Today's episode of GrievingVoices takes a deep dive into the complex emotion of anger, especially for us Human Design Manifestor-types navigating loss and trauma. I open up about my battle with anger following life's curveballs and how it can be misunderstood or mishandled.
As someone who has walked through the fire of personal loss and trauma, I've learned firsthand how anger can be both destructive and transformative. It's not just an outburst; it’s a signal calling us to introspection.
Why does this affect me so deeply?
What boundaries have been crossed?
Many turn to short-term fixes or STERBs (short-term energy-relieving behaviors) like anger to cope with grief. But these are merely band-aids on deeper emotional wounds. The key lies in processing anger constructively. This isn't about suppressing emotions but rather understanding them—identifying what needs protection or restoration within ourselves before we react impulsively.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger should prompt introspection rather than projection onto others.
-Short-term coping mechanisms like STERBs provide temporary relief but do not address underlying emotional pain.
- Constructive processing of anger involves self-protection and restoration efforts.
- Emotional intelligence grows through understanding our reactions and setting healthy boundaries.
Establishing clear boundaries emerged as another critical theme. The absence of boundary-setting skills during childhood can lead to adult challenges such as unchecked anger. To navigate this complex terrain, the book "Boundaries" is recommended for those seeking guidance on creating and implementing boundaries.
Engagement with our emotions in real-time fosters balance and wellness. Tools like visualization and mindful breathing are practical strategies for dissipating anger without confrontation. We pave the way toward transformative life changes by embracing self-awareness and actively managing our emotions.
Join me in embracing self-awareness and mastering emotional management as pathways toward transforming our lives after loss.
RESOURCES:
Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code "GRIEVINGVOICES" to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
_______
NEED HELP?
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Today's episode of GrievingVoices takes a deep dive into the complex emotion of anger, especially for us Human Design Manifestor-types navigating loss and trauma. I open up about my battle with anger following life's curveballs and how it can be misunderstood or mishandled.
As someone who has walked through the fire of personal loss and trauma, I've learned firsthand how anger can be both destructive and transformative. It's not just an outburst; it’s a signal calling us to introspection.
Why does this affect me so deeply?
What boundaries have been crossed?
Many turn to short-term fixes or STERBs (short-term energy-relieving behaviors) like anger to cope with grief. But these are merely band-aids on deeper emotional wounds. The key lies in processing anger constructively. This isn't about suppressing emotions but rather understanding them—identifying what needs protection or restoration within ourselves before we react impulsively.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger should prompt introspection rather than projection onto others.
-Short-term coping mechanisms like STERBs provide temporary relief but do not address underlying emotional pain.
- Constructive processing of anger involves self-protection and restoration efforts.
- Emotional intelligence grows through understanding our reactions and setting healthy boundaries.
Establishing clear boundaries emerged as another critical theme. The absence of boundary-setting skills during childhood can lead to adult challenges such as unchecked anger. To navigate this complex terrain, the book "Boundaries" is recommended for those seeking guidance on creating and implementing boundaries.
Engagement with our emotions in real-time fosters balance and wellness. Tools like visualization and mindful breathing are practical strategies for dissipating anger without confrontation. We pave the way toward transformative life changes by embracing self-awareness and actively managing our emotions.
Join me in embracing self-awareness and mastering emotional management as pathways toward transforming our lives after loss.
RESOURCES:
Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code "GRIEVINGVOICES" to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
_______
NEED HELP?
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️, my twelve-week, one-on-one, in-person/online program for grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better. Click here to learn new tools, grief education, and the only evidence-based method for moving beyond the pain of grief.
Would you like to join the mission of Grieving Voices in normalizing grief and supporting hurting hearts everywhere? Become a supporter of the show HERE.
Victoria Volk
00:01:29 - 00:01:51
Hello friends. Welcome to another episode of Grieving Voices, if you've been listening all along. Today is episode 179, and that seems crazy to say.
Victoria Volk
00:01:51 - 00:02:16
This is the 179th time that I'm sitting down to record for you. And what a blessing and what a ride it's been, and so thank you for being here. And if this is your first time listening, I hope you come back for another episode. Today, I wanna talk about anger. And the question is, that a lot of grievers have.
