Rachael Burns | The Space Inbetween

How would you live your life if a ticking time bomb was woven into the very fabric of your everyday life?

Would you carry on business as usual? Would you live like tomorrow is not guaranteed and chip away at your bucket list? 

Rachael's story isn't about a ticking time bomb that is in her body. Rather, it is about the ticking time bomb of grief that lies in wait due to the one her beloved has in his body. However, that is only part of Rachael's story. 

What if, newly married, you found out you were pregnant, but not only with one baby, but two! What are the odds?! 

But what if, a day later, your spouse has a seizure; soon after you find out he has brain cancer? And, not just any cancer - this kind is aggressive, it can never be completely surgically removed, and most people die within 18 months of diagnosis? 

The ripples of grief are felt deep and wide. And, when the love of your life, and the father of your children, are living with these odds, how do you truly live? 

Rachael's story doesn't stop there. She would find herself in her own health crisis after having the twins. Her kidneys were failing, her husband had to forego his chemo because she was in the hospital, and they were both faced with the question of what if something happened to them both? Who would take care of the babies? 

After the dust settled, processing all that had transpired has been a process all on its own as well. Grief isn't only about death. As Rachael's story illustrates, it's near-death experiences or living while death hangs around waiting to take you out that cause grief, too. 

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Transcript

Victoria Volk  0:00  
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host Victoria Volk, and today I have with me Rachel burns. She is the founder of true worth financial planning, which helps newly single women get their finances back on track after divorce or death of a spouse. Her passion for helping women in transition was inspired by her own experiences with grief after her husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. She is a certified financial planner and a certified divorce financial analyst. But most importantly, she's the mom of three year old twin boys. Busy, busy time. Thank you so much for giving your time to my audience today.

Rachael Burns  0:41  
Thank you, Victoria. Thanks for having me on.

Victoria Volk  0:43  
We have chatted briefly before and I'm excited to chat with you again and for you to share your story with my audience, because I've heard it a little bit, but we didn't get into the deep of it. And so I'm looking forward to that today. But what has been your experience with grief, up until what you're about to share today?

Rachael Burns  1:10  
Before my husband's diagnosis, my experience with grief was very limited. Fortunately, I had not experienced experienced much in the way of loss except for, you know, grandparents passing away and things like that, but nothing that really shook me to my core, like what I was about to experience. So I had been very fortunate to have a very boring life in that way up until then.

Victoria Volk  1:42  
How long were you married? When you and your husband got the news?

Rachael Burns  1:45  
We been married probably about two years when we found out when he was diagnosed. So it was still, you know, early, early in marriage. But we had been together for several years before that.

Victoria Volk  2:01  
Having children. Was that a conscious decision? Or I mean, I don't want to say where they oopsie you know what I mean? But because I think that would be a challenging thing, right? Do you? Do you take that path? Don't you take that path? Like what did that look like that decision making? And

Rachael Burns  2:18  
So we had them on purpose, we knew we were going to have one we I guess the second one was an Oopsie. Because they're twins. We didn't know we'd have to. But we had planned on having kids. But we found out we were pregnant. I think the day before he had his first seizure. So we didn't know he had brain cancer when we when we got pregnant. So basically, he comes home from work, I'm like I'm pregnant. And then the next day he had a seizure, and didn't tell me because he didn't want to overshadow the good news. And it was a relatively minor seizure. And so he wasn't super concerned about it, he went to the ER by himself and didn't tell me this is totally like my husband. And because he had had a relatively benign brain tumor when he was young. And so it wasn't like that alarming to him that he had a little seizure. So basically, we found out about these two things that are almost exactly the same time he was diagnosed. So we found out we were pregnant, found out he had a brain tumor, found out they were twins, and then found out it was not a low grade recurrence of his old tumor. It was super aggressive grade for glioblastoma. So all of this news we got at almost the exact same time.

Victoria Volk  3:37  
Wow. What are the chances you must have asked yourself that a million times like what are the chances like why?

Rachael Burns  3:44  
Yes, I thought about that. And I and then I kind of came to the conclusion that we are the one percenters we are the ones that all these really rare events happen to? It's like, what are the chances of having twins? What are the chances of having this brain cancer if literally, I mean, it was like, it was really bizarre. The odds of all of these things happening were so small that it was like, Well, of course it's going to happen to us because we're one percenters or point one percenters?

Victoria Volk  4:15  
So the tumor that he had as a child had that been removed? 

Rachael Burns  4:19  
Yes. So we he was 16. He had a grand mal seizure, and they immediately did surgery and removed the whole tumor. It was a low grade tumor, you know, they took it out because they don't want it in there. But it wasn't even really growing. Like they don't even know how long it had been there. So when it came back, it was in the exact same spot. And, again, they were like, oh, it's probably not a big deal. It's probably been growing very, very slowly all this time. But when they took it out, and they biopsied it, they realized it that wasn't the case. It was a it was a high grade tumor. and that type of tumor you don't, you don't ever get it all out. It's, it's like, has little tentacles that kind of grow through your brain and you can't see it on an MRI all the time. And it's not something you could ever completely remove. So very, very different situation than when he was young.

Victoria Volk  5:16  
So what was that like? Like your pregnancy? Like, I mean, that's it's stressful alone. I imagine hearing news like that, yeah. And planning for, because what the prognosis was what

Rachael Burns  5:28  
The prognosis was really bad when they told us that that's what what came back with the pathology. They said, Don't go online and don't google it. Because the odds are really, really bad. Like, you're going to be really depressed if you go online and look at the life expectancy, because statistically, life expectancy is an average of 18 months after diagnosis. And that's really like best case scenario, that's assuming that you're able to have a successful surgery and treatment with radiation and chemo best case scenario, you you maybe have 18 months to live after that, but a lot of people and people that I've met at the hospital or in waiting rooms for radiation, or whatever, a lot of people die after a couple of months after being diagnosed. So it's like a really, the prognosis was really bad. They, they said, you have some things in your favor, you're young, you have these certain genetic traits like that they were able to see when they did the pathology that they could tell that his case was, you know, it's still an aggressive cancer, but it's not as horrible as it could be. So there were like, you're probably going to be on the higher end of the range. But still, they gave us I mean, it was, it was like a couple of years, was the timeframe that they that they gave us. And so that was a difficult thing to process. And as they're telling us that I'm sitting there with my bagel belly, you know, I've got twins that are on the way there was so much. I mean, what we thought our life was in an instant change so much having the kids on the way just made it extra complicated. I mean, obviously, but and extra tragic. And it was just so much to process at one time,

Victoria Volk  7:24  
And even just having twins is risky to write. So yes, like, what is the risk to you, as a mother and I can't even imagine, give us a day in the life of what that was like. 

