Martika Whylly | Learning How to Grieve with Ease

They say it's unnatural for a parent to outlive and bury a child. Likewise, it's not natural for a child to bury their parent.

There is no hierarchy of loss. We all grieve at 100%, and there are no half-grievers. Therefore, all losses are felt at 100%, too. So, who's to say what loss is worse than the next? However, for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of a child who buries a parent. Often, there's another parent in the wings to comfort and console the child. But that's not always the case.

Martika's mother completed suicide when she was 15. And this experience followed a circumstance of abuse in the home at the hands of Martika's stepfather. So, by the time she experienced the death of her mother, she had plenty of grief she was trying to deal with already.

The loss of her mother would lead Martika down a dark path of suicidal ideation. All the while, her grandparents passed away, and she found her biological father. However, when she found her father, she learned he died two days before.

With the loss of everyone she cared about, though, she did gain a whole family - her biological father's family. But, as life does, it includes death, and Martika lost another special person in her life, her young cousin, by suicide.

Martika had to learn to surrender, and once she did, she found ways to strengthen her faith and spiritual life and gain a renewed sense of hope. She shares things that helped her along her path and lessons that have helped her to remain present while she longs for the after-party that awaits her when she'll be united with those she loves once again.

When the dominos of loss fall, perhaps it will help you to know that you can't kill energy, as Martika shared. You also can't take from someone who also has. And from Martika's experience, it is possible to grieve with ease.

RESOURCES:

• Book | Having Fun With God: A Book Report for Miss Winfrey
• Podcast | Grieve with Ease
• Book by Don Miguel Ruiz | The Mastery of Love

CONNECT:

• Website | Grieve with Ease
• Instagram
• LinkedIn
• Facebook

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NEED HELP?

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
• Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor

If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are

Transcript

Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Martika Whylly. She is an author podcaster and grief coach, her path to become a grief coach became clear sometime after she wrote the book, having fun with God, a personal journey about death loss, and how she's handled grief that transcended into peace of mind. Thank you so much for being my guest today, Martika.

Martika Whylly 0:26
Thank you so much, Victoria for having me. It's an honor.

Victoria Volk 0:28
I know from reading just your information that you shared with me that and as you know, obviously, from your personal experience, and I as well. And for many guests that I've had on here, grief usually isn't just doesn't come once in our lifetime. And often, by the time we reach adulthood, we've maybe had several that we may not even think about, you know, a pet loss for one, in early in childhood is usually often a first loss. So let's start in your childhood, and the losses that you have experienced along the way and how they've shaped you.

Martika Whylly 1:04
Hmm, well, thank you for letting me share. My first loss was when I was 15 years old, and my mom committed suicide, I had no experience with death or loss at that time. So it hit me pretty hard. It was really didn't want to live anymore, I was quite suicidal. I had a divine experience that prevented me from killing myself. And, but her death kind of had a domino effect. Because her mom, my grandmother took her death pretty hard, I think she might have felt that guilty. You know, because there was, you know, events leading up to her committing suicide, you know, people sometimes do reach out for help. And, you know, if others don't see it as well, you can get over it, you know, it's not a big deal and that sort of thing. And then then they lose the third child, even though she was an adult, it was just a bit of a domino effect. Like my Nana, she had an asthma attack. And then, two years after her death, my my grandfather passed away, he just kind of gave up living. So it was like cataracts. And then it was, you know, his kidneys and it was his liver, you know, when once a major organ starts going in, you know, at the age of, you know, in his early 70s, you know, you know, when some of these kind of given up and that's they want to go right, you cannot try to save people in that aspect. You have to respect okay, that, you know, he would always say, you know, I've lived a good long life and, and here's what I want you to do with the money that you'll inherit and that sort of thing. And then about two years after my grandfather died, my uncle died in a car accident, he was pretty young, he was 42, which was interesting, because my mom was also 42 When she died. And so after my uncle passing, I realized, you know, I don't have a lot of family. On my mother's side. It's a smaller knit family. So I decided to find my father. My parents divorced when I was young, I was both three years old. And so in search of my father and I knew he had been he was at from the Bahamas. So he'd be in the Bahamas, some somewhere. And it's a fairly small compared to Canada. So I didn't think it'd be hard finding him. But it took two months to find him. And when I did, I was informed that he died two days ago. So I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. You know, I thought what, you know, I wondered about God, I'm not religious, but I do believe in spirit. So. But when my father had passed, that's when I realized I had, excuse me, four older sisters, and they had children. And so it was interesting. I had lost all of these people, it's family members, but then also gained family members. And you know, sitting with that, because the voice did say, God doesn't take away without giving back. And I thought, Okay, well that that makes sense. To me. At the time, I was still kind of devastated. But I got to meet all four my sisters and their children. And it was like instant family going from, you know, raised in a small knit family, to having like, several siblings and then their kids and then cousins and you know, just extended family. It was like, Whoa, trying to meet everyone. remember their names? It was it was it was quite, it was quite something it kind of took away from all the grief of the loss that I had. But then again in life, you just you never get away from it. You know, I thought after my my father had died, I wouldn't have to variants are lost for a while, you know. And then a few years, well, several years after my father died, my cousin Nicky committed suicide. She was 15. And she hung herself, I found her. And that was, again. very traumatic, because, you know, you're not expecting to find someone hanging there. And even though there were signs of her, you know, threatening to do something I didn't, I didn't believe that she would you know, how teenagers could don't want it to go on or on a runaway and then not coming back, you know, she was very rebellious. And so, yeah, that that took its toll on me, I instead of getting therapy or counseling, I took off to the Bahamas, I just wanted out of Canada, just away from it all.