Victoria Volk
00:02:18 - 00:03:19
It's something that I've personally struggled with a lot of my life. And, you know, in learning about human design and being a manifestor, our not self theme as a manifestor is anger. And so every time, you know, when I reflect on my past and my life up to this point, there's a lot of moments where I can distinctly remember where my anger got the best of me. And particularly with a grieving experience, you know, after my dad had passed away and then being molested, a year later and subsequently, later after that, I was holding a lot of anger in my body. There was no way for me to channel it.
Victoria Volk
00:03:19 - 00:03:47
And actually, it wasn't really an emotion that I learned was healthy. You know, so many of us grew up in homes where anger is expressed but yet we're shamed for it or, it's like something to keep to yourself. Right?, like, it's, you know, don't express it to other people because, I mean, it's hurt it can be hurtful too. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:03:47 - 00:04:46
Like anger projected onto other people can Inflict emotional wounds on others. We can be very, what's the word? Victimizing of others with our anger, and also, we're also suffering when we do that because I believe that we are all sparks of love and light, and, you know, we come into this world in love, and I believe we go out of this world in love and so I would say anger is a not love theme too for all of us, but it's there to serve a purpose, I believe, as well. Anger shows us where we have some work to do on ourselves. Not where other people need to work on themselves or where other people need to heal something within us.
Victoria Volk
00:04:47 - 00:05:30
I think when anger comes up, it is like a stop sign like, woah, hold the bus. Why is this upsetting me? Why do I feel activated by you or this conversation or this thing you did or the feelings that I'm feeling, why am I feeling fired up inside? Why am I feeling passionate about this that, you know, it can come up as anger too when we feel like this injustice is being done or I mean, there's plenty of that around the world right now, and we can feel angry about it. We can feel angry at God for the suffering that we experience in our lives, like I was for many years.
Victoria Volk
00:05:32 - 00:06:03
Why would God allow such, you know, things to happen. Why would God take a young child's parent away? Why would God allow sexual abuse of children. There's so many questions that come up within our grief and our trauma, and the anger can be so overwhelming and all consuming. We have nowhere to put it.
Victoria Volk
00:06:03 - 00:06:52
We don't know what to do with it. And I can't talk about anger without talking about STERBS or short term energy relieving behaviors, which is what we call them in grief recovery. These are things that we do as gravers to relieve or dispel this overwhelming build up of emotional energy that is caused by the death of a person for whom we are grieving or something someone did to us. And the problem with STERBs is that that's their short-term. There's no long-term relief when we just use up energy to distract ourselves from our pain.
Victoria Volk
00:06:53 - 00:07:23
It doesn't make the pain go away. And one of the most common short-term relievers is anger. And the problem with anger is that you can never finish or complete it. It's like this key it keeps looping like a hamster on a wheel. And the more time you spend using your energy to express the anger, you know, and lashing out to the other person or even taking it to the gym.
Victoria Volk
00:07:23 - 00:08:08
Right?, And just was going to town on a on a punching bag, the less time you spend on what would help you discover and resolve what was left emotionally unfinished for you, either by the death of a loved one or by not addressing what is really at the crux of whatever loss it is that you experienced. And the other issues, with STERBS, we can, you know, related to sterbs and anger is, you know, we want we wanna get rid of that anger. We don't know what to do with it. We wanna get rid of it, but so what we do is we just kind of attempt to disassociate ourselves from it.
Victoria Volk
00:08:08 - 00:08:44
Like, I just need to get away from the situation. I just need to try and forget about it. And so we start, we might actually slip into these other these other emotions come into play. Right? And then we can feel depressed about where we are in our situation, and we might be sleeping more and spending endless hours watching TV or reading novels that help us escape from our day to day lives and our emotions that we're experiencing such as strong emotions of anger and, of course, grief.
Victoria Volk
00:08:45 - 00:09:33
But those nonaction activities do nothing to help you discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for you? It's with action that you can turn things around. Being able to find the language and articulate what it is that you are angry about. And often, so often, anger shows us, and doing the the steps of grief recovery show us where we don't have boundaries or where a boundary has been violated. Before we get on the topic of boundaries, I have a shout-out for my sponsor of this episode, Magic Mind.