Rachael Burns  7:37  
So at that time, Rob had taken some time off work after because he they got him into surgery pretty quickly. And he started doing radiation right away. And I was still working, and just getting more and more pregnant by the day. So, you know, we're still trying to do normal, quote, unquote, normal stuff, I was still going to work and Rob wasn't allowed to drive because of his seizures. So I was taking him to radiation every morning before work, and dropping them off. And then you know, leaving for work worrying about him having a seizure when he's home, alone. And, you know, I'd go to work, I try to get everything done, I tried to be as normal as I could, but it was, it was just, it was just insane to like manage the treatment, you know, the the logistics of the treatment, but then also just managing the emotions and the fear and, and trying to support him. And it was so overwhelming that you just kind of go into shock. And you kind of don't even realize, you just you just kind of go into survival mode, and you're not really feeling anything because you're just like so overwhelmed that I just kind of went into autopilot and did what I had to do to get through each day. Until Until the kids were born basically. And then that definitely shifted a lot of the focus off of his situation, which was kind of kind of a good thing for a little bit. But once the kids were born, then I had some major health issues. I had some pretty bad complications after they were born and was hospitalized for a couple of weeks. So Rob was home, he had to take a break from chemo, because he was home alone with the kids when I was in the hospital. Luckily, our moms were dropping in to help and stuff but like, we had to disrupt his treatment because I was in the hospital with like kidney failure and a pulmonary embolism and all of this like majorly life threatening postpartum stuff. And so he was freaking out thinking I was gonna die and then he was going to die. And then we would have these little babies that had no parents. You know, it's one thing to plan to try to grasp. Something happening to one of us but like Yeah. And that, that that fear was relatively short lived because I got stabilized fairly quickly. And after that, after I got home from the hospital, I was not in any imminent danger. But there was a time there were, like, we were worried about the kids being orphans, and, you know, needing our parents did raise them, or it was just like, wild, wild time.

Victoria Volk  10:24  
And you're sitting here and you're telling me about it, almost like it, it's a recipe. And, you know, I'm, I'm very curious, like, what was the day like, we're just all kind of hit you, and you allowed yourself to feel and get off autopilot.

Rachael Burns  10:45  
It took a, it took a couple of months after the kids were born, where I looked back and thought that was really bad. That was really, really dangerous. It was a really dangerous situation. might let me I mean, health wise, like that, that was as close to dying as I've ever come. And once I actually had some time to think about that, it scared me even more like how critical it was. And then, but then, like, thinking about my own health would make me feel like, this is small potatoes compared to what we're dealing with, with prob like, I'm, I'm gonna be fine. I will survive, but his situation is the same. And so is like, realizing what happened, like finally kind of feeling some feelings about it. And then quickly, remembering Oh, yeah, there's bigger stuff to worry about. And going back to like dealing with that. So there's just been, it's been like one thing after the other, and there's been so much going on that it really is hard to feel anything, because you have to deal with the next thing. Right away, and you don't even have like the bandwidth to like, acknowledge your feelings, which is kind of weird.

Victoria Volk  12:14  
Do you feel like that's true for you today?

Rachael Burns  12:17  
Yeah, it's, it's easy to it's easy to get wrapped up in the day to day stuff and stay distracted and kind of detached, that's easy, because just because of the amount of activity in our lives, but then it's hard. You know, when when I do when I do think about things, and I do remember things, and I do feel those feelings. It's like, well, what am I going to do with that? I can't, I mean, I can't fall apart, I can't flip out, I can't, I don't really have any option other than to just keep chugging along. And so it just becomes this like new reality where there's this, like, underlying stuff that we all know is there. But there's not a ton that can be done about it. So we just kind of pretend like it's not there, which may or may not be healthy.

Victoria Volk  13:13  
Do you feel like it's been impacting you or has impacted you, like physically your body or like emotionally psychologically?

Rachael Burns  13:23  
Yeah, it impacts everything. That kind of stress absolutely impacts your, your body and your physical health. And it's kind of hard to know what issues are stress related and what are, you know, leftover issues from having twins or, you know, COVID related stress and inactivity and all this stuff there. It's hard to know, it's hard to know, like how to attribute it, but But it's certainly impacted every single aspect of my life, physical, emotional, everything. It's just it's not always super obvious. But I mean, someone has to kind of beat it out of me a little bit.

