step further in last week's episode, and it is really more than about bubble baths and getting your nails done and all of that, which are all great, or taking a nap. But although I'm a huge proponent of self-care and, you know, pampering yourself, taking a spa day, spa day at home, enjoying a cup of tea, sitting down with a friend, all these little things that we can do, these micro-moments that we can cultivate for ourselves to nurture our souls, to nurture our spirit, to bring some lightness to our day, to bring some lightness to our Heavy hearts, I'm all for that. That's and that's a lot of what the content has been lately.
Victoria Volk
00:01:52 - 00:02:33
I even shared some of that in my newsletter. But I think when we talk about self-care, self-love, it's more about self-acceptance, meeting yourself where you're at, having compassion for yourself. And how do you do that? It's really difficult to do that though, when you're a hamster on the wheel of your own life when you don't even stop long enough to sit in stillness or in the quiet. Because in the stillness and in the quiet is when fear comes up.
Victoria Volk
00:02:35 - 00:03:39
Is when the anxieties come up and our heart starts racing when we think about the future and our fists might clench up or our teeth might clench up or we might feel tightness in our body somewhere when we think about the past. So self-love really is self-acceptance, self-awareness, self-compassion. It's all of those things. And it's in doing the things to build connection within the self that we can build deeper connections within our relationships with others. And I think so many of us are walking around with these walls up in this armor, keeping ourselves at a distance from deeper connection to other people because what we've really lost is a deeper connection within self.
Victoria Volk
00:03:41 - 00:04:35
But what happened is we don't think about that first relationship with ourself when something bad happens to us or something negative just knocks us off our feet in our lives, and we have this terrible loss, a devastating loss, whether it be by death or just estrangement or just a disconnect of relationship for some reason, maybe even unknown. Maybe just a distance comes between, you know, like two ships in the night. Right? And so we can quickly go to that place of blame, of wanting to blame. We can also feel guilt.
Victoria Volk
00:04:35 - 00:05:11
Guilt and blame. It's the guilt and blame game. That's what we play with ourselves, the guilt and blame game. And either we feel guilty about something that we did or didn't do and or we want to blame or find something or someone to blame for how we feel, not taking responsibility for ourselves for how we feel. And so that's what I wanna riff about today, which I've already kind of been riffing on for 6 minutes now or so.
Victoria Volk
00:05:13 - 00:07:00
But I wanna talk about and I might get into, like, this disconnect in loss of faith, Faith within ourselves, like, we lose faith within ourselves, but we also lose faith, I think, in life itself of feeling supported of a higher power, and it's Ash Wednesday, and it's all about Love today. And so all of this connects and ties in and maybe I'll wrap it with a really nice Beau at the end in some way, but so I'm gonna feel like I might be jumping around a bit and maybe I hope you can stick with me and, I hope I can connect the dots for you, but I have so many thoughts and I guess that's where I'm feeling a little scrambled at this moment, but I'm just riffing, so let's see where it takes us. So coming back to the concept of loss of relationships or you know, things happening again, whether it be by means of death or otherwise. But when something or when someone important in our lives leaves for some reason, we're often left with many things we wish had been different, better, or more. Sometimes the situation is such that the last interaction we had with them was maybe a fight or an argument, which leaves us with an additional emotional burden beyond just the normal impact of the grief and the things that are never going to happen because the other person died or is no longer in your life.
Victoria Volk
00:07:01 - 00:07:55
So I just wanna address that word guilt. Guilt implies an intent to do harm. When someone is no longer in our life because they either passed away or just again, like the relationship ended for whatever reason, we often reflect on our last interactions with this with that person. And it's in that reflection where we can think about these things that we said or we did and how we wish we would have said things differently or wish we would have done things differently or how we wish a situation would have ended better. And we often in these moments of emotional these emotionally charged moments is when we often say things we don't mean or say things in a tone we didn't mean or they're taking them in a different way that was intended.
Victoria Volk
00:07:55 - 00:08:26
And so this is where then you have this complexity of a relationship where it's one person feeling guilty, the other person feeling blame, and this is in the normal. Like our typical relationships often have scenarios that play out like this. And so when one person passes away or doesn't is no longer in our life, those feelings don't go away. They're still there. Now, of course, if you're the one that passed away.
Victoria Volk
00:08:26 - 00:09:11
Of course not. But the one that's left behind, and whether that's guilt or that's blame, you still have those emotions within you that you're holding on to that you hold on to unless you have an awareness of their existence and work through processing those feelings and emotions and thoughts so that you can change them, so that you can move past the pain of the experience. And of course, you'll still feel sadness, but the pain will be lessened. And a part of that is recognizing the 1% responsibility that you have. And I say 1% because so often for people, especially in cases of abuse and things like that.
Victoria Volk
00:09:11 - 00:09:39
It's really hard just to take responsibility. Like, what is my responsibility? I wasn't the one doing this. I wasn't the one harming the other, especially in the case of abuse is what I'm getting at there. But when we take 1 at least 1% responsibility for how we feel, because really, it's only us who are responsible for our feelings. We can change how we move forward.