Victoria Volk
00:09:33 - 00:10:15
You take it alongside your usual morning coffee or tea for 7 plus hours of flow. It benefits will build up with consecutive daily use, and most people feel 90% of the effects by day 3. And if you have a sensitive stomach, you can take it with a bit of food or a glass of water. And if matcha taste is not for you, you can try it with your favorite milk or add it to sparkling water. I personally enjoy the taste of Magic Mind, I think it's got just a hint of a sweet taste in this little 2 ounce shot, but it's filled with magical twelve active ingredients scientifically proven to provide sustainable energy, improve focus, and decrease stress and anxiety.
Victoria Volk
00:10:16 - 00:10:40
One shot gets you into your most productive flow state. Customers report a 40% boost to productivity on average. They say athletes have gatorade and now creators have creator aid. And so I just wanna give a shout out to them. And if you are listening to this and you wanna give it a try, they have a special promotion right now for my listeners only in January.
Victoria Volk
00:10:41 - 00:11:15
You get 1 month for free when you subscribe for 3 months at the go to the website, magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices. That's magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices and use my code grieving voices, and that gets you an extra 20% off, which gets you to a total of 75% off. And remember, this only lasts until the end of January, so hurry up before this offer goes away. And I hope that you find it just as useful for you as I have in my morning routine. Alright.
Victoria Volk
00:11:15 - 00:11:52
Back to the episode and talking about boundaries. Alright. So far, we've talked about anger as being a stirr up, a short-term energy relieving behavior. And I've mentioned how when anger arises within ourselves and we feel it coming up in our body and rising up, it's usually in response to something someone did or something someone said or something that we're really activated by. It could be something even we're passionate about, maybe even in injustice in the world, and when we feel this coming up within us, it's coming up for to be in within our awareness.
Victoria Volk
00:11:53 - 00:13:31
And, really, the question we could be asking ourselves when we are feeling anger is, a, what must be protected, and b, What must be restored? These are two questions you can ask yourself when you're feeling activated with anger. And you can choose to either respond to the other person if they've said or done something towards you, but really that's not going to resolve anything that will probably make that other person just feel defensive and, you know, unless they're emotionally intelligent and have worked so much on themselves and have addressed so much anger in their life, they're likely to respond like most of society would respond, and that would be in a defensive pattern, with probably more anger back towards you. And then not only is it something that you're angry about what they just said or did, but now It's even severed that relationship or hindered or wounded that relationship even more. So we deepen these wounds when we don't stop long enough to think about and have some introspection about why we're angry and what is it that is bringing up so much disease within us, this fiery response that we feel in every cell of our our bodies that, you know, we feel like we just gotta punch something or we want to we have to like we have to do something with this activated energy.
Victoria Volk
00:13:32 - 00:14:24
And so we can either move it physically or you can move it with your mind. Right?, like, energetically. Like, I've learned a lot about this just in the energetics of emotions and The energy healing work that I've been doing and for my personal my own personal emotional hygiene is we can our minds are amazing, miraculous things and a tool that is sorely underestimated, but because we give it so much power that in circumstances like these when we're feeling angry and it's like poop, the monkey mind just takes over and we have this initial response and we don't pause long enough to and we don't pause long enough to check-in with our emotional body. And it is our emotional body responding to, like I said, these a boundary or something that needs to be protected or something that needs to be restored.
Victoria Volk
00:14:24 - 00:15:15
And so asking ourselves those questions can lead us to better answers. And so if you want to you can either physically move that energy with your mind or your body and then through your breath, which is underestimated as well. Like, we can you can take your your mind through this mental process of putting imagine when you feel activated by someone or something, imagine this fiery energy just surrounding you. Feel feel imagine yourself as like this flame and allowing it to intensify, allowing those emotions to intensify this flame that you're feeling, it seems counterintuitive, but just stay with me. So you feel this energy building up and this the fire within you and this boundary fire.
Victoria Volk
00:15:15 - 00:15:31
Right? Like, it let's let's think of it as active energy. Right? Because again, what needs to be protected? There's something within you that is being activated because there's a boundary being dishonored in some way.
Victoria Volk
00:15:31 - 00:15:52
You know, maybe it was you're bound you're maybe you value honesty, and this person just lied to you. That's gonna activate some anger within you, don't you think? Like, if that's a real high value for you. And the thing is honesty, and we talk about this in Youmap when we talk about values. Honesty is a reciprocal value.