Victoria Volk  14:11  
I don't know if you get the impression I'm trying to beat it out of you. I know. I am, I am needling a little bit. Because what I can relate to tiny, just tiny tiny is, you know, we had a family emergency health scare with our son recently and I recognize that autopilot where you you're shift your focus to what needs to be done and your energy to that other person and, and then when you get in the quiet of your own head, and in your own space, it's like roof like it just hits you and so have you had moments like that? And have you allowed that to wash over you and

Rachael Burns  14:57  
I haven't felt over overwhelmed with the grief and quite a while just because things feel pretty normal right now, he's my husband is not in any treatment, his tumor is not growing, it hasn't been growing for a while. He's going to work, he's acting normal. And it's easy to forget that that ever happened to kind of feels like, that was about dream, or that was a past life, or it's, it doesn't even feel like that was real. And I know that he and I deal with things very differently in how we express grief. And I'm someone who kind of verbalizes stuff. And he is someone who, who goes inward and needs to be quiet and not talk to people and doesn't want to acknowledge his emotions or talk about them. And so it's even if I wanted to talk about it, or express myself, that's not really someone that I can do that with, because that's not his style. And that would actually upset him. Because I, it might be more painful to him that I'm raising things to the surface, and he doesn't want to do that. And so, you know, you can only express that with certain people or in certain situations, but it's, I mean, for the most part that's not happening at home. So yeah, partially, it's like easy to kind of ignore and pretend like it's not happening. And then and then. And then even when I do remember, it's like, well, I don't know, I don't really have a ton of options and how and how I can deal with that. I have to keep going, I have to make things normal for my kids, I have to build my business and keep working and be in as good of a spot as I can in case something changes. And falling apart emotionally doesn't allow me to do that. So I just I kind of feel like well, I don't have the option of like, really flipping out. Even though I'd kind of like to sometimes.

Victoria Volk  17:22  
Do you channel that energy in a different way? Like, have you found a way that you can channel the energy that that emotion when it comes up or or even just to when it's not coming up. But just because I imagine there's some anger there, like, you know, just anger of this. It's this ongoing thing that you can never outrun? Right, you get out run it? And it's always just like you said, the undercurrent of it is there. Yeah, Have you have you found a way to channel your emotion.

Rachael Burns  17:22  
I don't know that I've channeled it but what what I have noticed myself doing is just getting more and more focused on work, like just it's all I've been thinking about and, you know, on the nights, weekends, whatever, I'm always just, like, really obsessing about work. And part of that is because I enjoy my work and part of it is that work needs to possibly support my family at some point. And part of it is I need to keep myself busy so I don't dwell too much on things. So that's not the only reason why but I do think that some of that energy gets channeled into the work just because it's something that I can control it's something that I can make positive changes in our life does make me feel like I am not powerless. I guess you're doing something. Yeah, like I'm being productive. I'm taking the right steps because you can't really be you know, with grief, it's not productive. You're not a comp, you're not like, Oh, I'm I've gotten this much grief out of the way so then I only have this much more. It's like it's it's it's always going to be there. It's not going away. But part of me feels like okay, I have to be doing something to make the situation better all the time.

Victoria Volk  19:21  
In Grief Recovery. One of the myths of grief is keeping busy. So I just want to you know, for anyone listening if they find themselves in your story, have it's one thing to because my husband he just last night, I'm nights weekends. I'm a hustler, I hustle maybe it's part of our personalities to like how we're wired right? To almost detach from what is happening and then pour energy into something that we feel like you said you can control it you have some say in What happens here? I don't have say a nap. But I have say in this right, yeah. And I find it interesting, the work that you're doing is with widowers. And so a part of their story, you obviously can relate to in a way that isn't exactly the same. But you understand this idea. I don't want to put words in your mouth. But I actually, you've expressed this before, briefly. But could you just articulate how your work is being influenced by your experience.

Rachael Burns  20:36  
While we were in the midst of everything, and while it was fresh, one thing that I remember is, obviously being overwhelmed with all sorts of parts of this problem that we had to deal with. And some of those were very practical things that we had to worry about. Some of those were, you know, just worries, but because of my background, in my career, you know, I'm a financial person, and have been for a long time. And so one thing that I didn't worry about at that time was anything financial related, because we had all the things in place that we were supposed to have in place, we were like the poster children of having an estate plan done and having the right insurance and all these things. And so when this happened, I didn't need to worry, oh, my god, like, if he can't work, what's gonna happen? Will you have disability income, if something happens to him can I like, there was a lot of practical parts of that, that I didn't have to worry about. And the the idea of needing to manage the finances on my own, if I needed to, did not bother me, because I have that background. But then I was thinking, you know, not everyone has that kind of background. And that, for a lot of people is a very, very big component of their stress and their fears. And that was something I didn't have to worry about. But I wanted to help other women, particularly who are in that situation, because that was something that I could at least offload for them, or help offload? You know, I can't make things go away, but I can, I can help them understand it and make a plan for the future, at least for their finances. So my goal was just to alleviate some stress from someone who's going through a difficult transition, whether that's someone died, they get divorced, they, you know, something unexpected happens when there's all sorts of transitions that can happen where we have grief associated with that someone doesn't have to die. But that's where I felt like I could relate to women that were in that situation, and I could offer them my financial knowledge, but also I my own experiences with that, that I think that helps give me a different perspective and helps give me helps me gives them better quality, support.

Victoria Volk  23:09  
And to me, it sounds like it's meaningful work to to as you're kind of journeying through this process with your husband.

Rachael Burns  23:19  
It is it absolutely is. And I had a feeling that would be meaningful, but I never knew just how much I would get out of it until I actually got into it. Because I've been a financial advisor for quite a while but didn't work with women in transition until everything had happened with our family. And I enjoyed my job before. But once I was working with women in that niche, I got a whole new level of satisfaction from helping women who really, really needed help, and I really identify with them and I have met just hearing their stories and learning about them as has just been such a amazing experience. Even though I've been working harder than I ever have before. It doesn't feel like work because it's so enjoyable, which is so weird, because a lot of the situations or difficult situations that I'm trying to help with, but it doesn't feel like work. It feels like I'm trying to help a friend. And that doesn't feel that doesn't feel like work. So it gives me a lot of energy to be doing the work that I really get a lot of joy from

Victoria Volk  24:34  
That's when you know you're aligned in what you're doing because yeah, like my husband said last night like Don't you get tired of looking at that computer? You know, like he has to literally almost like pull it away from me and I'm like, but it doesn't feel like work. Yeah, you know, I'm like creating posts, you know, for my Instagram about grief and, you know, sharing something that I think might be helpful or working on my newsletter or doing this podcast or doesn't matter what it is, if if I feel like it's serving someone, I get a lot of gratifying gratification from that. But I want to ask you to, because when I was a new mom, motherhood brings out like all of your insecurities known as entrepreneurship, you're like, you're you are where I was, feels like forever ago. And I remember what that time was like, and I personally was, felt like a basket case, right? Because I had grief that I had dealt with. I was, like I said, all my insecurities were coming up in my parenting and all that all these things, right. And so what I just can't imagine, like also trying to parent twins, first of all, but just trying to parent twins, parent in general, the parent twins, and, and having this undercurrent of concern, fear, all of those things, while trying to navigate all the feelings that are coming up being a mom, like, what does that look like for you.