Martika Whylly 5:54
And learned about, you know, my roots, my my father's side, since, you know, he wasn't around, I still have family there. And it wasn't until I came back from the Bahamas in 2006, actually, that he actually started writing, it was automatic writing, there was, you know, I felt like I was being used, like spirit was using me to write. And with that came the book, having fun with God, and a lot of forgiveness, a lot of healing, a lot of understanding, peace of mind. Like, it was the greatest gift. It was better than, you know, I mean, counselling is good, but at that time, I just wasn't feeling feeling the need for it. But I thought the writing to be super therapeutic, I did not know that no one told me, Hey, do some writing, you know, even if it's journaling, you know, writing what you're grateful for, or just how you feel, even if you're angry, sometimes my writing wouldn't be writing, it would just be a bunch of lines that have been very angrily marked on the page, you know, just to get some of that anger out. But it then it led me to helping others with their grief. I took a couple of courses in college, a one was just psychology 101. The other one was personal growth. But we touched on the stages of grief. And then we're we're to write about, you know, when we lost someone, and writing something out and reading it out loud to yourself as one thing, but then when you go to class, and you're asked to stand up in front of the class and read it out loud, well, yeah, emotions, big time. In course, I ran to my seat after I was done. I didn't want to take any questions. But people were amazed, like, how did you get through all that? And I thought, well, it must have been the grace of God. Because I mean, I was very suicidal. I was very reckless. I look back and I and I think about some of the things that I've done. And like, how did I have a look through that, you know, driving in a blizzard up north doing 120 kilometers an hour in the fast lane while everybody's driving slow? I just didn't give two flying figurines, you know, I'm like, whatever. If I die, that's okay. Like I just had a death wish. And I think people around me could see it because when my cousin Nikki died, some of the family friends thought it was me that had committed suicide. Yeah, so I thought okay, so y'all saw that a suicidal didn't do anything about it. That's really good to know. But sometimes people think, well, it's out of our hands or out of my hands, and whatever they're thinking, I mean, there's no judgment around it. But now it because I've started to thrive after talking to spirit, you know, how can I serve? What what do I know a lot about that experience that I can help others and a voice saying, you know, a lot about death and loss kept coming up. I didn't want to teach you about death and loss is heavily involved in the music industry. I have recorded a few songs. And you know, music was my life. It made me feel good. It's, you know, part of the healing process as well. But yeah, I just death and loss kept coming up. And you know, the music industry thing, you know, there was always a brick road at the end of the brick wall at the end of the road. So I kind of threw my hands up in the air and I said, Okay, you know, I'm here to serve you. Your wish is my command. I would say the universe, your wish is my command. So this is yeah. And of course, I've started a podcast about a year and a half ago and I speak to other psychologists, mediums, death, doulas caregivers and you know, discussing about ways to help others in their grief into sharing experiences and people that have overcome it, and overcoming meaning they're no longer in the depths of despair. They've taken that grief, and they have flourished from it. And I'm hoping that others that are feeling, you know, like, like they don't want to live anymore, that there is hope that they too can overcome these, these negative feelings or confused feelings.

Victoria Volk 10:14
Thank you so much for sharing all of that. And it is a lot. And a young life. Your mother died when you were 15. How old were you when you found your cousin Nikki?

Martika Whylly 10:27
I was 33.

Victoria Volk 10:29
Yeah I mean, that's a lot of loss. And that time, can I circle back to what you said about having a divine experience? Because I'm really curious about that. Can you speak to that a little bit?

Martika Whylly 10:41
Okay. Yeah, sure. Well, I guess it was about maybe a few days away, maybe maybe a week after my mom passed. I was first year of high school. She died about a week before the March Break. So I had that week off school for to grieve. And then then there was the March Break. And I was alone in the apartment. My stepfather was always a way he was, you know, at work or whatnot. And I just felt so empty. I felt like a walking corpse. You know, I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't imagine living without her. So we tend to sometimes follow people. Like if somebody has hung themselves, while we want to hang on, hang ourselves. My mom, she jumped off a bridge landed in the Provincial Park. And so we lived in a high rise building it was we lived on the 20th floor. And the windows didn't have screens on them, though we were fighting with the landlord about putting screens in because anyone could just fall out of there. And so I just opened the sliding window, and I stood in the frame and all it would have taken is one step. One step 20 stories I'd be with her. And I took that step and a force of some kind push me back into the living room. And a wave of this knowingness and peace came over me. And a voice said, You're not meant to follow and therefore must live on. And the feeling that I got from that was, it didn't matter what I did, there would always be something or someone to stop me from from ending my life. And it's funny, because in my late 20s, and 30s, I put to the test, I put myself in some dangerous situations to see if that was true. Sounds crazy, but when you're suicidal, like, you're no reckless, then you're willing. I knew physically, I could kill myself. So I just tried other ways. I tried to fend me God. According to Catholic religion, offending God is, you know, you go to Hades for that sort of thing. So I thought, Okay, well, hell, it's gotta be better than this place. So I would try to offend God through thoughts, deeds and actions. And a was, excuse me, I'm emotional. I'm living in downtown Toronto in my late 20s. And I used to stumble home from the bars at night. And this one evening, I remember, you know, going into my apartment thinking, why am I still here? How come I'm still alive, have not have I not offended you. And then I heard a voice saying, I love you unconditionally, you can never find. And that's when I knew that this God was truly unconditionally loving. And it didn't matter what I did. I mean, I could have went out and killed 1000s of people, and I still would have been loved. So I stopped attending, because it wasn't working. And I just kind of accepted the fate that you know, I'm still here. There's some reason why I did not know what that was. Because, you know, at that age, I was still kind of figuring things out. And so I just, you know, did a lot of meditating. I started reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, I read book, one, two, and three, several more of his books.