Victoria Volk
00:15:52 - 00:16:20
We expect that other people are going to be honest. It's a typical reciprocal value, and so when others aren't honest with us, we get activated with anger. And so a response to that could be not spewing anger back at the person, but taking that energy and letting it just kinda rise up within you, see your energy field putting up this protective. This protective wall. Not a wall.
Victoria Volk
00:16:22 - 00:16:46
Barrier. We'll call it a barrier. Protective barrier around you. And see that energy building up, and then you can do it in your mind, or you can really walk away from the situation and do this or reflect on it later and do this on the situation. But through your breath, put out that fire.
Victoria Volk
00:16:46 - 00:17:08
Like, imagine you're, like, spitting water on this fire, And you can literally dissolve that anger that you felt in that moment that is built up within you, that you're feeling this energy. Put it out with your breath, but imagine that breath as water because what does oxygen do? It stokes a fire. Right? We wanna put it out.
Victoria Volk
00:17:08 - 00:17:53
So imagine you're just blowing water onto this fire, this flame. It's crazy how these visualizations can shift your energetic body in a matter of moments. The mind is so capable that we underestimate it so much. A visual I use a lot of visualizations in the energy work that I do just because it helps people connect to a part of themselves they don't normally connect to. We just don't take that, and that's where meditation is huge in disconnecting, you know, our monkey mind from our body and tapping into the body and tapping into the emotional body.
Victoria Volk
00:17:54 - 00:18:48
So then after we've done this, we can then recognize what are the boundaries that were being violated we're dishonored. I think it's so hard for people to articulate what their boundaries are because so many of us grew up without our autonomy, without our boundaries being respected, for example, let's say you're at a family function. Let's say when you were a kid, you're at a family function, and I see this I've seen this myself a lot. And at first, I did this when my kids were young too. Oh, give so and so a hug, or let grandma give you a hug and kiss on the cheek, or whatever the case was, and they didn't want that physical touch in that moment and said no, or I don't want to give grandma a hug, or I don't want to give my uncle a hug, or aunt, or whoever it is, it doesn't matter.
Victoria Volk
00:18:49 - 00:19:15
And the child says no, and the parent dishonors that no, and makes them do that anyway, that is a violation of a boundary that a child had and where their no wasn't respected. Now if you're listening to this and you're like, oh my gosh. This happened to me all the time Think about if you're a parent, have you done this? Like, this is something we learn.
Victoria Volk
00:19:15 - 00:19:50
Right? This is a pattern that we continue through time, but we don't think of these things as laying a foundation of not respecting our own boundaries. So then you become an adult who becomes a people pleaser to make others so others feel better. So it's almost as if, well, go give grandma a hug now because she'll feel better. She'll be happier, regardless of how you feel about it.
Victoria Volk
00:19:50 - 00:20:21
Now how does this translate as an adult? Saying yes when you mean no. It's a violation of your own boundary of protecting your personal space. And sometimes you might feel just fine giving the hug or showing the other person affection, but maybe there's a moment where you don't. The last thing anybody wants is to be forced to do so and to not have our no respected.
Victoria Volk
00:20:22 - 00:21:21
And so then when you think about sexual abuse or things like that, well, that's a definite violation of personal space and safety and all of these other things that create these traumatic emotional wounds around boundaries. So many of us don't wouldn't know a boundary if it slapped us in the face. And then when we have others in our lives who start having this awareness around boundaries, who know themselves well, and who know their needs and desires and where they draw the line well and start implementing boundaries to others and communicating those, what do you think people are met with boundaries? Or when it's perceived as well, what's this change about? Like, what when you start Implementing boundaries in your life?
Victoria Volk
00:21:21 - 00:21:30
You're gonna have people that are gonna be activated by that. Right? You're changed. There's something different. I don't like this.
Victoria Volk
00:21:31 - 00:21:58
Why aren't you letting me walk all over you like you used to? Right? I used to be able to control you, and now, you have these boundaries and now you're standing up for yourself and I don't know what to do with this. This makes me angry. So we can meet anger too just by creating boundaries, and how are we gonna be prepared for that?