Rachael Burns  26:15  
I feel like we had so many things going on that we're competing for attention, that it prevented us from obsessing too much about any one thing. So because of what was going on with my husband, it made me a little bit more relaxed. When it came to the kids. I think that if the brain tumor stuff had never happened, I honestly think I'd be a much more neurotic mom. Like, I think I would be panicking about the house being dirty, or about the kids eating something that's not organic, or like, I know how I was before all of this has happened. And it's one good thing that has come out of this experience is my priorities have changed. The things that I actually worry about, that list has gotten a lot shorter. Like it's just made me reassess what's actually worth worrying about. And so, because of that with the kids, I'm like, whatever, like, I'm doing the best that I can, I genuinely believe that like, this is a tough situation. In a lot of different ways. I'm doing the best I can, I just don't have the bandwidth to like, freak out about them. spilling stuff all over the carpet and permanently staining it. Like I'm just like, whatever, we have bigger fish to fry. But then at the same time, it goes the other way too. Like with Rob stuff, it's really easy to get lost in that kind of despair. But then I've got these like little kids running around, like hitting each other with fake swords. And it's like, Okay, I can't even focus on one thing long enough to like, really get upset about it. So we'll see what happens when the kids get a little older and aren't like when it's not as chaotic in my house.

Victoria Volk  28:10  
There you're keeping busy right now.

Rachael Burns  28:13  
Gosh, yeah, yeah. And then also, they just are so hilarious and sweet and wonderful that like there's so many joyful moments throughout the day that it really counterbalances the stress, or the or the worry, because you just can't not be in a good mood when you're around them. For the most part, they do like, scream and you know, they're like me press. But for the most part, there are really lovely little distraction.

Victoria Volk  28:48  
I just was thinking my son, we're talking about my son, he's going to be a senior in high school next year. And my husband's like, I just don't want to believe like, you know, it's, I just so remember, I just last night I was just last night I was going off to sleep and I was just like, just for a day I would love to go back in time. And just revel in their curiosity and their I could cry just thinking about it. How Yeah, just just how fast the time goes. And like you said, it's shifting your priorities. And so it's not even that they're this beautiful distraction. It's like they bring out something when they bring out your insecurities. They also bring out like the kid in you to write the things that you know, you want to get out your sword and pretend and chase and you know all of those things. And fortunately, my husband is like a big kid and that is still a thing in our house. Yeah, there's no such thing as boredom when there Yeah, that's such a fun age. And I think Got to allow yourself to embrace that time, regardless of what's going on. It is probably a beautiful gift that these little people have given you.

Rachael Burns  30:10  
Oh, my God, I, this situation would be. So it would be so much different. I think it'd be so much worse if we didn't have them. I think about that. And I think, oh my god, I can't even imagine like going through this, just with the two of us and not having something. There's always something to look forward to with kids. Always. It's like, like, I've been telling my husband in the last couple of weeks. I'm just so excited for Easter, because the kids get so excited about Easter egg hunting, he's like, it's February, like calm down. And I'm like, No, but there's always something to be so excited about. And oh, I can't wait until they can do this. Like there's always some milestone, it's just around the corner. That's so exciting. And it's sad when they're changing so fast, and they're growing so fast, and you miss how it was when they were smaller, but at the same time, all of the new fun things that they do makes you forget about what you were sad about.

Victoria Volk  31:11  
So I'm curious amongst the craziness and the quiet when you have it and everything going on with your husband. That is pretty steady, right? It's steady. Yeah. How have you been tending to yourself? What does self care looking like for you?

Rachael Burns  31:30  
Self-care has been practically non existent. I have been the lowest priority thing in the house for quite a few years, which is understandable. But I haven't been focused on like, doing something nice for myself, because it's just not the highest priority. So friend, one of my friends asked me, like, what are you doing for self care? And I laughed, and I was like, take a shower once a week. Like, that's really exciting. That's like a, that's like, my me time is like, five minutes in the shower every few days.

Victoria Volk  32:10  
Oh, my God was like, I mean, it's just me.

Rachael Burns  32:15  
Like, I was so I mean, back then it really was that wild. Like, I genuinely could not get it. If you had to be around me, within, you know, a couple of feet of me at that point. I I'm sorry, to anyone who had to be around me. But you know, being a brand new mom. There's no such thing as self care. You're not showering, you're not brushing your teeth and not brushing your hair. You're not eating anything except for stuff that like fell on the floor. Like, your needs just go out the window. And they kind of stay out the window for a while. So yeah, I don't know. I don't even know. Like the concept of self care is like really foreign to me. Right now. I understand how it will work for some people. It's like, if I can get away for like, a quick weekend with like, my girlfriends that self care. And that's, that's like a really big luxury for me. Like if I can get a day or two to like, get out of town. That's like a big, big deal. Go like drink some wine with my friends and just like sit there. That's like, Oh, that's such a recharge. That's the only self care I can think of right now.

Victoria Volk  33:36  
Other than what you're doing, but you I mean

Rachael Burns  33:39  
Other than taking fantastic care of my skin. I mean, that takes up a lot of time too. But

Victoria Volk  33:44  
Well, that's self care. Self Care. I'm just, you're just kidding. So it's just natural. No, it's

Rachael Burns  33:50  
It's like I put this filter on the Zoom where it's, you know, you can do that on Zoom. It's not like a crazy filter. It's not like it doesn't look fake. It just kind of blurs everything. So now we're getting into the grief of aging here. It's not real. Yeah, that's, that's some grief in itself.