Martika Whylly 14:14
And that just kind of opened my mind a little bit more about our relationship with spirit. And so I just, I just started to, you know, to live more to because who knows when I'm going to go and so I better appreciate what I have. And just, you know, being able to talk to Spirit and not just that, but knowing that my mom is still with me spiritually. She she very much so. And, and I guess I think the more I acknowledge her the less she she sends signs. I know she's with the two systems sounds quite a bit to the mess with the lights, I guess you could say the flickering of lights, you know, I had to, you know, the ceiling light on and that was flickering on and off. So I tried to adjust it and it would get flickering. And I thought, well, something's wrong on the circuit board or something. So I turned it off and they put a lamp on well, then that started flickering and, and I and I said to her, I said, Mama, that's you. Thank you for letting me know you're here. But that's freaking me out. So stop, stop doing that. So she did. So she did. Now I have not gone to mediums to talk about, you know, my mom or what she has to say or anything like that. Probably because I, you know, was open. And you know, she would show up and dreams, that sort of thing. But yeah, she's very much. You know, in my life. She's, she's, you know, they could be very influential, our loved ones on the other side. And it just goes to show you that, you know, you can't kill energy, we're spiritual beings having a human human experience. And we're immortal. So anyone says that we're mortal, and we're not. You know, we can be easily whatever. Well, that's the story but Spirit does live on. I've had my grandfather show up in the dream. I've had my uncle show up in a dream. I've had my father show up in dreams. And, and so anytime I see them in dreams, like if I'm feeling this one, one moment, I think it was around the time Nikki died, and I was feeling so sore. While I was just suffering. I've never felt such sorrow. I cried myself to sleep. But I don't remember ever doing that. Well, maybe when I was a kid, and I wanted to stay up late. But this was a real sorrow. And when I was sleeping in the dream, my father was lying next to me. And he had his hand on my, on my waist. And as I was waking up, he was fading away. And I had the most joyful feeling. It was like a one ad like going to bed circle crying myself to sleep, not knowing why I'm here. I can't kill myself, you know, why did Nikki get to kill herself and I didn't. I mean, I was really angry with God about a few things. And, and that morning, I was, I mean, I was skipping, like, I was like, Ooh, like, you know, like jubilation. And I remember calling my sister telling her, I said, I saw her dad, and he came to me last night. Because he came to her too. And you know, he would say to her, you know, everything is going to be okay, don't worry, everything's alright. Because my sister used to worry quite a bit. And so it's I find it comforting when they come to us and let us know that they're okay, and that they're watching over us and guiding us and helping us. So bad that, that that has helped me, you know, along with, as far as you know, grief, because No, I don't think anyone wants to stay in that kind of pain forever. But you know, they say in life, no pain, no gain, which is so true, to be happy all the time and content, we wouldn't grow, if that was the case. So pain really serves as a catalyst for growth. So once I understood that on a deeper level, I'm like, oh, okay, this all makes sense. To help me so that I can help others and you know, just become stronger.

Victoria Volk 18:36
I've been taking notes, because there's so many good things you mentioned. And I want to circle back to and I love how you said first that you can't kill energy, like, Okay, I've never heard that. No one's ever said that. You're the first person that's ever said it in that way, like about our loved ones who have departed, like their energy that resonates with me. I'm a Reiki Master, and I understand energy and things, but I'd never really thought of it in that way. Right? I want to ask you to so what was your relationship with God Spirit, whatever you call it, if you're listening to this, what was your relationship with that? That knowing right that you experienced after that moment of standing in the window? What was your relationship before that? Like, did you grow up in a faith based home and

Martika Whylly 19:28
Yeah, my mom was very into going to church every Sunday was with Catholic Catholic religion. And I used to talk to God all the time, and I would hear a voice answer me sometimes in this one particular moment, I was the first year of high school this would have been maybe months before my mom passed. Just as I was dozing off to go to sleep. I heard a voice say, what are the primary colors? And I thought about it for a moment I thought, hmm, red, yellow, blue. I thought about green. I thought no green is yellow and blue together, Orange? No, that's red and yellow together. So I thought Red, Yellow and Blue. And I heard that's right. And I thought, Well, why are you asking me this question? And I heard nothing. I went to sleep. You know, the next morning, the first class was our class. And the teacher asked, what are their primary colors? You know, I was too shy to answer that question. Even though I knew the answer. No one wanted to answer. We're so shy with teenagers are so cute and are so shy. Finally, somebody answered, and we're all like, you know, we all breathe a sigh of relief. But that was kind of our relationship like this. This one would help me out it would. Like my stepfather, for example, was very abusive. Okay, he used to hit us. And I heard a voice say, The next time He comes out, you run to the front door and go down the stairs. And I did. I did when he tried to come after me. Do you know that he stopped