Victoria Volk
00:21:59 - 00:22:42
When it comes to boundaries, I highly recommend The book "Boundaries", I've actually it's been several years since I've read it, but, I think I'm going to actually, read it again. I actually, I read it after I went through grief recovery. Because like I said, it's a great follow-up to grief recovery because you realize in grief recovery where you did not have boundaries and where your parents did not teach you about boundaries because, you know, they probably didn't even have their own. Right? It's like, you know, parents with a date night if parents never have a date night, and they're always with their children 247.
Victoria Volk
00:22:42 - 00:22:55
And then, all of a sudden, they decide they're gonna have a date night. What do you think that child's gonna feel? Maybe some anger? Maybe some abandonment. Like, why are you doing this now?
Victoria Volk
00:22:55 - 00:23:14
I want you to stay with me. You've always been with me. Now all of a sudden you're gonna go out and you're gonna spend time alone, and I'm gonna be here by myself or with this babysitter, and it's probably gonna bring him some anger. But that's a good thing. This is how we learn how to work with our emotions, that all emotions are valid.
Victoria Volk
00:23:14 - 00:23:49
So it's not to say to the child, well, there's nothing to be angry about, and dismiss the anger. Rather, explain to the child about boundaries. Rather, teach the child how to breathe through their anger, how to channel it physically or, you know, with their breath or physically with their body to rid themselves of that energy. These are practical things that we just are never taught in school. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:23:49 - 00:24:11
About boundaries, about anger, about our emotions. I mean, we are so complex when it comes to our emotions. This stuff isn't taught in school. So I hope you check into the resource, the book boundaries. It has a little bit of a Christian spin, but it's not like shoved down your throat or anything.
Victoria Volk
00:24:12 - 00:25:28
But I hope you check out that book Boundaries., I will link to it in the show notes. And Just one final thought about anger is that and just like grief, you cannot relate to another person, if you don't know who you are or where you began and that other person ends, just as you cannot nurture peace or honor the needs of others until you understand and meet your own needs. And that relates to anger, that relates to grief, and that relates to just any emotion that you're experiencing and the boundaries that you may or may not have. And I think that's been I think that's one of my missions too, along with changing the conversation around grief and talking about it like we talk about the weather is the mission of knowing yourself, understanding yourself, and putting yourself in the way of resources and people and tools and maybe guides or therapists or modalities that can get you closer to knowing yourself, identifying your emotional climate when it comes up, whether it be, well, this is grief, or this is anger, and what do you do with it?
Victoria Volk
00:25:28 - 00:25:54
You know, you can run away from it. It's gonna come up eventually, or you can just you can face it. You can address it, and you can do something about it. So it doesn't impact your life moving forward, because how many times have you had an anger outburst or an interaction with somebody that it left you feeling angry after. And you're thinking about it days later.
Victoria Volk
00:25:54 - 00:26:19
Days later. That's no good for you. That's no good for anybody. You know, so then you have these this emotional incompleteness with this other person now, and it's almost like this contract of anger that you have with this person, and I'm here to say that you can blow that up. You can do something about it without having to confront them.
Victoria Volk
00:26:20 - 00:26:35
And you can do it with your mind. You can do it with visualization. You can do it with writing and burn it. There are ways we can physically move through the emotions that are there for a reason. They are there communicating with you.
Victoria Volk
00:26:35 - 00:27:12
It is your body communicating with you, whether it's grief, whether it's anger, joy, sadness, everything in between. There are resource resources out there. You just gotta look for them and be open to learning. And that's what I will leave you with today. I hope you are curious now about the book "Boundaries" and about what boundaries might you not have and might you need and learning more about, you know, really just emotional equilibrium.
Victoria Volk
00:27:13 - 00:27:56
Right? It's not about stuffing down, controlling, or disregarding or minimizing or running away from, you know, we faith when you face this stuff as it arises, not like, oh, I'll deal with that later once I get this, that, and the other thing done, or I'll deal with that later once I just sit down and have a drink. That's not gonna help you, my friend. Your mind is a miraculous tool and a thing that I think most of us waste in a lot of ways. So, yeah, I'm just sharing some things that I've learned along the way, and I hope you find it helpful.
Victoria Volk
00:27:56 - 00:28:25
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.