Victoria Volk  34:09  
It is. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna have to check off these filters.

Rachael Burns  34:13  
Well, and also you said, you know, you don't look like someone that's really stressed out. It's called Botox, then your your face just can't make sad faces anymore. That helps that will make you seem like you have it together because your face can't physically even move like that. Like I can't look sad. Not for another three months or so until it wears off. So you've got to keep it going.

Victoria Volk  34:37  
Okay, well, this is the direction of the podcast I didn't expect. This is real talk. It is real talk. thing. It's like you're in the you're in the thick of it really all you're in the thick of it. And I say the trenches of motherhood. Now I'm sure you have friends that have kids that are older. Oh yeah. And you have plenty of friends that have told you, you can't get from an empty cup. Do you feel? Do you feel like you're like your cup? Do you feel drained? 

Rachael Burns  35:10  
Yes. Okay, I do. But I feel like that is a temporary state. I know that things will not always be as difficult as they are now. Like, I know that and the kids keep getting older, the kids keep getting easier to deal with. And like, there will be a day when I don't have to worry about Rob's brain tumor coming back, because someday he won't be here. And then like, then there's other stuff to be worried about, obviously, at that point, but like, the way things are right now is not the way that things will always be. And anytime that things are really difficult, I always remember, they will not always be this difficult. This is like a this is just a point in time. And it's always changing. So I don't remember where I was going with that. But sort of that's like, it's Oh, my cup, my cup being full. I know that my cup will refill at some point, but it's just not. It's just not like, a top priority right now, I guess. Do you try to keep just trying to keep everyone alive and keep keep working? And that's like, all my, it's all I have energy for?

Victoria Volk  36:27  
I had that thought to like, you just keep on going and keep on going and keep on going. But I look back in hindsight. And it's like, gosh, if And granted, it was grief, like Grant grief was a huge factor for me and, and your situation is entirely different than anyone listening to this, their situation is going to be entirely different to about I think it's finding what, like you said just a weekend, or even just two hours in an afternoon to your favorite little shop, or going to a coffee shop and just sitting and watching people which is you know, is that fun? Just watching people. Yeah, making up stories in your head about people like their lives, wondering, you know, that's, yeah, I like doing stuff like that. But anyway, it's finding stuff that bring you back to who you were right? Like, kind of, it's almost like the children, you know, the children remind you of when you were a kid, and it's doing the things that remind you of the essence of who you are. And I'm I lost sight of that for so many years. And I think if if what what are just share with me, if you don't mind, what are a couple of things that remind you of the essence of who you are.

Rachael Burns  37:48  
That's interesting, you brought that up, because that's something that I've realized, you don't realize that you're forgetting who you are until you remember something. And it can be something so simple as a song that you hear a shirt that you find in the back of your closet, there are these little reminders that I have that take me back to this time when life was simple. And I think I'm a happy person now. But back then I was happy in a very uncomplicated way. And all like hear some song that I didn't even like that much. But just like a song that I remember from when I was 20 or something. And I'll just be like, Why do I feel things right now? Like what is what is it about the song like, the Super Bowl was last weekend, and I watched the halftime show. And I remembered like, driving around in my 1996 on a prelude listening to 2001 from Dr. Dre. And I was just like, Oh my god. Life was so fun. All day, every day back then, like, my only job was to just have fun and like barely show up at school. And that was the only requirements of me like today. Yeah. And then in then I'm like, Oh my gosh, I remember I used to be this person who used to have these interests. And I used to do stuff and travel. And I enjoy I enjoyed listening to music and I enjoyed going to find bars and I enjoy doing all these things. And then I'm like, I haven't done any of those things and so long that I forgot about those parts of myself. Like I forgot that I used to be really silly and I used to I mean, I still laugh a lot but I have forgotten who I am. And I don't know if that's more of a grief or if that's more just having kids and not having any time to do anything for yourself but that that's like a super weird thing that I've experienced.

Victoria Volk  39:45  
I did do I experienced that too. And it just I have I use the Passion Planner. And did you know the Passion Planner? Makes stickers I love stickers. And I collected stickers as a kid, like I had tons and tons of stickers, like brings out the kid in me. Every Sunday, I get out my highlighters and my stickers and I, you know, I plan my week for fun with stickers like, yeah, how ridiculous. But I think it's this little thing that I found that connects me to myself. And I just encourage you, and anyone listening, that when you're in the thick of stuff, grief, transition, parenthood, whatever it is, to do something that reminds you of the essence of who you are. So you don't lose touch of that. Because when it feels like a part of you is died. There's grief in that too.

Rachael Burns  40:39  
Yeah. And that's a very, very real thing is the death of who you once were. Because once once Rob was diagnosed, obviously, there's the grief associated with the very obvious part of that. But what really disturbed me the most in that time period was, I will never go back to who I was, before I knew that this was coming. I will never ever be that person anymore. I will always have some form of this grief. And even when I would see pictures of myself from like, a few years before, but I didn't know what was coming. And I was like, I'm like smiling like no idea what's going on. It's weird to think that that person is dead, that person will never exist again. That's a really weird realization. That's like a really weird part of grief that I wasn't prepared for I guess.

Victoria Volk  41:45  
Yeah. And I talked to someone else, just before we hopped on and one of the themes of our conversation was that she allowed herself to change. And I think we kind of bucked that, or we try to resist that through grief, like grief changing us, but it's going to whether we like it or not, but it's allowing that unfolding of the new Rachael 2.0. But when I speak about connecting to the essence of who you are, it's not even there's parts of you that regardless of what happens, never change, right? Like, I still love stickers like that is that brings out the kid in me that brings out the essence of who I am. And so that's really what I'm talking about here is I am not the same person that I was before. Whatever happened to me, you're not going to be in anyone listening. That's the case as well. But it's really, I think, before the world got a hold of you right before brief got a hold of you. What were the things that brought you to life like sparked joy, if we got to.