Martika Whylly 21:00
abusing me after that? And so I don't know whether at that time, I would call it God. I did not know what that voice was. Because according to the Catholic priest at that time, saying, if you're hearing a voice, then it's probably the devil tricking you. You had to be ordained, you had to be male. I mean, it wasn't said straight out like that. But that's what the feeling you got. So I remember going home from church one time and asking it, are you the devil? I need to know and that I got no answer. So I came off my bed and I was walking into my room and I heard that the devil. And I thought, even if you are, you're you're good. You're you don't say anything, you know, to me, for me to do anything harmful to anyone. But after my mom died, the relationship I had with God was a little strange. I thought God had a weird sense of humor, because I did pray for God to help my mom get out of the marriage. And she did. She did get out. But it took her life. And I felt very angry. I used to play a song by Depeche Mode called blaspheme blasphemous rumors, and the chorus went, I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors. But I think that God's got a sixth sense of humor. And when I die, I could I expect to find him laughing. And I would play that song over and over again. And I'd say, God, this one's for you. Yeah, and I would dedicate to God every time. And it was just a stranger. And for a while, I just didn't believe knowledge. And of course, I stopped going to church, because according to Catholic religion, committing suicide is a is a sin and you go to straight to hell, I never believed my mom went to hell, for wanting to get out of a terrible relationship. So I rejected a lot of what was being said, and I was always kind of, some of it didn't make any any sense to me. You know, for example, you know, apps, abstaining from sex priests are not allowed to have sexual intercourse. And I thought, well, we're sexual beings. How are they? If there was, if there were pressing that, I mean, I didn't know anything at you know, 1011 15, whatever years old. But my intuition was saying that would probably breed abnormal sexual behavior. And then, of course, it started to come out in my early 20s movie called The boys of St. Vincent, which was a believe a Canadian man made for TV movie, and it was about men in their 40s coming out, they were Ultra boys, they were molested by the priest. And that did not surprise me. I did not watch the movie because it just I couldn't. I just couldn't, you know, just to thought of it just and then I just left the religion after that, because there were too many contradictions. It didn't make sense. And I didn't believe that's how God was. But now I have a better relationship with spirit. I do talk to God all the time. Whether you call it Jah, Allah, Buddha, Allah, it's the same thing. It's spirit source energy. And but yeah, I just turned to it all the time for guidance and wisdom because the world is pretty darn crazy. And yeah, I think it's so important to listen to your intuition which is spirit talking to that feeling that gut feeling that hunch, whatever you want to call it, because anytime I don't listen to it, I kick myself. Why did I lock the door before I left now somebody's broken in. You know, I never liked it before but that one morning and so they should lock it? No, no, I never have seen before. And that's what happened. Now nothing was taken and even if something was taken, spirit would remind me can't take anything that you can't take from someone who always hacks and so if somebody takes something from me spirit, what that voice would say you can't take from someone who always has and they obviously needed it more than you Did so you just kind of let it go?

Victoria Volk 25:02
I love that. What do you think has been the greatest teacher of your grief? And in all of this?

Martika Whylly 25:11
That's a good question the thing gone that probably we're all gonna go that we don't know when though I mean, it's we assume that when we're older that we're going to go before somebody who's younger. And that's always not the case. That's not always the case I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or some kind of freak accident or have a reaction to something I never thought I would you know, but just knowing that we are spiritual beings. And that we we do still live on we're still creating in the afterlife because I've had conversations with people that Oh, once I'm dead, I'm dead. I'm like, Okay, well, you're gonna be one of those ghosts, people, you know, that just go into the light. That's where all the fun is. That's where God is I've experienced