Victoria Volk
00:09:39 - 00:10:22
We have a choice in how we move forward. And that plays into forgiveness and apologies and significant emotional statements that we work through and I do grief differently in the grief work that I do with clients. It's still work that I personally do myself because whether people are alive or dead, they're still in our lives. There's still an emotional connection that exists and keeps on going. Relationships have many components, good, bad, and sometimes ugly.
Victoria Volk
00:10:23 - 00:11:06
And when the last interaction we had wasn't good, we often carry that last bad interaction forward and sometimes lose sight of all of the other elements of the relationship. But by understanding that guilt is an intent to do harm, we can remove Inappropriate language. That's not even appropriate for how a person feels. And this is where I want you to think about in a relationship that you have now, whether the person is still living or has died, what do you wish about that relationship would be different, better, or more. What are your losses of hopes, dreams and expectations for that relationship?
Victoria Volk
00:11:07 - 00:11:36
Is there anything you need to apologize for? Is there anything that you need to forgive? And there's is there anything else that you haven't said to this person that you wish you would have, either on the positive spectrum or on the perceived negative spectrum? Switching gears to talk more about blame. When something happens in our lives, we, it is our almost a knee jerk reaction to, oh, who can I blame for this?
Victoria Volk
00:11:36 - 00:12:09
Who's at fault? You know, it's our perceived you know, we're always looking to protect ourselves, right? And so if someone is doing something that we perceive as an attack or someone did something physically, you know, there's someone to blame. There's someone on the other end of that that's inflicting that either physical or emotional pain. And so it is easy to just point the finger and blame another person, and it might be very justified.
Victoria Volk
00:12:09 - 00:12:34
You know, this emotional energy has to go somewhere, and we often channel it through anger that is fueled by blame. So whether it's another person who's living or the person who has passed away, especially if the person's passed away, you are stuck in emotional jail because you are never going to get an apology from someone who's passed away. This is why that is personal work. Apologies, forgiveness, significant emotional statements. This is internal personal work.
Victoria Volk
00:12:34 - 00:12:53
It is for you, and it's not for anybody else. And you don't even have to confront the other person. And this is work that I do with clients. This is work that I've personally went through myself and continue to work through. You do not have to confront people to address these emotions that you're holding in, the guilt and the blame.
Victoria Volk
00:12:53 - 00:13:14
And for so long, for so many years, like many of you probably listening, I blamed God. My dad passed away when I was young, and my life completely flipped upside down and inside out. What is a child to do? You know, we're always taught that, you know, God loves you. And I was in Bible school, and then you're told, well, they went into heaven.
Victoria Volk
00:13:14 - 00:13:34
And when you're told these ridiculous things like, God needed another angel, do not say that to people. Because if you really think about it, if I told somebody if I told a child especially, well, God needed another angel. Okay. Well, I'll just blame God then because, you know, my dad should be here with me, not with God. He should be here with me.
Victoria Volk
00:13:34 - 00:14:01
And so I'm gonna blame God because God took my dad, and that's exactly what happened. You know, through that messaging, we've all done it. As parents, we resort to what we know, and I don't even know who specifically said it? But maybe it's just this messaging. It's subliminal messaging that I was receiving in culture or you know, because by the age of 3, we have learned 75% of how to respond to life's challenges.
Victoria Volk
00:14:01 - 00:14:43
So if that doesn't blow your mind, I don't know what does. But by the age of 15, we've already learned everything that we're going to resort to to respond to life. And that is why it's so important to understand the importance of language and the importance of not saying stuff like that to a child who has lost a parent or a pet because that child grows up thinking God is the reason. God is to blame. And that not only is a harmful thing to hold on to as a child growing up that way but imagine what that does to a child's faith growing up.
Victoria Volk
00:14:43 - 00:15:35
And when you grow up questioning faith or questioning God, you don't have that in your life. And I see so many people turning away from faith, turning away from God. And this is I'm not gonna I'm not gonna stuff a bunch of spiritual or God or faith stuff down your throat today, that is not my intention here. I am just going to simply say that having faith in and trust that you are held, that you are cared for, that you are loved, no matter what you have done, no matter what you have not done, that is the truth. That you were created in the image and the likeness of God.
Victoria Volk
00:15:35 - 00:16:05
And if you think about all of just the creation of a human life itself, if you just google it, it is astonishing. It is a miracle of how we come to be. It is an absolute miracle. And so you are a miracle, and we are all created of this Miracle stardust. And we don't recognize our own beauty and our own light.
Victoria Volk
00:16:06 - 00:16:53
And when the shit hits the fan in our lives, we so easily forget that, and then we look to blame. Because little by little, our beliefs are challenged, our thoughts change, our behavior starts to change, and not in a healthy way. And this is how grief chips away at us little by little, until we come back to understanding and knowing ourselves. Challenging those beliefs that we have been taught, such as God needed another angel or whatever stupid shit you were told as a child just because your parents didn't know better, the adults in the world did not know better. Again, they resorted to what they knew.
Victoria Volk
00:16:55 - 00:17:06
But even adults say stupid shit to other adults. That is not helpful. Oh, they're in a better place. No, they're freaking not. They should be here with me.