Rachael Burns  42:52  
Marie Kondo

Victoria Volk  42:53  
Yes. Marie Kondo our lives, you know, but it really it's, it's coming back to the simple things like that, like collecting stickers and, or like playing with playdough with your kids, and making different creations or, you know, and that's, I think what the gift of those ages are and parenthood is that it's like you have permission to play. Because if, let's say you're just, it was just you and you're playing with playdough. And someone calls you Hey, what are you doing? I'm playing with playdough. What? You know, you kind of get some side eyes, like, you know, what, when you have little ones it's, it's a permission slip to just play? Yeah, yeah. It's, yeah, I think you can rediscover, there's an opportunity there for you to rediscover who you were before all of this and who the essence of who you are. Just in everyday parenting with your kids. Yeah. Putting on the music putting on Dr. Dre. Maybe some clean edited. Yeah,

Rachael Burns  43:57  
I know, the kids are old enough to where they repeat cuss words. Now, once

Victoria Volk  44:03  
You bring some of your play into their world. Yeah, they get to know you that way, too. You know, yeah, that's good advice. And also to maybe bring that to your relationship, you know, the things that brought you together and you know, before Yeah, then it really it is so important to make your unit a priority. And you but I think if if you have to choose, it's a lot easier for you to choose time with your spouse than you alone. But that is self care, too. Right. If you're doing something you enjoy, and you're sharing it with him, that's self care, too. Yeah, yeah. When I did for this to turn into like a coaching session. It just so many reminders for me of of where I once was,

Rachael Burns  44:54  
yeah. Yeah. It's funny. We've been one thing we've been doing is because he works, or his office is close to the house, I work from home, and we'll like, Go, he'll be like, Oh, I'm gonna come home for lunch. And we'll go get lunch. And it turns into just like having cocktails and not working and taking the rest of the day off. But it's like this really nice thing that we'll do every once in a while, where we'll just kind of forget about all of all of our responsibilities. And it's just time that we haven't really spent together in a long time where we're just like, hanging out not dealing with real life stuff.

Victoria Volk  45:43  
Play hooky from life. Yeah. playing hooky is fun. So what has your grief taught you?

Rachael Burns 45:50  
It has taught me all sorts of things, it's taught me, I much stronger than I ever thought, which is like, I feel like that's kind of cliche, but I can endure a lot. And still keep doing what I need to do. Like that has become very clear out of this. situation, um, like, I can handle, I can handle a lot. And if I can handle whatever already been through, there's really not a lot out there that scares me. Which is like a kind of weird, empowering feeling to have, even like thinking back to when I was in my late 20s. Before I had kids and everything. And like, if I had to go get blood drawn, I would seriously cry. Like they would, they'd be like, Oh, my God, this girl is such a loony. And like I was I was just like, so dramatic, like, Oh, my God, I can't like, I don't know, I just, I felt like I had all these kind of fears that were really silly, and really kind of irrational. And then now, after having the kids after having the complications, I remember thinking, There's not one medical procedure that I can think of, that scares me after what I've gone through with the poking and the prodding and the IVs. And the tests, and the, there was a lot of like, really, extraordinarily uncomfortable or painful moments through all of that. And I'm like, There's nothing that I can think of that would really scare me at this point. And the same goes for things that can happen in life, like losing a job, or losing a family member, or, you know, whatever things that used to scare me, I've already proven that I can handle it. So there's like not a lot to really be scared of anymore. Other than being scared of something happening with my kids, like, there's so many fears that I didn't have that I have now, like, oh my god, if they got hurt, I would just like lose my mind. Aside from that, I feel pretty fearless. I can accomplish more than I ever thought was possible. That's been empowering. And and when I went out on my own and started my own business that that had a lot to do with it. I'm like, Well, clearly I can handle it, because I just survived all of this. So running a business is not. That's not a big deal at all. I mean, it is a big deal. But it's not something that scares me. So that's something that I've learned about myself in the process. 

Victoria Volk  48:40  
I'm finding it a curious aspect of grief that I'm just kind of came to light for me today. And I was talking to someone before I spoke with you, and she's an entrepreneur, and we're just kind of thinking about how, as entrepreneurs, you even if you never felt like a leader brings out your leadership skills, right, you have to be able to lead yourself you self self determined you have to have it brings out all it's brought out aspects of me that I never like, I'm sure people looking like when people see me now. And like think of me when I was young, like, you know, fifth, sixth, fourth grade, whatever, like, oh, never thought you would do that. Right? You know, like I was one of those kids like, Yeah, and so I've proven to myself, right? It's like this, you have to prove it to yourself. And so I think there's this element of self leadership that comes out of being an entrepreneur and I think that really serves us as Grievers to be able to lead ourselves through the process of grieving in a way that well hopefully is positive and healthy, but it can go the opposite where you just pour yourself even more into work and become a workaholic, and that's not healthy. I'm talking in a healthy way but I just want Want to highlight though that that's probably really serving you in that way and will continue to serve you as you navigate this, the unknowns of all of this?

Rachael Burns  50:09  
Yeah, one thing that it's taught me is I really trust myself more than I ever have. I really trust my judgment. And I trust my decision making. And I'm very confident in the decisions that I make now, which has been, I wasn't expecting that. But it does make me feel like I know what I'm doing. I'm not, you know, this isn't my first rodeo. So that's been, it's been very empowering in that way.

Victoria Volk  50:45  
What has been the biggest support for you? Like, especially then, like, when you first found out all of this stuff was happening? Like, what was the most helpful thing that? Where did you find the most support?