Martika Whylly 26:00
The light, more than one occasion. And most people that have experienced it will say they're not afraid of death. It's like, the easiest thing to do. You know, it's like a breath of fresh air when teacher was saying it's like, you know, loosening up a tight shoe. It's my experience of it, because I was so you know, really wanting to go home. I didn't want to be here. And I'd always talk to God, like, why am Come on, you've got all these children, you know, you don't need all of us here. Like, can I not go home and I did have a glimpse of it. I think spirit was like, Okay, well give me a taste test. It was amazing. All I saw was nothing but light. It was like a soft yellow, but it was everywhere. And that's all I saw. And that's and I was I had no body, I was formless. I didn't have to worry about dressing or eating or paying bills, you know, being anywhere at a certain time. It was amazing. I mean, the words, words are so limiting, compared to the experience. And ever since then, to be honest, I was a little bit more suicidal. And I wasn't sure if God was just having fun with me. Like, let's see how this one reacts, you know, give her a taste test, you know, kind of peeking at your Christmas presents the night before and getting really all excited about it. It's really something to look forward to. I know that sounds morbid, but who really wants to live to be 150 You know, when your body starts to you can't do anything anymore. So you kind of want that. You just want to be able to experience just going home. And the other thing too, and this was from my father's passing. We all get a homecoming party. My father about two days after he died came to me in a cloud. And he had his arm stretched out as if to embrace me. And of course, at that time, I was still angry with him. So I pushed him away. But then he's very determined he came back a few days later. And in the dream he was we were in the kitchen, he was leaning against the counter with the sink, and I was leaning against the other counter. It's an L shaped counter. And I looked behind where the dining room table was. And there was empty dishes. You know, they were filled, there was crumbs, there was a bit of sauce leftover. And then when I looked around the living room, all the furniture had been pushed against the wall. And there were balloons and streamers and empty glasses and bottles. You could tell a party had taken place. And I looked at him. And I realized, you know, he was trying to invite me to his homecoming party. And I said to them, I'm so sorry, Mr. Party because of my anger. And he said that's okay, you're here now, you know, you're you made it to the after party. And I said, Yeah, that's right. This is out to the party. And And once that once I forgave him, I started feeling hungry said Is there any anything left over he says no, all foods been eaten, but there's a bit of popcorn in that bowl behind you. And I looked and there was there was a bowl of popcorn there. And I'm not a huge popcorn eater. And so I looked at the popcorn. I thought popcorn for breakfast because it was morning time. And I said What kind of father you are for your daughter popcorn for breakfast and then he went off about this popcorn for breakfast. And he stormed out of the kitchen. He says You're so stubborn and I said where do you think I get it from in the dream ended? I woke up. Do you believe it? I was like even though we had a little bit of a spat. It was just, you know, when people spat it's really their way of loving each other. You know, you see the love behind all the bickering and I thought wow, I saw my father again. That was awesome. And I have now experienced that we do have a homecoming party because I've heard it before in other readings if you will other programs that the will have conversations of people that have challenged, channeled other spirits saying yes, we get a homecoming party. And so I'm looking forward to mine. I think it'd be awesome. Everyone's gonna be there and everyone's invited. Yeah. Yeah, this homecoming party.

Victoria Volk 30:13
So how do you live with that deep desire to go home?

Martika Whylly 30:18
Oh, well, it's a well, I tried to remind myself to enjoy this moment, enjoy why I'm here and really kind of do what I'm supposed to do here, if that makes any sense. And sometimes I know, and sometimes I don't know. Because I think when you make a command to the universe, to spirit use me, you have no idea. Like when I first said that use me when I was 23, because I had seen the light I had had a glimpse of it, this book came out having fun with God. And honestly, there was a day that I kind of I was in a trance, mostly writing it. But one one afternoon I said, Okay, wait a minute, why? Why am I writing? Why? Why aren't I in the studio producing a genre of music? That's no one's ever heard of that, that everyone loves, you know, instead of writing. And then that voice said, while you said I could use you, and I and I totally forgotten, because years had passed, I was in my 20s. Now I'm in my 30s when I was writing, or 40s. And I thought, I said to spirit, I said, But you know, we can reach more people through music than we can through words. And I heard nothing. And I thought, okay, so you want to write fine. And so I continued writing. And I've been since then keep saying use me use me. So I have no idea what that's going to look like. When you when you make a command like that. Because life is always listening. Spirit always hears us and answers our prayers, your wish is my command. And so it's interesting, I have no idea. All I know is that I enjoy doing the podcasting. I enjoy counseling people with their grief, I enjoy, you know, cleaning and helping those who can't do for themselves. And who knows where the I mean, I have my own desires and my own plans in my head. But spirit has a way of saying forget that. Here's what we're going to do instead. So I'm just kind of going with the godly flow, if you will, I do make plans. But then, you know, that doesn't mean it's going to happen. So I really don't know, you know, how much longer I have or, I mean, I still have the next book to write. In this book. I do give a sample of the book to come, which I still haven't written yet. I need to get that done. But I've also written children's books, there's not a they're not out yet. You know, everything kind of takes time and money. So but yeah, right now, in this moment? Yeah, I've been asking for a lot of guidance and wisdom, because of all the changes that have been going on in the world. And you know, what my role is? How can I help others with their grief?

Victoria Volk 32:59
May I ask? Because I'm just personally curious, how has all of this loss in your life and obviously your deep relationship with spirit or God, how is that translated into? This might seem like a weird question, but I don't know why I'm asking this honestly. But how has that translated into intimacy and relationships with people? Because I curious about that. Because I think what sometimes, what I wonder, too, is when people have such a really strong faith, right, really strong faith. Sometimes people can say to other Grievers, just pray about it, or, you know, and but praying doesn't, you know, there's like, it's an action, right, you're taking an action, but you don't get the answer, right. You don't necessarily get the answer of what to do next, or and I know, it's like listening to your intuition. And you had said, like, your intuition is really Spirit coming through you. But how is all of this and that deep relationship with spirit translated to because I, what I think can happen sometimes is that we, we get comfortable. And then it can also become a barrier, or like this wall that we put up to other people for intimacy, right. And I'm not talking like love relationships only, although that's included, but like deep intimacy, because when you've had so much loss you can you know what I mean? Be afraid to let yourself connect with people because of out of fear of losing them, too, right?