Victoria Volk
00:17:06 - 00:17:19
No, they're not in a better place. Because this should have never happened. They should have never gotten sick. They should have never gotten in that car accident. That other person shouldn't have been driving drunk.
Victoria Volk
00:17:19 - 00:17:53
Whatever the case may be, whatever the scenario or situation may be, this is so what this is we look to blame. We want someone to blame because our pain is so deep and so all encompassing. We don't know what to do with it and so we just me personally I just filled with anger and rage. Eating me from the inside out. Literally just eating away and chipping away at my sense of self where I became just so disconnected.
Victoria Volk
00:17:54 - 00:18:22
I can look back in my life, like, it's like little flashes or glimpses here and there, but my memory is so choppy because it wasn't I was so often in that state of fight or flight. And I was not coping well. Not internally. Perhaps on the outside, I was told recently that they this person said I had no idea you were you went through all that you went through. This is where people say, well, children are resilient.
Victoria Volk
00:18:23 - 00:18:31
Are they? I absolutely hate that saying. Children are resilient. I absolutely hate it. Children are perceived as resilient.
Victoria Volk
00:18:32 - 00:19:08
So if you know of a child in your life who has experienced a devastating loss. And I don't care if it's their pet. Just think about what I've just shared in the last few minutes here. Because a child can exhibit that they are okay when really they're not. But the only way you're gonna know is if you allow yourself to go into the uncomfortable places within yourself where you can feel comfortable sharing, because it will take you as the adult to share first for a child to open up and share.
Victoria Volk
00:19:09 - 00:19:29
There are children that will, will open up and easily express through creative arts, through play. And that's great. If that's a gateway for you to open up a conversation, that's great. But know that to create a space of safety for a child, you have to go first.
Victoria Volk
00:19:29 - 00:20:04
Just like you wouldn't just approach another adult in your life and just ask them 50,000,000 questions and expect that they're just gonna open up and share. Children are the same. It's like you need a sense of safety and trust and security first before you're gonna spill your beans, you know? But I'm getting kind of off track here to what I wanted to say about the loss of faith. And that was the case for me for many years because I did blame God.
Victoria Volk
00:20:04 - 00:20:15
And grief challenges our faith on so many levels. It challenges our spirituality. What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? What's my purpose?
Victoria Volk
00:20:15 - 00:20:43
What it what can't I explain? Why did this happen? But spirituality and tuning into ourself, connecting with ourselves, it helps us to understand and accept, I think, that there are just things that we just will never know the answer to and to allow that to be okay. I still don't know why my dad died at the age of 44. And people will say, well, it's it is what it is.
Victoria Volk
00:20:43 - 00:21:13
That's just the part of life. Death is just a part of life. And I'll tell you, I know people who have said that. And what I can connect though to the people who have said that, is they have yet to have their life completely upended. And so that is what I will say is the gift in grief, is an immense deep well of compassion, not only for myself, but for others who have had their life completely upended.
Victoria Volk
00:21:13 - 00:21:34
And this is an aspect, I wanna share that it's important for you to think about who you're taking your advice from. Who are you holding within your circle to hold space for you. Not everybody can do that. Not everybody is emotionally available to do that because they're in the middle of their own shit storm, and to let that be okay. Not to blame.
Victoria Volk
00:21:35 - 00:21:47
Not to hold resentment. Everything starts from the top up in your life. And at the very top is you. Shit trickles down, my friend. That's how it is in the military.
Victoria Volk
00:21:47 - 00:22:09
That's how it is in Corporations. If you have a leader that is not leading that trickles down and so the common denominator in your grief story is you. And so everything that happens in your life and the choices that you make, all originate with you. And so today and moving forward on this Ash Wednesday.
Victoria Volk
00:22:10 - 00:22:40
I wanna remind you that you are dust, and to dust, you will return. We all will. What do you wanna do in your life and accomplish in your life before that happens. How do you wanna nurture the love within you, The relationship that you have with yourself before that happens. I wanna close today with a card I pulled from one of my oracle decks, postcards from spirit is what the deck is called.
Victoria Volk
00:22:40 - 00:23:05
Card I shuffled, and this random card fell out. I don't think it's random? It's apparently the message that you, my listener, somewhere out there, needs to hear. But it reads, dearest you, we are gathering our magic together to help you celebrate your new beginning. You're stepping into a new version of your life, getting to tell a new story as you recreate it.
Victoria Volk
00:23:05 - 00:23:50
Doesn't it feel like spring when the urge to expand wells up inside you from a primal place? The form of what you are growing has yet to take shape, and it is exciting to experience this new and fresh beginning. It's normal to feel both push and pushback when entering any kind of new relationship. It's okay to admit you don't really know what to expect. What you can know is it's time to dive in and allow that new version of life to take shape through you on behalf of your partner and life Spirit, you have made it to a new level of awakening and contributing, and we are so excited to see where this will take you next.
Victoria Volk
00:23:50 - 00:24:14
We're so proud of you. Well, friends, that concludes my riff for today. I hope it wasn't too jumbled and my thoughts weren't too scrambled and that you were able to glean something from something I said today, and that it serves you in your highest good. And until next time, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.