Rachael Burns  50:59  
Yeah, I, there were two phases in that. And the first phase was maybe the first year after he was diagnosed. And I was not wanting to see people, I was not wanting to be around people, I was not wanting to talk to people about what was going on, I was just, I just wanted to like crawl in a cave and just hide until it was over. And at that point, because I wasn't really ready to talk about it too much with people. It was more me getting whatever information I could to help process that or to help understand my feelings with that. And and one thing that was so helpful was I found a podcast, it was started as being about grief, it was put on by someone who is around my age, and her husband died of the same type of brain cancer that my husband has. And that sounds like a really depressing podcast. But in reality, when she talked about grief, I could totally identify with things that she was saying. And I was like, Oh, my gosh, I've been feeling that. But I couldn't even articulate that. But now that she said this, I'm like, Oh, my gosh, that's exactly what I'm going through, which was so helpful. But also, it wasn't just about grief, it was about overcoming difficult things, which we all do. I mean, everyone has to do difficult things, and we all can relate to that. But the fact that she had gone through this very similar situation, and she had turned it into something that helped others in a very meaningful way. I mean, she, she made a meaningful difference in my life, just from listening to a podcast. This is someone I don't know, it's called terrible. Thanks for asking, by the way, I think I we talked about that before. Yep, I'll put it in the show notes, too. That was such a huge support for me, which is kind of funny, because it's just like a podcast. But that that was really important. And then once I got through that initial phase, where I was like, Alright, I'm ready to emerge from my cave, and like, talk to people about what's going on, then, you know, having the support of my friends and family was, and having their support was extremely meaningful during that first phase, but I just was I like, couldn't, I couldn't bear to like, be around people. But once I kind of reemerged, I have this new sense of gratitude for the support of my friends and family, just because you don't know how truly committed they are to you until you go through something really bad. And they show up for you in ways that like you would have never expected and it makes you really appreciative of the support that you didn't even realize. I mean, I knew that I had the support, but I didn't know that I had

Rachael Burns  53.58
That, that was that was like a life savings thing. The stuff that my family did for me like when I when Rob was first diagnosed, the first call

Rachael Burns  54:22  
That I made, one of the first calls was to my brother and I told him what happened. And I just asked if he could take that if he could be in charge of letting people note because I didn't want to like keep repeating that story. And I didn't want to be the one that was responsible for like delivering this horrible news to people. I didn't want to be responsible for that for like changing their life with this. Like because I knew how much it hurt to be on the receiving end of that news that I didn't want to give it to anyone else. And like my brother took that off of my plate for me and like Did this really horrible task of being in charge of like delivering horrible news to everyone, but he did that for me and, and my mom, like, would just magically drop food off at my house. And she just like, kind of show up and like, leave food and just kind of run away and give me space and like, your people show up for you. It's like, they know what to do. In times of need, people know what, what to do. So that was pretty amazing. It's beautiful. I just got goosebumps. I had a feeling you'd make me cry. I debated whether to put on mascara. But luckily, the filter will blurred out. So back to the filter.

Victoria Volk  55:44  
It's so easy to think about how people don't show up. But I think it's reminding ourselves of how people do is far more empowering and self loving, really.

Rachael Burns  55:58  
And some of the people who don't show up. Sometimes it's just because they can't they don't have they don't have the tools or it's not, I think it's easy to get your feelings hurt when you don't get the type of support you're expecting from someone or whatever. But like, one thing that I realized is people just don't know what to do. People don't know what to do in that situation. There's no manual on like, how to help your friend whose husband was just diagnosed with brain cancer like, no, no one expects you to be an expert in that. But some people can feel like, I don't know what to do. I don't I don't know if I should talk about it. I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to do this like, and then they just kind of freak out and just kind of disappear. I think that's a really common reaction people have and like, I don't blame anyone for having that reaction. I think it helps to have some realistic expectations of people knowing that they're not going to know what to do. I don't I mean, I don't know what to do. I don't expect anyone else to know what to do in that type of situation. So, but it does make you extra appreciative of the people who do like, despite the difficulty of the situation, they still show up.

Victoria Volk  57:08  
That's why I love to ask that question like, What are some of the ways that people supported you? Because I think through this podcast, people can learn different ideas, even if they want to be the one to support someone who's going through a difficult time. You can learn through podcasts to easily support for others. What is one tip that you would share with somebody who's in the thick of it, maybe like you or maybe not as far as long as you because we're all at different points, right?

Rachael Burns  57:39  
I don't know how to answer that. I don't know, I just feel like everyone's situation is so different. And I am not an expert. I'm barely an expert in my own life. Like I don't know how to give advice to someone else who's like going through something a little bit different. But I think just knowing that no matter what you're going through, it will not always be that hard. Like nothing stays that hard. I can't I mean, it's I guess certain things could get worse, but you will survive difficult things. And you will adapt, and you will learn to accept certain things, and you will learn to move forward and it like when you're in the thick of it. It's so hard to see, like what it could look like on the other side, but it will get better. It might have to get worse. It may very well could get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. And like, I don't know, knowing that made me feel like less despair, I guess. Because I was like, Yeah, this is horrible. But this will not always be this way. That's the only thing I can really like offer in terms of advice.

Victoria Volk  58:12  
Well, let's shift gears to the work that you do then, yes. And talk about give a piece of advice or suggestion that you would give to somebody putting your financial advisor hat on planner with that hat on what would you say.

Rachael Burns  59:14  
So if someone is going through a really difficult situation, and there's some financial decisions that need to be made, or some sort of actions that need to be taken, and that's something that's really causing you a lot of stress. I think it helps to understand that you are not expected to be an expert in your finances. There are other things that are more important at that time. And yeah, there are some decisions that have to be made and some things you can't put off but no one's expecting you to be superwoman. Like you can get help on anything that you need. And if that's financial stuff, there is someone who can break that down and tell you Okay, these are the things that you actually we need to worry about the rest of it, don't worry about it, you've got other stuff to deal with. There's just there's a lot of support out there. No matter what your issue is, and particularly with the financial stuff, there are so many advisors or other experts out there that specialize in very specific situations. Where, if you are going through divorce, there is a whole industry out there of people who are able to support people going through divorce, or if you have lost your spouse, there are people who specialize in that type of situation. So there's really specialized support available, whatever you need help with, and I really encourage people to like, be open to help. And it might take a little bit of digging to find the right person to help you. But there's just so much support available for you. So don't feel like you have to do everything alone. Don't feel like oh, I don't know what I'm doing. Like, you don't have to do it alone, you can get help. And someone can help make your life a little bit easier. And you should you should take the opportunity to make your life a little bit easier when you can because life is hard. And you don't need to take on more than you absolutely need to.