Martika Whylly 34:44
Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've been through that. I've been through that too. I don't want to get too close to people because of you know, you might lose them. Yeah. So I think I've experienced that but then that intuition will be saying to me, well, then you're never going to have really good really internships if you live like that, that's not living either. You can't be afraid that everyone around you is going to die constantly be in constant fear of that. So I just try to enjoy the moment as much as I can to look at the person and before me and say, Wow, this is a unique individual this is there's no one like this person, this one, this one is God, also this person, whether they realize it or not, they're their own creators of their own lives. So I take try to take that all into consideration. But that is a good question. Because I did at one point, kind of distanced myself, I was accused of having a wall having walls up, you have a wall up, you know, someone would say I'm like, Yeah, okay. And what's your point? Obviously, I have it up because of protecting myself from the hurt from the pain. This is what you know, writing has helped me with, you know, kind of letting go of the fear, if you will, of someone close to me dying. You know, I mean, recently, I've had my cat dad pass away, and I didn't think he would die. So soon, I thought Ashley would go before Him because Ashley is older. But when I had three cats, so Tasha and Tasha passed, I thought, Okay, so now I'm down to two. And I thought Ashley would go next and that and you know, we can communicate with our cats. He said, No, I'll be next. And I ignored it. Because I'm thinking, Oh, he's talking crazy talk. But yes, he did go now. And he's come to my come to me my dreams. I commanded him to come. I demanded it. I need to see you. And three times he showed up, so he heard me they can hear us. They can hear us on the other side. Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah, sometimes I lost my mom, I can't find my bathing suit. Where's it in there was like I had a flash in my head of where it was. And that's where it was. So when you when you realize and it's just part of growing, it's for me, it's it helps ease the pain to know that they're still with us. They're not really gone. And to be able to talk to them and talk about them from time to time. I mean, some other people might be uncomfortable, but I'm not uncomfortable talking about my mom or dad. You know, I used to be a joke. You know, when people say, Well, where are your parents? And I would say, Well, they both passed, and I say, Well, Mom, I'm an orphan who wants to adopt me. And just because, you know, people would get really serious and I wasn't in that mode. It wasn't in that state of being serious. I was in a state of really enjoying my life and enjoying this moment, you're gonna ask me about something that, you know, was in the past painful, you know, I sometimes make light of it. And then people just look at me like, maybe I'm insensitive. But again, when other people are thinking isn't really my main concern. I do sometimes do make light of it, you know. But yeah, it's just, you know, knowing that they're still there. Like my father haven't seen him in a while, but I think pretty sure he thinks Okay, she's alright, I'm gonna go off and do some of this work. Because I know her mom's there. You know, which is typical, right? Typical male off doing something else. While mother is always watching over. Yeah,

Victoria Volk 38:14
I know. Like, before we recorded you had mentioned, you know, your cats. And the one passing the two passing now. Right?

Martika Whylly 38:14
Yeah Well, yeah, Tasha passed four years ago, but it's dash passed a couple months ago. But Ashley looks like she she's an older cat. She's got the she kind of shakes a bit. You know, you when she said she thinks and try to get her ballot. So and I don't know how old she is, say adopted her at the Humane Society. And they, I don't know if they intentionally lied about her age, they might not have known. So they guessed maybe three months. She's a small cat. I thought she was still a kitten. But after you know, a few months and having her she went into heat, and I'm thinking I don't know, if kittens go into heat. And you know, but she was yeah, she was older. She's still the same size. She hasn't grown any bigger. So that's what I realized. Okay, so, and I've had her for what 16 going on 17 years now. So she's, she's up there. She's up there. But she's showing, she's showing the signs, you know, Gold Age. So I know it's just a matter of time. Before she goes, I don't want her to go either. I mean, who no one wants anybody going by that's really not very realistic, so

Victoria Volk 39:30
Well, and like we've talked about, the reason why too, I asked, and I kind of just alluded to, but like relationships with love relationships and how sometimes too, like pets can become this, this barrier to that intimacy in other relationships of because animals don't talk back, right? They don't disappoint you. They love unconditionally, you know, so that's kind of partly why I was going that direction in the conversation Do you have anything to share on that, that you're open to sharing?

Martika Whylly 40:04
Um, well, yeah, I mean, pets are great in that aspect. But then when you when you're dealing with people, and I remember reading this in the movie, and the book called the mastery of love that, you know, cats are who they are, you don't expect them to be like dogs. And that's how people are, you know, if somebody has a certain personality to think that they're going to change, do, you know another type of personalities, expecting the cat to be like a dog. So it's just about accepting people where they're at in their life, and not try to take what they say to you personally, and I'm still working on that. I mean, I mean, I'm still working progress. So I try not to make anything more than it is, I tried to kind of put myself first more and more, which I know others would say that's really selfish. But I've had way too many teachers that are very advanced, when it comes to spirituality say they all say the same thing. Put yourself first love yourself. First, everything begins from within. And once you get that, and kind of tune out all that, oh, you're supposed to look after me and do all that kind of stuff. looking out for number one is looking out for number two, because if you can't, you cannot feel from an empty cup, right? Or pour from them in an empty car. So I find when I'm doing this work, because I'm doing this work, I've had a lot of people and strangers even, you know, I'm really grateful for the work you do. And I'm like, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. So I try to make a point to say that to the guests that are on my podcast, who acknowledged there because it's not easy. It is not easy at all. It's very, very draining. I find in the evening times after a certain time, I'm not looking at emails, I'm not checking for messages. It's my time. Evening time is my time. And if you don't like it, well, I don't know. Just deal with it. It's just my time because I don't want to be a wake up the next day being irritable and bitchy. Because I've done that. I was with family. One time I spent a little month I think down in Florida visiting my sister. She's got all this a lot of family down there. And I remember feeling really irritated, irritable. And I thought I asked myself what's going on? Why are you irritable? Are you hungry? Do you need more sleep? If that? No. And then the question was, well, when was the last time you spent some me time, either Ah, that's what it is. I need to spend some quiet time to myself. And once I did that, I was Narrable anymore. You see what I'm saying? It's the same thing about being selfish and loving yourself first. So we've been taught to give, give, give, give, give, and put other people first and then yourself last. And it's so backwards. There's a lot of things we do in this society. That is bad words, for example, we should be mourning birth and celebrating death, instead of the other way around. But that's not going to change. We're so entrenched in our customs and fuel our beliefs, but it's true, we should always be celebrating death, although the reason why we mourn is because we're left behind. Like anytime I talk to God about, well, you know, a mentor of mine just passed not too long ago, and I've been still teary eyed about it. But I'm grateful for him. I mean, he has nothing to worry about anymore. You know, he's doesn't have to do anything. But you know, the What about the rest of us? Well, who's gonna guide us and lead us and who's going to tell us you know, you know, you know what to do or what not to do. And so, yeah, it just again, lights a bit of a fire under my butt to get out there and do what I need to do before because you don't know when your time is ready? You don't know. So I try it's balanced because there are relationships that have been a little bit toxic and like, Okay, do I reach out to that person or a little bit toxic, you know, I don't want to, you know, Ricochet back into now I've got a, you know, heal all over again, that sort of thing. So again, this is where I kind of go within and listen to that inner voice. Okay, what should I do about this situation? You know, how to how to how to handle this or that that sort of thing?

Victoria Volk 44:23
Can you speak to a little bit what you said about morning birth?

Martika Whylly 44:27
Oh, yeah. Well, by that, well, when we come into this physical realm, we're separated, if you will, from the light separated from that love that all encompassing love. And we're having to forget we're in this forgetfulness of who we are. And sometimes you can go through a whole lifetime and not remember who we are not even be awake. So that's what I mean by the morning and, you know, going through the trials and tribulations that we all go through, like I mean, some about some of the stories I've heard from other people are heartbreaking like this one young man who's lost his, his mother committed suicide. He's six months years old. So he never had that, you know, bond with his mom and I just My heart went out to I just wanted to give him a hug. And this is what I mean. And then and then when we pass, well, we're going right back home, we're going right back to the love. And so it's a wonderful experience. But we're not taught that in the society. We're not taught about it. We're taught to fear death. And when you when you don't fear death, really, it changes the game. I've had people like in a jokingly way, you know, because I'm short. And I'm little and you know, you get a coworker just messing with you saying we're going to do about it may stand over you, right. And I'm like, I smile and say, don't ever underestimate size. And they look at me like, oh my gosh, she's crazy. She doesn't have any fear, you know? And, yeah, but it takes it takes that fear away. When fear is gone, then you could live you can really live and you really, really live you know, and life does to seems to be more richer. When you release all that fear of what's around the corner, you know, when it's the fear of the unknown, but once you have a sneak peek, it tastes us if you will the other side and see how awesome it is. It never fear death for me, I wanted it more. But now Now, because that's been years ago, I still look forward to it. But it's not something I brag about and announce on a daily basis, because then people would start to think I'm suicidal again, which I'm not. I just know that. Well waits for us is some great reward. You know, it's it's awesome. And I always imagined my homecoming party. Everyone, everyone. Yeah, it'd be awesome. Like all the fam, you know, everyone that we know, personally, like famous people, you know, they're all They're all all of them welcoming us in the pets, the pets or the pets. I think about the pets. Yeah. So and this is my imagination. Of course, I I have no proof of any of this. But just what I've experienced. So this is why I look forward to it. But I don't want to go before my pets because then I'm concerned okay, well, you know, they're left behind who's gonna look after them? That sort of thing. So yeah, I stay around for I wouldn't want to leave them behind, or any unfinished work that I needed to do behind.

Victoria Volk 47:29
The vision that comes to my mind as I was listening to you talking is it just feels like we're adults in training pants. And we're all learning how to come back to that self love. And we're all learning how to embrace the unconditional love that is there waiting for us. And so many of us look to some outside source for that. And yeah, I just think we're all in these training pants of that's what life is is to help you to come back to yourself. And yeah, feel whole in that moment. When you do go to the other side. Perhaps Yeah. Do you consider yourself a highly sensitive person? Empath, highly sensitive?