Victoria Volk  1:01:19  
What do you think is? I mean, I have an idea. But what do you think is one thing that maybe stops people from seeking help? Can then I'll share my thought on that around finances?

Rachael Burns 1:01:32  
Well, with finances specifically, I think people get scared to face face the facts. I think finances are just a very uncomfortable subject for a lot of people. And that's for a lot of reasons. You know, a lot of people don't have the knowledge and they feel bad about their lack of financial knowledge. Or they feel bad about decisions that they've made in the past with their finances, or they have all this like guilt and shame wrapped around it. And I think with finances, that's something that you feel like, oh, I can deal with this later and that you put on the backburner, even though it's really not something that you should put on the backburner because you need to address it as early as you can. But I think just not wanting to deal with it is like the number one block that keeps people from getting it in order.

Victoria Volk  1:02:30  
So once your yes shame, the shame, yeah, you feel around their money. Yeah.

Rachael Burns  1:02:37  
Yeah, it's totally understandable. And it's very, very common, but like, money is just a thing. I mean, it's, it's a more complicated thing than that you need it to get a lot of things. But no one is born bad with money. No one is born good with money. If you make a mistake, that doesn't need to define the rest of your life, you're not Oh, the person that screwed up and did this, like, you learn as you go along. And it may be it takes you a while to learn it. But it's not. It's doable. It's something that you kind of have to try to remove the emotions from. And just, you know, what, what you've done in the past, that stays in the past, you just kind of have to be willing to, to learn, be open to learning and be open to making some changes when necessary. And if that's how you get over the shame, part of it.

Victoria Volk  1:03:36  
Isn't the root word of currency current. Because I think of if you think of money as like, currency, right? It's flows, right? Money flows. It's, it's an energetic exchange. And that's really how I've had to reshape my thoughts around money is that it's an energetic exchange. And just like we have shame in our money, we have shame in our grief and how we handle our grief or how we're not handling our grief. stop us from seeking help, too. Absolutely. There's a lot of similarities there. But if someone wants to, if I'm in a situation where I had a death of a spouse, or I'm getting divorced, or recently divorced, where can I? Where's the Where do you recommend I look for resources.

Rachael Burns  1:04:29  
I don't think there's one place to go get all information on on that type of thing I think it's going to take it's going to depend on what's your preferred way of receiving that information. If you're someone who likes if you're someone like me, who likes to listen to podcasts, any information that I absorb, needs to come in the form of a podcast or else I'm not open to it. So if you're someone like that, there are so many amazing financial podcasts out there that have different focuses, if you're interested in budgeting, if you're interested in planning for retirement, if you're interested in getting out of debt, that's like my favorite way. But that's, that's me. That's not That's not everyone's cup of tea. If you like reading, there's some, there's some great websites, there's, I mean, advisors like me often put out content, they put out blogs, they put out all sorts of stuff. That's, I think, a good source of information. I think if you go on social media, there's a lot of helpful information, but there's a lot of garbage. And there's a lot of people who claim to be financial experts, but they're just like social media personalities, you have to be careful where the information is coming from, but there's no one place to get the information, it really depends on you just have to kind of poke around in your preferred type of media, I suppose. 

Victoria Volk  1:05:56  
So if I'm listening, and I really resonate with you, and I like your story, and I want to connect with you, where can I find you. 

Rachael Burns  1:06:03  
So you can visit my website, it's trueworthfp.com. And I have my blog on there, I have my story on there. And then I also have a link to schedule a free strategy session, which I really encourage people to take me up on. Because even if it's not a good fit, you will absolutely walk away with some actionable ideas that you can put into place right now. And even if I mean, if it's not a good fit, I can give people referrals, I can point them in the right direction. I think that's a good place to start. And then I'm also active on social media. I'm not one of the people who pretends to have the expertise, I actually have some credentials. But I'm on. I'm on Instagram. It's true worth FP. I'm on LinkedIn, it's under my name, Rachel V. Burns. Those are some good places to connect with me and chat with me there. And you can read the stuff that I'm pretty active about posting stuff on there. So that's, that's where you can find me. And I'll put all the links in the show notes, too.

Victoria Volk  1:07:10  
But is there anything else that you would like to share?

Rachael Burns  1:07:14  
I don't think so. I have thought about a lot of things in the past hour and 20 minutes that I haven't thought about in a while. And I don't think there's any stones that were left on turned. You know what the one thing I will say is going through really difficult times is part of being human. It is like what when I said it in the beginning of the of the episode about feeling like I'm a one percenter like, of course, of course, it's going to happen to me everything. Like you're not being singled out by the universe like, this is this stuff happens to everyone, no one is safe from having bad things happen to them. This is just this is just part of the deal of being human. And I think when you look at it that way, you won't get as angry when you're going through something because you know, it's not just you this is just something that happens to people for no good reason. And it also makes you feel kind of united with other people who are going through difficult things. It made me feel like this is something that we all have in common is going through hard times. Like I just I don't know why, but it made me feel so much more connected with other people in general, just knowing that we all have something that we're dealing with, and that makes me feel better for some weird reason.

Victoria Volk  1:08:45  
Me too, honestly, like when I think about my podcast, it's grief is the one thing that unites us all it doesn't discriminate, it doesn't care. We are who you are where you're from your background, your age, doesn't care. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here. I will put all of your information in the show notes if anyone wants a financial advisor, planner, and thank you so much for being here.

Rachael Burns  1:09:13  
Thank you, Victoria. I really appreciate it.

Victoria Volk  1:09:15  
And remember, when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.