Martika Whylly 48:17
Yeah, I never used to but I remember reading a few articles about you know what it is to be an empath the signs that feelings and I thought yep, that's yeah, that's, yeah, I can. I'm very sensitive. I remember calling one of my mom, she's I have when my mom died. I had inherited five moms. Okay. Two ads. Lady that helped raise me more one of my mom's best friend and another lady that adopted me when I was 20 years old. And it was 20. I said to her name's Diane. And I said, Diane, how old are you? She was I'm 31. I said, Well, I'm 20. That's only 11 years difference, because oh, let me have this. I've always wanted a data. You know, she has her Jamaican accent. And it was heard. I can feel her praying for me. It was one evening and I don't usually call her in the evenings. It's usually on weekends. But this one evening, I called her and twizzle. I was just praying for you. And I said, I know that's why I called. And there was silence. I said, you don't believe me, do you? Because she's kind of skeptical about that kind of stuff. A lot of people are. And because now I know I believe you and I'm like, okay, it doesn't matter. But I called because I felt you're praying for me. And I wanted to thank you. Yeah, so, but yeah.

Victoria Volk 49:30
Do you think you're a bit of a medium?

Martika Whylly 49:32
You know, I was talking to a lady that is a medium on my podcast, and I expressed an interest in getting to, to take a course on that and to just fine tune it because a lot of people that grieve the first person, they go to the medium, and then maybe they'll get the counseling or coaching. So but that's another thing I'm gonna look into is the medium the Because, yeah,

Victoria Volk 50:01
I think that's a lot of the reason why people do that is just from conversations I've had in the work that I've done. And my own personal experience is I think there's this a lot of incomplete feelings. Right. And so we're looking for some sort of closure. Resolution, not maybe Ness, closure may might not be the right word. But I think it brings comfort to a lot of people who might be skeptical. What's on the other side? Right? Like, it could be affirming for them, it could actually make people uncomfortable, like that was that was too much, right? I think you just have to be open to receive. And I think if you're going to a medium, you're obviously open to receiving something. Right. But yeah, you're obviously very open. And that's why you've done the things that you've done and had, you know, the experiences you've had, this is such a rich conversation. Thank you so much. Is there anything else that you would like to share with my audience?

Martika Whylly 51:07
Well, yes I guess when it comes to death and loss, that you're not alone. There there lots of resources. There's Facebook groups, there's probably maybe groups in the area. I don't know how things are in the States. I think you're in the States, and things are opened up, hopefully, because it's I think it's best to get together with people so you can get Hugs. Hugs are so therapeutic. Oh, my God, I love hugs. And so but yeah, just asking for the guidance asking for whatever you need, you will get this Ask and you shall receive. It's so so simple. Like for me, somebody read my book and said to me, Well, you You're really strong, you've got a lot of strength. And after she said that, I thought, Well, where did I get that? And I remember going back to that, and I like I asked for it. I didn't just ask for it. I demanded it. Oh, yeah, I demanded ultimate. Sometimes I just talked to God, like God's My servant, give me this. Well, and in a kind way that will just command the strength because I didn't have strength to carry on. And so I just commanded it. And, and that's where I got the strength, but you can command anything. Ask for anything.

Victoria Volk 52:20
In Grief Recovery, we talk about? Well, one of the myths of grief is Be strong. And it's something that, and I've asked the question lately on the podcast, like, what does it mean to be strong? Like, what does that really actually mean? Because we can be strong or we can be human? You know, we're not robots, and to put on a front that I'm fine, and I'm okay. When really inside were a mess, which is okay to write. So I guess what is your answer to that? Like, what does it mean to be strong?

Martika Whylly 52:55
That's a good question. I think it means acknowledging that you, you aren't always strong, that, you know, you're you're feeling the emotions and allowing the emotions instead of resisting it. You know, if you feel angry, it's okay, be angry, you know, punch a pillow, go for a walk, I don't know, do something that will help you relieve that energy, because it'll affect you physically. You don't want this ease. Not at this time. But yeah, it's it just means just allowing yourself to be how you're feeling. And knowing what you need and knowing also, to what your limitations are. I mean, there, there may be days when you just don't want to get out of bed. Honor it, honor your feelings, you know, we just honor what it is, whatever it is that you're feeling, because that is part of the healing. Healing is feeling or feeling is healing. Somebody said that to me once is so true feeling is healing. So for me, that is strength, just knowing what you need and how to honor yourself. And yeah, because some people, they have no clue of how to go about certain things. And but, you know, I do believe our loved ones and spirit are always with us, guiding us whether we realize it or not, we might not see the signs or feel them or sense them, or see them in dreams, but they're there. They're there.

Victoria Volk 54:19
So share a little bit where people can connect with you and find your work and work with you. And

Martika Whylly 54:26
Well, they can connect with me via email grievewithease@gmail.com to reach out I also have a website grievewithease.com.

Victoria Volk 54:37
Can they connect with you through your website? You have a contact? Okay,

Martika Whylly 54:40
Yes, I do have contact page on the website. I do have a book called having fun with God. You could either buy it on Amazon get the paperback or you can order get the free ebook on on the website. It's on the main page and your podcast. Yes, but it was forgotten. Yeah. And I do have a podcast in that's also everything's pretty much on the website. They do have all the podcasts you can listen to are on the website as well.

Victoria Volk 55:08
And I will put a link to that in the show notes and also to the couple of the resources you mentioned, as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story Martika and for being my guest today.

Martika Whylly 55:20
Well, thank you for having me. Thank you so much.

Victoria Volk 55:22
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.